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On the Dark Days

Today is one of my bad days.

Today I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and grow smaller and smaller until I disappear. Today my hands shake and my legs are weak. Today my mind is running circles. Today I believe I am worthless. Today the thought of leaving my bed, let alone the house, makes me feel sick. Today it feels like I’d be better off dead.

But I still get out of bed. Get dressed. Manage to eat breakfast – two pieces of toast with jam. Wash my face. Brush my teeth. Make my bed. Put on a jacket and shoes. Leave the front door.

Today I can’t see anything but darkness. Today I feel like I am drowning under the weight of life. Today everything is too loud. Today the sun seems to be mocking my eyes. Today I can’t seem to breathe. Today it feels like my depression and anxiety are winning.

I dig my fingernails into my palm. I’m trying to hold on to reality. I try to stay focused and get the work done that I need to. But my mind is racing. What if I come home and everyone I love is dead? You’re worthless. Why do you even talk… all you say only makes it worse. I want to reach out. I want someone to tell me it’s OK. But I feel like I am only going to burden everyone more.

Today I can’t find the energy to fake a smile for you. No, I’m not fine. I’m not just tired. I’m not OK. Please notice I’m drowning because I can’t find the courage to tell you. I believe you really don’t want to know how I am doing.

Today is one of my bad days. The world is too loud and bright, and yet I seem to be looking at it underwater. Everything is in grey-scale. My very existence is too much.

But I still got out of bed. I still left the house. I still tried. Yes I spent most of the time hiding in the bathroom sobbing and shaking. But I tried. I hope this means that I am learning how to survive.

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Thinkstock photo via Ingram Publishing