The Emptiness I Feel In My Heart and My Womb as a Result of Chronic Illness
My husband and I had it easy with our first pregnancy. I literally got pregnant within a week of us deciding we wanted to start trying. I only had two weeks of morning sickness (which in all honesty wasn’t even that bad), and I was only in full labour for two and a half hours. My daughter started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. She was, and still is, a very calm baby, and we were absolutely, 100 percent head over heels in love with her.
Then, when she was 3 months old, I ended up in the hospital with a herniated small bowel. They had to remove 99.9 percent of it along with a third of my large intestine. Our perfect little fairytale came crashing down.
One of the first questions I asked my surgeon was, “Will I be able to have more children?” His short answer of “no” tore my heart apart. I was inconsolable. I crumbled. I could actually feel my heart shatter. My dream of having a large family was over. Every time I thought about it, I would break down in sobs all over again.
A month later, I figured I was doing better than they expected, and maybe, just maybe, his answer would have changed. Again, my surgeon’s answer was “no.” This time he elaborated a bit more. I still have all my reproductive organs, however, my doctors don’t know how I would do being pregnant while on IV nutrition (TPN). There are some who have been able to get pregnant while on TPN, but I have so little bowel left they don’t know if they’ll be able to keep up with my nutrition and hydration. Short answer, they don’t know if I or the baby would survive the pregnancy.
Sitting here writing this, my heart still aches. Every show I watch where a woman is pregnant and giving birth, I cry. Every time someone tells me they’re pregnant, I’m instantly envious. Every time I see a baby, my arms and heart feel empty. Every time I see a pregnant woman — that beautiful glow on her face and smile from ear to ear as she feels her baby moving — my soul is in anguish. Every time someone asks me if more children are in the cards, I try not to be angry with them for their ignorance in asking such a private question. Did you know how painful that question can be for so many women? How do you tell someone you barely know something so personal?
I am beyond blessed to have my daughter. I will never stop being grateful for having her in my life. But I loved being pregnant. I loved lying in bed and feeling her move around; seeing her little bum move from one side of my belly to the other. I love that I got to catch my own daughter, that I was the first person to ever hold her, that we have a bond that started 40 weeks earlier than anyone else got with her.
I’ll never feel that again. I’ll never feel a baby’s foot in my ribs again. I won’t feel a baby move from side to side. I won’t be able to feel the hiccups. I won’t ever get to carry another baby from the beginning, but I will get the opportunity (Lord willing) to be a mom to more babies. Although I know there will be moments where it hurts to watch another woman carry my baby, we have found someone to join our family in an unconventional way. My husband and I, after months of discussing, praying and seeking guidance from those around us, have decided to grow our family of three to a family of four via surrogacy.
This process is still going to be long, and let’s face it, probably not easy. But it is an adventure our family is ready to partake in. Does my heart still ache that I won’t get to carry a baby on my own? Every single day. But my heart is also so full of joy we have found someone to step in my place for 40 weeks and help our family grow. Hopefully, with time, the joy and the excitement of this new journey will completely take the place of the hurt that has been sitting there, taking up residency in my heart for the last two years.
Follow this journey at A Gut Feeling
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