I read in a scientific study that being a parent to a disabled child is as stressful as being a war vet who saw regular combat during their tour. I believe it. In fact, it helps me get thru my day and take it a little easier on myself. But guys, I am burnt out. I’m like the menorah on miracle crack lmao Every couple of hours I’m convinced I have nothing left to give, but then I sit next to my daughter. Eventually we laugh at something, and for a moment everything’s ok. Until I get up from the couch she only leaves once or twice a day (sleeps there, too), and I recall my mountain of tasks, and I look around and see my mom and brother going through their struggles unwilling or unable to help. I swear it feels like a tiny piece of my soul dies every time. I get it, my bro doesn’t like kids, my mom is disabled… that should be enough. But then I get criticized or gaslighted on top of it. The other day my mom was trying to offer verbal support and casually said, “I don’t know how you do it. If I was in your situation, I would’ve killed myself. But then again, I also wouldn’t have gotten pregnant by such a loser.” Pretty sure I froze up so hard I stopped breathing. My daughter is well within ear shot, looking at me apologetically. My mom notices my startled reaction and says, “what? It’s the truth,” shrugs her shoulders, then walks off. She was right about one thing. I have absolutely no clue how I’ve managed to stay sane in this house. The good news (I think) is that my psychiatrist has put moving out as equally important to my mental health as taking my meds regularly is. She said it’s “half of your plan.” But I can barely shower. How am I supposed to move not only myself, but my daughter, as well? God answered and Medicaid deemed me “an overburdened caregiver,” and 32 hours of assistance a week! If only the provider could find an attendant… in the meantime, I’m living moment to moment. Chore to chore. Clinging for my life from one silver lining to the next. Finding comfort in sugar. I’m losing my grip. Suicide isn’t an option. I’m the only human being my daughter has. And as long as we can still laugh, I will persevere. I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth #Addiction #OccipitalNeuralgia #GeneralParenting #AutismSpectrumDisorder #neglect #Abuse