What I Mean When I Say, 'I Am Suicidal'

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I mean I am safe but I am expiring.

That I am actually working very hard to be very careful, but I want the universe to just pull the plug already.
To hit me with a car.
To take away my breath.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I mean that I am not harming myself. Can someone else do it? Can someone else please do it?!

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am sucidal, I mean I am fighting but I am scared I will lose. I am scared I will want to lose.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I’m scared to tell you. I’m scared you’ll be scared and they’ll tell you to lock me up with people I don’t know, who want to drug me, who don’t know how I like to be held, or how I need mac and cheese, or how I need to bury my face in your chest and feel you stroke my cheek and hear you say you’re not going anywhere.

I am suicidal.

And I am scared to get help.

And I am scared to be alone.

I want to live.
I have every reason to live.

And I am suicidal.

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If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Thinkstock photo via Archv