The Mighty Logo

What I Mean When I Say, 'I Am Suicidal'

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I mean I am safe but I am expiring.

That I am actually working very hard to be very careful, but I want the universe to just pull the plug already.
To hit me with a car.
To take away my breath.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I mean that I am not harming myself. Can someone else do it? Can someone else please do it?!

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am sucidal, I mean I am fighting but I am scared I will lose. I am scared I will want to lose.

I am suicidal.

But when I say I am suicidal, I’m scared to tell you. I’m scared you’ll be scared and they’ll tell you to lock me up with people I don’t know, who want to drug me, who don’t know how I like to be held, or how I need mac and cheese, or how I need to bury my face in your chest and feel you stroke my cheek and hear you say you’re not going anywhere.

I am suicidal.

And I am scared to get help.

And I am scared to be alone.

I want to live.
I have every reason to live.

And I am suicidal.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Thinkstock photo via Archv

Originally published: September 10, 2017
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home