When Borderline Personality Disorder Causes Me to Maintain Unhealthy Relationships

Ever since my childhood, I’ve feared being alone. My heart sinks anytime I find myself surrounded by nothing and nobody and I frequently worry that even my closest friends will disappear from my life. Although this fear causes me to do some incredibly ridiculous things, it also makes me fiercely loyal to people in my life. While this fierce loyalty can help others feel loved and supported, it can also put me in some less than healthy situations.

Sometimes it’s the little things, like sacrificing sleep so I can talk to a friend who’s having a rough night or working through lunch so I can take extra tasks off my boss’s plate. And although those small favors can add up to something taxing, I always find it as time well spent. In those moments, I’m helping others feel less overwhelmed and less alone, and you can’t convince me that’s a bad thing.

Other times though, I fall into much larger traps I can’t possibly dig myself out of. In fact, I’ve spent years investing time and energy into people, only to have it hurt both parties in the end. I sometimes become so invested in helping others solve their problems that I lose sight of what they really need from me. I allow myself to get so wrapped up in others lives because I hope I can prove myself useful to them.

Or, in some of my most significant relationships, I accept abusive treatment as love because, at least in my mind, any attention is better than none.

I have spent years allowing others to stomp on me, verbally mistreat me and even in some cases, sexually abuse me. If I’d seen these events happen to anyone else, I would have stepped in and fought tooth and nail for it to stop. But because I fear being alone so much and think so little of myself, I not only allowed these actions, but invited them with my silent acceptance.

As I continue my recovery journey though, I’m slowly building my self-esteem and learning how to tolerate moments where I find myself alone. In fact, many of the skills I learned through dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are helping me grow through this. I am learning how to assertively communicate by using skills like DEARMAN, GIVE and FAST. I try to cope ahead so I feel better prepared to deal with difficult, lonesome days. Also, I use self-soothing and distraction techniques when the loneliness becomes too intense. By doing these things, I’m not only finding out more about myself, but trying to be a better friend and person to those I love most.

Unfortunately though, these small victories come with a price to pay: They’re eroding my less healthy relationships. And unfortunately, some of these unhealthy relationships are my longest-lasting ones.

When I was sharing the weight of a relationship struggle with an incredibly wise friend recently, she said, “Sometimes it’s OK to let go. It feels so good to be fiercely loyal to someone. But if they’re not willing or able to evolve with you, how well does that relationship suit you now?”

In that moment, I not only realized she was right, but also just how much energy I’ve spent trying to hold onto a relationship that’s growing harder and harder to maintain.

While I’ve invested in my own personal growth, this person has stayed exactly the same. And although there’s nothing wrong with maintaining the status quo if it works for you, this person’s behaviors and actions towards me are no longer beneficial to my journey and overall well-being. So although it’s heartbreaking and difficult as hell, I’m starting the process of parting ways with someone I deeply love.

Although our automatic, intrusive thoughts often convince us we aren’t worthy of something more or that any companionship is better than loneliness, I hope you’ll remember you deserve so much more. As humans, we’re never meant to stagnate — we’re built for constant growth and evolution. And if someone isn’t moving forward with you or holding you back, remember as my amazing friend said: It’s OK. Sometimes, it’s OK to let go.