Abuse

There is sometimes extreme abuse in my house and then I think that suicide is the only answer for I have given all of myself my whole life, there is no other way, and when love ceases there is no other option, as I don't wish to hurt anyone as deeply as I have been hurt ever again, or be alone wandering and travelling ever again, so I nurse on and get abused on, and sometimes every way I ever had of reaching out or contacting anyone is taken from me, or calling for help for that matter, I'm ok when I sleep if not being screamed at or asked for sex when I'm weak from meds, but hey that's my life, once had a celtic dream once, never getting that back, husband you have won in every way that was ever possible, when is suicide murder?

Extreme extreme abuse last night, so tired, so after writing out by hand a whole lot of BS poetry at 4 in the morning and hoping to make it to enrollment and a poetry reading, dad calls from emerg, so I go see my elderly, then am harrassed by an Indian female infant, whom my husband yelled about on the phone while there was a funeral in the elderly home, then after making sure my dad and his Shoeless wet socks were ok, I set home in a cab, came home and watched Irony of Fate about a drunk Russian man who gets lost and accidentally cheats and is a Soviet tradition for New Years, and call my husband who comes home screaming at me, and takes my phone while I am entirely weak, from eating pasta, which is almost all I eat, ever, with thai sauce, so kid got violent too, then after being threatened to be locked in again, I tried to alleviate by getting naked and offering my services, when it was only him I called all day anyways, so he and kid screamed and I screamed, then I go upstairs, turn him down, sleep and attempt to re-enter my room at which time he screams, and will not leave my room, and my sadness has no bounds, so he puts on loudest washing machine on the planet in the bathroom and elderly again calls with a problem so that got his screaming ass out of the room and I was able to sleep, however heart extremely broken, became someone I have never been, feel extremely sick weak and suicidal, and want to ask for help but still can't cause don't want to be taken from my marital home of 15 years, in danger, and worthless, personality change, total utter sadness, and possible death, the end, after working in nurse role with family all day, so yes PTML, it is your greatest wish husband

So I know my last post was a bit pessimistic but we all need to vent sometimes. After reading my most previous post, I don't want to judge myself for having a rough time. As a part of DBT therapy it is important to be nonjudgmental. However I am human and I slip up and I think being critical of myself is where the problem lies. As I have said before, I believe this negative internal dialogue comes from my history of trauma and abuse. Now however I have been searching for (and have lost sight of) what I have been searching for. During one of my psychiatrist visits I told him that I felt like the constant changes of #BipolarDisorder were tiring me out. Like there is no middle ground between mood episodes. I've done a lot of reading on Bipolar Disorder that I feel kinda like an expert on the topic. Recently someone had commented about mental and emotional burnout and the fact that my inner child feels overstimulated. I couldn't stop reading this comment because it felt like I was becoming burnt out.

I think it's important to find that middle ground. I was put on Vraylar to try and see if that works. To see if that will give me some rest from the near constant mania and depression. I have a lot of coping strategies but when I feel overwhelmed or attacked even, I shut down. I remember my therapist telling me this is the freeze response. It's like a default. When I was experiencing sexual abuse and sexual assault I froze, only able to speak but not move. I suppose that freezing has become my go to response. Not to mention that having #PTSD doesn't help at all. The emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only makes life harder. I just want to rest and experience emotional stability. Even for a little bit. I know that I can't change what I live with but I can manage my symptoms.

It's just exhausting. Considering that it still irks me that two of the three disorders were caused by the trauma, there's not much I can do besides accept them. Yet I have a long list of things that I have to accept. As far as positives go, I want to get out of this irritated, angry, manic-depressive rut I've been in. So I will try a therapy skill called accumulating positives. Perhaps I should listing them. Sure my mental illnesses make me unique and my history too. Not sure if that's a positive though. Sometimes it seems like all the medications and therapy can't stop my problems but I also know that part of it is on me. So I will try to practice my spirituality, eat healthier, get more sleep and stick to my treatment plan to name a few.

Has anyone been on Vraylar? What has it done for you? How can I accumulate positives without my mental illnesses getting in the way? I also wanted to thank everyone that reads and responds to my posts. I appreciate it and look forwards to reading your comments. So stay strong friends. I believe in you. Stay safe as always.

#abusesurvivor

Hi, my name is anom. I'm looking for various, inc trauma and narcissistic abuse

#MightyTogether

Has fibro made you more punk rock? I don't know about you, but I was a people pleaser and "nice girl" before I developed pain all over my body. In fact, I beleive that this trait (along with lack of sleep) caused me to take abuse from others which morphed my body into this nightmare. So guess what...no more Ms. Nice girl. I'm taking what I want. I'm being selfish. I'm not turning the other check. I really love alot....but I fight the ones who fight me.

Suicide is a looming threat, so yesterday, being Tuesday, my family and I attempted to go to a neighbouring town for a hike by the lake, after waiting an hour and a half outside in the sunshine for them to get to the car, we set off, only to be extremely yelled at and told I was not welcome to see my elderly in the car, much screaming, so stayed, then saw elderly and elderly says he wants to go eat, so we went to eat, and man was civil, we get to the restaurant, order and elderly has only one slice of cucumber all dinner, not even hummus which was offered, so I went to get ciggies but only found stationary and an extremely respected idol, so then we go walk, and the daughter of the who kid was at on the 27th, a day before a day important to me, was there, looking well, that was second last suicide attempt and yelling, kid's birthday was the last one, and yelling, so extreme sadness today not that it's not still from the 4 days ago, then extreme yelling last night, from him to me, in every room I tried to go to and he shut me in for 3 minutes, til I told him I'm physically exhausted and sick and can't do this, then he sang for 2 hours with a microphone, and I am so sad I can only see hell, sometimes we make it through, sometimes we don't, sorray

I know this isn't really a site for trauma dumping but I need to vent. My therapy sessions have been shortened and there is a chance that I may lose my therapist. This is creating anxiety that I don't need. My therapist told me that we will continue sessions until I hear of news of any changes. Therapy has helped tremendously as it gives me a safe and non judgmental space to talk about the trauma and abuse I survived and its aftereffects. Given that I therapy is one of the few things that makes me feel safe and validated, I don't want to lose it. Perhaps I'm too reliant on state paid therapy but it has been a life saver, literally. I am also on a plethora of medications to manage my mental health and the idea of losing that is frightening because I remember life before I was medicated, it wasn't good.

I know I should look at this as an opportunity to use my coping skills and to try to find new services but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I detest the fact that I was abused because it never should have happened. I know this isn't polite to say but the people that have hurt me can forget all about me. I've forgotten about them. The aftereffects of the trauma stretch far beyond mental illness. It has effected every area of my life and while I am working towards healing, I hate how it even happened to begin with. That I have to live with the effects of other people's choices.

I know life isn't fair but sometimes it really irks me. I try to be positive and productive but sometimes it doesn't work. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but sometimes it really gets me down that I went through what I did. I hate how the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral or a crying spell. I just want to live life without the confines of my past. Like they say, you can't change the past. It's this that bothers me. There are so many things that I wish were different but the reality is, they aren't. Reality acceptance is something I struggle with. I feel like I have come so far in my healing journey but sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards.

I just want to go on with my life without this crippling emotional and mental anguish. I suppose that's just what I have to do. I am grateful for so much but sometimes being grateful can't outweigh the pain I endure. I get really down sometimes and kinda angry because I there isn't much I can do about what I survived. I know I shouldn't live in the past and should enjoy the present but sometimes my past looms over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do sometimes.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. This site and community have been a blessing. And I appreciate all of you. We are all warriors here. Stay safe and blessed.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #rant #help #Therapy