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#Spiritual abuse #Religious Trauma #ChildAbuse #PTSD #cultsurvivor

I struggle with shaking the feeling that I am evil. My whole life I was told that I was bad, evil, crazy, demonic, possessed, seductive, a liar, a dirty girl/woman, gold digger and I was going to hell.

(I will not argue with anyone in self defense of these accusations, if you believe I deserved/deserve this abuse because of something I did, said, or wore; you are part of that dysfunctional system.)

These are things my parents told me from childhood. My spouses, society, the church, and my siblings have either explicitly or implicitly said these things to me and have influenced my children. It was so bad that I even agreed and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was possessed. Several times I tried to get accepted by my parents, by confessing my sins and admitting to demonic influence they tried to exorcise demons out of me, but I was still an evil old devil who couldn’t be saved on my own, no matter how much I believed or how devoted I was, or how much work or preaching I did myself I was still the evil one. I was outcast and rejected by my family, community and the church. I have severe psychological damage due to this abuse. I have no family, not even my children. I have no community because I’m an outcast and even though I moved and lived in a new town, I can not make friends, because it’s the same religious dogma. I will never be good enough for the church or their deity. I used to care about being accepted by them. Now, I am grateful I am no longer involved in that cult. I am free, yet I am sensitive to being judged as evil, or bad, or a sinner. I don’t even believe in evil as a cosmic moral concept. There is no battle of good and evil. Just some seriously disturbed human beings persecuting other humans in the name of their beliefs and religious values, believing they are doing good. I am grieved though, for the life that was stolen from, the loss of my children and never having a loving family and lack of support and the lack of self esteem and fear of rejection I was left with. So, after 40 years of suffering I became an atheist, then a pagan. I don’t need to be saved and I don’t want to hear about the J man and I don’t need any thoughts and prayers. Empathy, accountability, responsibility and respect of my humanity and boundaries is a good start. That’s what everyone wants, needs, and deserves. Empathy is my religion and love is my passion.

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I receive zero assistance. How do you support yourself?

My spouse is very controlling with our income. Since we’re married I was denied SSI. He thinks money’s just for bills, groceries & fuel/vehicle costs. We have a joint banking account but, I have to ask permission for every little thing. If I want clothes, comfort items, etc. I’ve never once committed financial infidelity, yet I’m treated as if I go on wild spending sprees. I try to decorate our home after 20yrs. of living here & I’m reprimanded. I’m only looking out for our family, our animals, & that’s it. Why do you think I get treated this way? I don’t understand it & I simply can’t take anymore. He always says how he never spends any money on himself not even clothes. He has a hard factory job & I purchase clothes for him sometimes. I’m so confused. I want out of this situation where I’m not valued. I have nowhere else to go or anywhere to turn to. It’s just so toxic. All our bills are paid for. I don’t believe in gambling. I don’t abuse drugs or drink. He vapes hemp compounds sold legally. Please explain to me how I’m constantly the one that’s in error. #MentalHealth #DisabilityRights #ChronicIllness #Spoonie #spooniesupport

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What Was a Favorite Toy You Remember?

I got out all of my Barbies. I keep them in a tub in the back of the closet. I did their hair and dressed them all up. It’s very cathartic for me. When I was a little girl living with abuse/neglect, the few Barbies I owned were my escape. A friend down the street had a bunch of them. I could play with them for hours. I was careful to make sure each one was properly dressed. Playing Barbies was safe.
Is there a favorite toy you remember most? What was it?

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HI, A WOMAN may be infringing on my family relationships, I'm hard working and keep everything together, however I have been infringed upon almost to the point of suicide, due to past cheating on my partner's part I was locked in a ward with a Gas Leak, and almost died, my elderly upstanding 38 years of school teaching mother's life was taken 3 years ago, when I tried to cite elder abuse I was arrested, and have also unjustly spent time in jail, maybe we don't need to cheat and go to Mountains, Ireland or Florida, I would rather have my freedom, the freedom of my family, and overcoming of suicidal ideation and threats, Smarten up, and butt out

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Second major depressive event in my life

Well this is the 2nd time in my life that there has been a significant break through. It has brought me to my knees. Back in the end of November of 2023 I came to the realization that my marriage was unequivocally broken (30 year marriage). I had been actively using denial so as not to deal with it. I just came to a point where I was tired of lying to myself. He is passive-aggressive with narcissistic tendencies. I suffer from chronic pain, C-PTSD, major depression, ADHD, rejection sensitive dysphoria, child abuse with emotional, sexual, and physical abuse, and other sexual abuse by a teacher and boyfriend. I've been in therapy since the age of 18, I've been on antidepressants since the age of 19, and I'm currently in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy) to help deal with such a big loss. Healing is slow but this isn't the first time I've had to deal with big issues. Trying so hard to deal and look at this pain for all that it is. Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate what the Might has done for me. God bless.

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When we lack empathy for others, we dehumanize them. It’s important to have empathy for both ourselves and those that are suffering from a mental disorder that causes suffering to others. I am by no means advocating for abuse or enabling it. I’m talking about seeing mental illness as a disorder, not a character defect or flaw, but something that is treatable with therapy, medication and self awareness. My mother has NPD, and I was married to someone with it for 10 years. I have C-PTSD as a result. Yes, I am angry, and I have good days and bad. I still try to remain a humanist and see the person behind the disorder and empathize with how they got there. It helps me maintain my semblance of sanity and have even more empathy for myself.

Turning Your Attention to Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder is more than self-centered behavior. Learn how to recognize this mental health condition.
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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is jesebear37. I'm here because im a hsp thats experienced cumulative abuse and trauma and im very misunderstood and struggling with coping.


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What did I do?

Another night of nightmares. motional flashbacks. Panic attacks in my sleep. Just spent another hour walking the house in circles in the dark.

Sadly, the question that kept coming up while exfoliating my mind in my panic/meditation walk was 'what did I do?'.

We all have asked that question over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Tonight I found myself asking this question again. Not in anger. Not in rage. Not with my entire insides threatening to fall out. This time it's much more calm. It's knowing the answer but still having to ask the question. Nothing. I did nothing that caused me to have a lifetime of nightmares and living nightmares. I wasn't born under an unlucky star. I'm not paying for sins of another or my own in another lifetime. I came to be in a family of two mentally ill parents. Who passed their sickness onto their children. Who all passed their sickness onto me unrelenting day after day after day. I've paid for that unrelentingly my entire life.

I guess my point here is to figure, once more, that it is important to ask 'what did I do' over and over again. As many times as it takes to understand that we did nothing to deserve this. Not the horrors of the trauma, abuse and neglect and not the years and decades of what these things did to us.

I feel so bad so often about my failure to connect to others. The fear, the loathing of the fear, the looking at other people's eyes and seeing the distaste, the listening to the words and their distaste. I know at least some of its my BPD. I have always lacked social skills. It's the affect of the trauma, abuse and neglect.

The answer to that question includes that it wasn't my fault. I have 58 years trauma, abuse and neglect. 58 years of pain, suffering, nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, triggers, etc... that I struggled heroically against trying to make a semblance of my life. I think that I just don't deserve respect for being survivor. I deserve to be me. With all my flaws that aren't my fault. I did nothing to deserve my nightmare of a childhood. Or the life that came from it. I have struggled at my utmost capacity just trying to pretend a semblance of normalcy. It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve it or any of this.

Once more, going through this process.


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A Grief Transformed #Abuse #Grief #MightyPoets

When I was young
I begged at pianos
For others to cry.
Not for the beauty
Or poignancy of the lines -
I needed others to hear
Pain leaking; to hoot
And holler approval;
To kiss and caress
A mother's love onto my stage.

Now I am older
I play telling stories.
My ache and my need
Still preside, providing
Clay for the moulding
Of grey, soughing grief
Into clear-as-day grass.
Read on if you may,
Or not. There's beauty
Here for the taking.

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I kept choosing to go back

I kept going back. I kept the cycle open. He had so much sadness and trauma from his past. So I had no right to ever tell him to stop. I was his first love and I failed him. I broke his trust by keeping friendships that hurt him. I tried over and over again to reassure him of my love but I wasnt enough. At the time he must have felt invalidated so why wouldnt he walk away. But now a 1 year has gone by. We played into this cycle, he lies about the things he would curse me on. I got jealous over things I have no right to get jealous about. He wants to be alone but still reaches out. I knew that he was hurting me but I kept that door open so he wouldn't be alone. He would block me and unblock me. Reach out to family while I was blocked or reached out to friends still keeping my channel of communication closed. But when he unblocked me I kept reassuring him I loved him. I told him Id always be here for him. I kept caring and loving only for him to respond "I'm abusing you and you shouldn't care" He knew and I knew but I kept going back, responding, meeting him whenever he called, only for him to ghost me until days later at 1am when he felt he needed to lash out again. I still care but I cant. I never fought back I always just allowed it. He isn't a villain to me, he is a beautiful but very hurt soul. He deserves to be happy I just wish he was kinder to my heart. He has had depression his entire life and I always tried my best to give him the space and love he needed. But just because he had trauma does that mean he is allowed to not have any faults. I wish I was able to feel confidence to protect my heart but I didn't. How can I let go of the guilt I feel for it all?
#Abuse #Depression #Brokenhearted #Trauma

3 reactions 1 comment