Doing a round-up of this week and realised I'm reaching out more to colleagues, my wife and even my brother this week. Starting to see I have a small network of wonderful people I can rely on, share life and have fun with. Feels like a tentative slow-burner, but I'm enjoying the quietly strengthening curiosity that this realisation has uncovered in me.
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FIRST: I AM OK! Don’t worry about the title, I’ll explain. This is my last update about the friendship I decided to end. This is my 3rd update, you can find the other posts on my profile.
My last update, I said I did the hard thing and decided to end things and that he responded but I didn’t read it yet. Well, I read it later on that same day, and he got really abusive. He basically decided to gaslight me by putting horrible words in my mouth that I never said and down right insulting me. Because I was leaving, he wanted to tear me down first. I decided to be the bigger person, respond once more very kindly and not give into the awful energy he was creating and blocked him.
That night was rough, mostly because I expected a lot of things, but not verbal abuse. It was like whiplash. I had a short meltdown, and moved on. The best part? It’s only been a couple days and I’m already so much happier. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I stuck to my principles, chose my words carefully and chose kindness over hatred. Seeing the way he responded told me everything I needed to know about him, and it reassured me that I made the right choice.
If you start to get a weird feeling in your gut about someone and you don’t know why yet—trust it. It could save you from a bad relationship. Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy, loved, and seen.
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Mild dissociation used to be my day-to-day state. Now it's terrifying. I feel myself going and I feel like I'm about to drown. I guess it's a good sign I'm spending more time in the here-and-now, but when I feel myself going I feel my only option is to run away as fast as I can from whatever stimulus is causing it. This is not pleasant at all.
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Today's affirmation given by The Mighty is — "If you have a setback, remember — you're not starting from scratch, you're starting from experience."
This is how the mindset of someone, whose stuck in perfectionism, should be.
Perfectionism is never worth it. Let me give you a few points to take it too far. I'm sure they'll help you understand how irrational the idea of being obsessed with perfection is:
1. You're going to school.
2. You decide to pay attention in classes perfectly.
3. However, you fall asleep in one of the classes. Bam! When you realise that, you decide to leave your school, thinking that you've failed to execute your goal of a perfect, error-free school life.
4. In Google, you type 'Perfect school near me'.
5. You get no results. Bam! You stop using Google, considering it imperfect and worthless. You think that Google did a mistake by not giving you a single search result.
6. You think of what search engine to use, which is perfect.
7. You eventually don't find any perfect search engine.
8. You ask ChatGPT, "Which search engine is perfect?". ChatGPT gives you this answer: "Sorry, I can't assist.". Damn it!! You even stop using ChatGPT, considering it to be imperfect because of its response.
9. In a newspaper, you search for articles which recommend you schools to get admitted to. Bam! You find your old school mentioned in such an article. You stop reading newspapers, considering it to be a mistake in that article, and thus, considering newspapers to be imperfect.
10. You eventually find out that all schools in the world are imperfect.
11. You eventually find yourself imperfect.
12. You eventually find your life imperfect too.
13. You get suicidal ideations because of that.
But, here's a very good example:
14. You consider even your suicidal ideations useless. You don't find death perfect, and you don't find life perfect either.
So, what's the way out of this?
The way out is creating a divorce application by yourself and signing it by yourself. In that way, consider yourself divorced from perfectionism.
But again, the problem here could be looking for a perfect way to create a perfect divorce application form.
Ultimately, you'll abuse yourself for such obsession with perfection. So, why even care about marrying perfection and staying committed to it?
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Had a big therapy session last Friday. Think my therapist must have known something about how my body would react. She said "show yourself some love this week". Today I have crashed and burned. There is a monster inside me who hates me and wants me dead and it is a chimera made up of my Mum, my Dad and the most demanding, critical, self-hating parts of myself. What the hell do I do with this. The last thing I want to do is show myself love. It's all I can do to sit and stare blankly into space. (The pic isn't me, but it gets as close as possible to how I feel right now).
#Depression #DissociationDisorders #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Abuse
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I am new to this support group. I recently left an abusive relationship that spanned the last 9 years of my life. I am now just trying to come to terms and process all the trauma I’ve been through in that time and I hope I can find support here on the days I struggle with this process.
#Abuse #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression
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I go Tuesday morning to the place I was before because I need help getting my head right. Just to many traumas and to much abuse I can't understand. I will also get treatment since I relapsed because life has been to hard. It's a bittersweet time for me. But I know I need this to heal!!
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Anyone else revisit favourite books from childhood? Finding it really nurturing to revisit Winnie the Pooh (the originals with the beautiful EH Shepherd illustrations) and re-read it whenever I need a cheerful, cosy moment. There's something about Winnie the Pooh being a collection of stories that the narrator is reading to indulge their own beloved child/grandchild that I really relate to as a Dad and find really comforting as an abuse survivor because it evokes that affectionate parental climate that was missing in my childhood. Feels deeply personal and really special to read them just for me; as well as read them to my two lovely girls.
How do you recapture those nurturing moments? What books/activities (if any) do you enjoy for this purpose?
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Anyone else revisit favourite books from childhood? Finding it really nurturing to revisit Winnie the Pooh (the originals with the beautiful EH Shepherd illustrations) and re-read it whenever I need a cheerful, cosy moment. There's something about Winnie the Pooh being a collection of stories that the narrator is reading to indulge their own beloved child that I really relate to as a Dad and find really comforting as an abuse survivor because it evokes that affectionate parental climate that was missing in my childhood. Feels deeply personal and really special.
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Mood not improving from the other day. Just getting worse. Not sleeping well, binge eating, numb, still hard to work and now want to hurt myself. Still teaching today. The effort of keeping going alone is killing me.
Who am I? What do I enjoy? Should I even bother trying to relate to others? What can I do with my life?
I really feel like I have no idea right now and it sucks.
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