Abuse

I didn't choose to heal; it chose me.

I remember the moment I cut the cord from my parents, and it was scary and liberating. Not knowing how they would initially react, I was pleasantly surprised and heartbroken at their lack of outreach and misunderstanding. It's like they were waiting for this moment to happen. The longer I went without speaking to them, I began to realize the cold, hard truth that they didn't care at all.

Free from their grip, I began to spiral down a dark hole inside my mind of forgotten memories. I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to give up on that darkness. How many times I've told myself it's too hard, too painful, too much. But somehow I'm still here. Still trying to fulfill my purpose in this life.

I come from a lineage of people who survived by numbing, by silencing, by pretending nothing happened. So I came to this world to break all cycles, the ultimate generational curse breaker. It's literally in my birth chart. I felt a strong purpose since I was seven years old. I'm a firm believer that we choose our parents and the hardships we endure. I will clarify that we didn't sign up for exactly what happened; free will is truly a scary concept. I'm here to break the cycles of abuse, neglect, trauma, addiction, honestly, all of it.

All of the abuse I've been through, the neglect, the sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse has affected me in various ways. I'm emotionally intelligent, but my emotions explode because I was never taught how to regulate. I'm learning now. I stopped giving my body to random men well over ten years ago. Always searching for something that wasn't there or trying to fill the void of pain and loneliness. Teaching myself to be kind, not just to myself, but to others as well. Creating strong, healthy boundaries, learning to say no. The most challenging of them all: addiction.

I didn't start smoking cigarettes until the day after my 18th birthday, being peer pressured into it. I continued to smoke cigarettes until I was 31 years old and quit cold turkey. I started drinking the summer after high school, under peer pressure, to fit in with my friends, and I found an outlet. A way to cope with things that I didn't remember. I felt lost but found. There was smoking of cannabis during this time. I preferred smoking over drinking, but this was before it was legal in my state to purchase cannabis. I drank heavily for the next 8 years, always searching for someone to connect with on a physical level, but nothing beyond that. When I said the healing journey chose me, this is what I mean; in September 2015, I was at a wedding with some friends, and I had been drinking. Later in the evening, I got a migraine. My first ever, and that was the turning point in my life.

It was a glamorous journey. I struggled to be sober. I struggled with staying home on the weekends, not being able to be at the bar with friends. Who were not friends, just people that happened to be drinking at the same watering hole. It honestly wasn't until after the New Year that I started to make real changes. I saw a doctor, I went on depression meds, and started practicing Yoga once per week. I spent the next few years physcially detoxing from all the crap I put in my body. I changed my diet, tried to sleep more, exercise, etc. I felt like I was walking up an icy mountain, not really making any progress but still trying. Mainly because I was still living with my parents at this time. Still under their abusive manipulation. I had no idea what I had just started.

I did quit drinking. My mom was an alcoholic, so that's an easy no for me. She killed herself three years ago. That's another story, for another time. I did, however, utilize the fact that at the beginning of 2020, marijuana became legal in my state. It was a godsend. Marijuana helped me cope and process over the next 5 years, and now here I am present moment, writing this out and struggling to let go of my edibles. My body is rejecting them, just like my body was rejecting alcohol. I crave the numbness, the release, but my heart says no. It's an internal battle that I keep to myself, wishing to be sober, but the bridge to get there is burning, itchy cravings that are the hardest part to get through.

I'm at the end of my numbing journey. I now know that I don't need it anymore. It's the in-between the old and the new, learning to cope with new techniques. I now choose healing not because it's easy, but because I'm tired of pain being the only legacy I carry forward. I refuse to be like either of my parents. I won't let my story end the same way. I also know deep in my soul that I am meant to help bring great change. It may feel like to end is all around, but I have hope that this is the downfall that we all need. Whether that's on your own personal journey or in the current state of our world. The old must be exposed before the new can be accepted.

Even if you're the first in your family to choose healing, even if no one claps for you, your choice matters. You matter. And you're not alone.

#MentalHealth #change #CPTSD #healingjourney #soberiety #choices #TraumaRecovery #AddictionRecovery

In 2019 i fell in love with a covert narcissist the cycle of trauma abuse and manipulation continuted till 2024 I was trauma bonded and realised when it was too late .. I developed generalized anxiety disorder , I was unable to understand what was wrong with me ...till the time another nightmare was waiting for me in 2025 i was sexually harassed by a know family relative in my home , that left me with immense emotional and psychological trauma by repeated cycle of abuse , I developed C-ptsd , unable to move out of my bed for months with suicidal thoughts and self harm .. here I am beginning my journey of healing .. initially medications like escitalopram helped me stabilize my flare ups , .I started exercising ,my condition is improving so far although the flashback keep coming , I am learning to manage the triggers ,, ..not in the best ..but trying .I wish we all keep pushing ourselves , as there is always light at the end of the tunnel..❤️#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Trauma #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Sometimes there’s so much chaos, we have to hide away.
We lose connection with our selves, in an attempt to be okay
My darling, you’ve been through so much, but things are finally starting to change.
You’ve found a strength you didn’t know you had, though it feels unfamiliar and strange.
Things will never be ‘easy’.
That’s just not how life works.
I just hope you’ll always remember, you weren’t to blame for the abuse and all the hurt.
It’s ok to take things slowly.
You don’t need to earn rest.
Just keep taking each moment as it comes, and be proud that you’ve always done your best.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Abuse

Hi everyone 👋 I’m new here.I go by SpicyWitch38417 (because honestly… that’s my whole vibe right now 😆🔥🖤).
I’m 46, healing from years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and long-term trauma (both from an ex-husband and family dynamics... including a strained relationship with my daughter that I’m trying to navigate now).
I’ve recently learned I likely have C-PTSD and ADHD, plus I’m rolling through perimenopause like a damn warrior.Some days I’m full of fire and hope.Other days… full of tears, brain fog, and wondering how I’m going to keep showing up for work and life.
I’m working hard on boundaries, nervous system regulation, and inner child healing. I journal, I walk my dog (Riggs 🐾), I’m reading How to Do the Work by The Holistic Psychologist, and I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to stay stuck in survival mode. I've started my TikTok to claim our small but mighty daily wins. We're all just trying to survive.
If you’re here doing the work too… I see you. ❤️Let’s root for each other.

#MightyTogether

I'm so hurting right now.

My mother keeps denying the physical abuse that my father did to me. He was violent to all of us, I was the most abused child. She keeps saying that I was starting it and disrespecting him.

I don't know why it hurts so much. I know she's bad and all but that hurts.

I have no tears to cry, I'm scared to have a panic attack because the nurses will come and I want to stay alone.

It is too much for me right now...

I already have too much on my plate.

(If you don't really understand you can check my "My reality" and "Journey" posts)

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #PanicAttacks #PanicAttack #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

I used to watch the birds. My grandma loved birds and I watched them with her, not because I loved them but because she did. I used to watch her. I looked up to her with my whole small being. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Not just because of the way she appeared but because of the grace she carried. I witnessed the abuse that life threw at her, even abuse from the people who were supposed to love her the most. Yet she stood tall and unshaken. I never saw her cry once. Although I could still see the pain behind her eyes even at such a young age I could feel it. I think she watched me like she watched the birds. She loved who I was and who I was yet to become. I hope she is watching me like I used to watch her. Birds are free and I hope she is now too.

I used to watch the birds. My grandma loved them, and I think that’s why I watched them too—not because I loved them, but because she did. I used to watch her. I looked up to her with my whole small being. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen—not just because of the way she looked, but because of the grace she carried. I witnessed the abuse life threw at her, even abuse from the people who were supposed to love her most. Yet, she stood tall and unshaken. She was gentle and kind, fair although life wasn’t. I never saw her cry, but even as a child, I could still see the pain behind her eyes. I felt it. I think she felt mine too. She saw right through me, and she’s the only one who ever could. She never judged; she just felt.

Now that I’m grown, I realize I’m just like her. She never tried to hurt anyone because she knew what it felt like. I stood up for her as a child, and she did the same for me. We saw one another, and that love is irreplaceable.

Watching her take her last breath is something I will never forget. It was too soon, and there was so much more for us to experience together. I feel cheated out of time with her—the one person who understood me and loved me for every good and awful piece of me. I only hope to be half as graceful as she was. I’ve felt so much loss in my life, but the loss of her is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept or understand.

I think she watched me the way she watched the birds. She loved who I was and who I was yet to become. I hope she’s watching me now, just like I used to watch her. Birds fly free, and I hope she is free now too.

I’m almost 26 now. It’s Mother’s Day today, and I never know how to feel on this “holiday.” My grandma died today, which only adds to the confusion I never fail to feel. I am a complete outcast in my family—not because I want to be or choose to be, but because they will never understand me. Not because they couldn’t try to, but because they don’t want to.

I have this hate inside me for every single one of them. It’s the most confusing feeling in the world. I want them to love me and see me, but they just don’t want to. Even when they say they do, it’s all pretend. They tell me I’m not alone, but I am.

When I lost Nana, I lost the one person who loved me—who really loved me. Everything always comes back to her. Every time someone lets me down—including myself—I always think of her, of what she would say to make it “better,” to make it make sense. I miss her on this day. I miss her everyday.

My own mother hated me. I don’t know if she ever loved me. Maybe there was a time when she did—when I was a baby and didn’t have a mind of my own, when I was just a thing to fill her loneliness. Once I wanted a life of my own, I became worthless. I was selfish and self-centered. It was “fuck me” for wanting a normal life—for wanting friends, a family, a home.

She was right about one thing, though: that my family would never love or care about me the way I needed them to.

Somehow, I always end up excusing her behavior… her abuse. I was a child. She permanently stunted who I could have been. She made me into her punching bag—and then she died. She got the easy way out. She created me, abused me, and left me. Maybe her mental illness was to blame, but that doesn’t change what she did.

I’m so sick of feeling guilty for how I acted as a child. I’m constantly embarrassed. Why am I the one who keeps taking the blame for the abuse I suffered?

The person I became in the summer of 2024 is who I am most ashamed of. I became hateful. I became an alcoholic. I became a cheater. I became someone who projected their hurt—and I will never let myself get that bad again. I became my abuser, and I hate that I allowed that. I hate that it was within me.

Well… I didn’t think this was going to happen.

I sometimes talk about the grief I have from going no contact from almost everyone from my pastz I had a very wide circle, and unhealthy best friends and toxic family members, surviving dv and homelessness- it just didn’t work that I felt comfortable knowing what I ended up knowing later. Specifically it has been hard to not be an aunt. I went no contact with my sister who was my first abuser. It was while the children were minors. I didn’t know what would happen but my sister was making my cptsd harder to manage after it being triggered by dv. I can feel it in my nervous system when “vibes are off”- someone please tell me this isn’t in my mind because the logical side of me is like- what do you mean???
Anyways very tangential- so my niece got mad at me when I was displaced to Cleveland for an unknown period of time and didn’t tell her. Now at that period of time I was no contact with my sister and really weird contact with other family members, I was still unhoused planning to go back to Dayton- and didn’t want that information passed along. I understood her point and told her that it wasn’t a conversation I could have (or something) and I am so so so sorry. I validated her feelings.
So yesterday I got a message from my niece on IG. She had unfollowed me- I refused to block her. She is still young and hasn’t done anything out of the range of normal for her development and knowledge of the situation. I am so happy! Although I was very sad that she grew tired of my sister’s abuse. I am not sure she knows that’s what it is yet. She moved out and lives with her boyfriend. She is over 2 hours away and I remember that liberty when I moved further from reach of my family. She told me she is “no contact” with everyone but my mom and my mom’s husband. I don’t know what she had heard about me, or what she believes about me. My sister’s abuse became worse when I became disabled even though we live hundred of miles apart and never asked her for anything.
I am worried about my niece though. She seems lonely. I hope when she starts working she gets some social time. I’m trying not to be the overexcited aunt who fell out of the family- but here I am.
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

Hi, my name is Kissie. I'm here because
I have never healed from child hood abuse and rape when I was 9#MightyTogether #PTSD

Hi, my name is Hana. I'm here because I really need help because I feel so lost and locked in my past I'm 20 yo and I couldn't forget the verbal and physical abuse i suffered they lingering in my soul thus isolated myself from world the only place I can go to is university I don't have friends , I feel strange in my house however I have good look ,personality also I'm excellent student but still can't make relationships or deal with the real world

#MightyTogether