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    1 year down, the rest of my life to go

    It has been 1 year today that I've been abuse free. It's a great feeling and I'm moving forward with a new start to the up coming new year. New city, new home, new job. It's going to be tough for a little while but I now know my strength and my worth.

    If you are in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to leave when you can. My marriage almost killed me more than once and leaving was and is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Even though I most my children in the wake, I have hope that they'll come around someday. #Never again #freedom #Abuse


    Knowing When You've Had Enough

    Personally, I am tired of hearing that toxic family are still family and that you should endure their toxic behavior because they are family. It is important to know when you've had enough. No one deserves to be abused or hurt in anyway. Walking away or terminating a relationship does not make you a bad person or a toxic person. I had to cut my family out of my life for the sake of my own well-being. At first I felt guilty and ashamed. I bought into the they're your family. I bought into that for so long that the guilt started interfering in my life. It took a lot of therapy, self reflection and help from my fiancé to realize that I don't need them. I didn't deserve to be abused by my family. Walking away means you love yourself enough to know your worth. It took me a long time to learn that I am worth something. I am more than what was done to me. Choosing to terminate those relationships seems to be the best thing I've done so far. I'm not holding out hope of reconciliation. This also takes a lot of acceptance. I may never get the apology I so desperately deserve. I have to be okay with that. Some days it still bothers me though, but overall I am okay with no apology. You need to know that you are worthy of being loved, respected and treated with compassion. You do not deserve to be abused in any way. Remember walking away or terminating a relationship does not make you a toxic person. Don't let people tell you that it's your fault for cutting people out. Know your worth.

    #Abuse #abusesurvivor #PTSD #Family #Toxic #Realtionships


    Therapy today ... TW... phrases used in love bombing/grooming

    In my therapy today, we discussed the situation with my ex-friend. It seems weird to discuss narcissistic abuse in a non-romantic or parental role. But it happens. I've been no-contact with him since April of this year. At least, no direct contact. I can't say what others are doing. I wanted to go back and look at the things that were said to me from an analytical point of view, not emotional, to lure me in. And found them in spades. Really obvious ones, like "you don't realize how alike we really are"... to telling me I'm calming and that's just who I am. Spoke to every single insecurity I have. And then to have him tear me down and tell me I have no empathy, don't care about him, etc. It got bad. In the discussion, my therapist actually told me in her opinion, he was displaying some psychopathic tendencies, but couldn't call him a psychopath. It really strengthened my resolve to stay far away from him. But I still care. This week, I heard that he was in the hospital with a possible heart attack. It turned out it wasn't. But I still got a bit emotional over it. Why the *f* do I still care what happens to him? I realize that he was a friend from my teen years (in my 50s now), so maybe that's part of it. But it just feels a bit crazy.


    Therapy today TW... phrases in narcissistic abuse

    During my therapy today, we discussed the situation with my ex-friend. I had gone back to see what phrases had been used to pull me in. I wanted to know how it had happened. I talked to my therapist about this, and what I had found. Phrases like "you don't realize how alike we really are", and telling me, a people pleaser, how my presence is calming and it's who I am... spoke too clearly to that little one inside me. Pulled me right into it. She thought it was interesting, because it was not sexual. But definitely was mental. She actually said he was showing some psychopathic tendencies, although she could not state he was a psychopath. She really strengthened my resolve to stay as far from him as possible. I'm still in touch daily with his ex-girlfriend, and she is still in contact with him. But so far, I've been able to stay mostly unemotional about it. She's going to do what she ends up doing. I will support her choices, but I'm not going to get involved with him at all. It's funny. You'd think I wouldn't care about him at all. That I would be able to just walk away and not look back. But I can't. Things he's said still haunt my thoughts. Sometimes I can't trust that he wasn't right in some way, and I was wrong, and so it makes me feel uncomfortable about saying things in certain ways to certain people. It's frustrating as all get out. But I'm slowly recognizing that it's because of the way I was raised. I had only known similar behavior until my husband now took my hand. Knowing he's by my side means I know I'll get through this.


    Mania or Insomnia? #BipolarDisorder

    Just woke up and it’s 3 in the morning. I take meds for sleep but for some reason I can’t sleep. I’m not experiencing all the typical symptoms of mania yet I feel wired if that makes any sense. I hope it doesn’t get worse. Or could it be insomnia? The only thing I’m afraid of is that the mania or insomnia will worsen the #PTSD and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . Once the PTSD gets triggered, I can go into a crying spell or experience intense emotions tied to the abuse and trauma I went through. In terms of the BPD, it can lead to black and white thinking which can make things even more difficult. So I’d like to know what exactly I’m experiencing. Perhaps it’s a combination of both. I’m not sure. Thank you for your response.
    #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Mania #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Insomnia


    What does loving our trauma mean?

    I stumbled across this question while doing some reading, and to be honest I am not sure what it means. I have my own ideas however. Perhaps loving our trauma means that we accept that it happened. Perhaps it means that we love ourselves despite it. Maybe it means that we can look for lessons that it taught and is trying to teach us. Though trauma is often a life altering event, it does not have to be a life sentence. With the proper care and treatment we can learn to manage and coexist with it. I am not saying to just get over it (personally I hate hearing that too). What I am saying is taking the initiative to heal and create the life you choose for yourself. Maybe loving our trauma means that we don't let is define us and dictate our future. We are resilient and strong. We have been through things that tested our ability to survive, and we survived. Sure we might have come out with scars (PTSD) or something else but we did it. That's the important point. Loving your trauma can mean anything but the important thing is to not see it as something that has the ability to ruin the life you want to live. Do not let the trauma win. Love it instead. I am not saying you can't have bad days either, when the trauma hits all over again (I have days like that too). I am only saying that if you try to look at it optimistically that it can change how you see things and yourself. You got this, you are not a victim of something horrible but a SURVIVOR. Just like I am. So stand tall and keep going. You can do it, I believe in you.

    #Abuse #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #Trauma #Hope #Inspiration #Love #thankful #Survivor


    Who else over complies and is afraid of upsetting people due to emotional abuse?

    I tend to over comply and give into people for fear of upsetting them. I suppose it's due to the emotional/verbal abuse I endured. Am I alone in this? I also have low self esteem and self worth. I am trying to heal and gain a sense of self respect as well as stand up for myself but fear always gets in the way. What can I do? I also have PTSD from being abused sexually and I suppose part of the PTSD comes from the emotional trauma too. I read that emotional abuse is just as damaging as other forms of abuse. For anyone that has experienced this kind of abuse, how did you heal? Did you confront the person that hurt you? I am in therapy but sometimes that does not seem like enough. I get frustrated with myself for giving in when I should not. I become anxious when I have to have an interaction with someone because I feel guilty when I say no to someone or something. How do I overcome this?

    #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #PTSD


    Linguistics -A matter of language

    As someone with a Bachelor's in English, words and their meanings, as well their usage are important to me. The use of mental illnesses as adjectives for example (she's so Bipolar, he's so OCD) really frustrate me. Most people that engage in this practice have no idea what those illnesses entail. As someone with Bipolar Disorder I can tell you that it is more than mood swings. I do not have OCD but I can relate to those that have PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was formally diagnosed back in 2019. And yet, people throw those words around without knowing what they truly mean. I'm sure a lot of you feel the same way. Another matter I would like to cover is the use of the word suffering. Suffering implies pain and while certain illnesses involve pain, suffering also implies that it is life long. I disagree. Some illnesses cannot be cured per se but they can be managed and tolerated. Another problem is the usage of the statement I am. (I am Bipolar, Anorexic etc.) You are more than your mental or physical illness. You are not your diagnosis. Instead try saying I have Bipolar or whatever mental or physical illness you have. By making a simple change in how you speak, you can change your whole outlook. You live with your mental illness, you are not the illness. You are a wonderful and resilient person that is thriving despite your illness. Just try changing how you speak and see what happens.

    #Abuse #abusesurvivor #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Language #Life #thankful #Motivation #Inspiration


    Dear Inner Child,

    It all started that night,

    Mom and dad got into a fight,

    Little me helpless and scared,

    Now I wonder why I even cared

    Enduring constant abuse and pain,

    I broke my own brain

    Now in order for me to heal,

    I need to make mom and dad a deal,

    Now I am an adult,

    That don't need no more insult,

    I gotta put me first,

    before their darling child becomes their worst

    Thank you for all you've done,

    But it's time for me to join life's run,

    If you wish to do anything further then trust me,

    And trust yourself that you've raised me well enough to let me be.



    Something that has really helped me stay on the track to better health is consistency. Staying consistent with treating your mental health (medication and therapy) is wonderful. However there are many other ways you can be consistent in your life too. Consistency has a lot to do with habits and while forming or breaking a habit can be daunting, it is possible. Treat yourself with grace, patience and kindness. You deserve it, especially if you are trying to break a toxic and unhealthy habit. Try to be consistent with your physical health too. Treat your body with the respect it deserves. I personally am attempting to have better physical health. I am making changes to my lifestyle. If you are religious (like I am) or spiritual then try to be consistent there too. I am trying to keep a prayer journal as well as my regular journal. When you are anxious or depressed, remind yourself that it is okay to not be okay but do not let them play tricks on you. You can and will reach your goals with consistency. One of my goals is to heal (as an abuse survivor) to a point where I no longer have crying spells or go into a mental health crisis. What is your goal and how will consistency help you reach it?

    #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #Inspiration #Motivation #CONSISTENT #Health #Anxiety #Depression #thankful #Hope #Religion #Spirituality #Lifestyle