Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence
These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today
Just I'm feeling it very hard today
Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today
Was that anxious
Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands
I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.
When in reality they never had Agoraphobia
Because at the End of the day
I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5
Is getting a little better
But still have the condition
Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house
With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long
But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms
I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.
But can't do it everyday it's occasional
Maybe once or twice a month
Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.
Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself
The feelings are overwhelming
And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.
Dizziness headaches heart aches
It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.
Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.
Which I been doing every month if I could.
But I feel so sick.
Just I tried several jobs over the years.
From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks
Dropping money and patties.
Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.
Had a panic attack
Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories
Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.
Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.
And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.
That spilled on the floor.
And lifting that repeatedly with and without help
This very different than weight training
That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour
This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+
And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.
And you doing it at a fast rate.
Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.
Since some people shoulders gave out
And mines didn't. Thankfully
Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.
Everytime I came home.
Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.
Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.
Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.
I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.
Public jobs that I can think of.
But nobody understands or sees that.
Only IRS knows that.
Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.
Which I loved Paying Taxes.
Since I was working
But couldn't handle the Jobs.
Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and anxiety in general and panic attacks daily
Is very real condition.
But Ableism exists.
So they say Ableist Statements
Saying anxiety is not a real disability
And saying tough through it
Or MAN UP.
Which Nobody Understands My Situation.
Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.
Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.
Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖
Fresh out of High School.
Which she never said.
Since She Got pregnant with me.
By the time she was going to start Basic Training
And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training
Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.
When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011
I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.
Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden
On People and this Capitalist System.
Just I Deal With Unemployment.
And if you Judge me by me typing this.
You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place
But people don't understand
It's Very hard to keep a job
I do want to work a job or something
But Main Thing I have a conditions
I had for years.
This just didn't come up when I was grown
I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.
Been feeling ideations since I was 15.
Had To go to the hospital for the first time.
Of trying to Cope with the issues.
Didn't know it was a mental health condition.
Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.
Been a ongoing problem
Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.
Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.
I have difficulty due to my condition
I did try in public places.
I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.
Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.
Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.
Because they want you to still talk on the phone
And type stuff and stay on the computer..
Which I don't even due in my personal life.
Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.
Since I still have to interact with people.
Just it's Interreacting with people in general
That gets me very bad anxiety.
And Working at Home means you Are Independent.
You still work under someone else.
It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.
I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.
So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.
People act like these companies really care about my well being
When they give accommodations
Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee
Which I understand.
Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition
and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.
Just Even if I could do a job for one day.
That's not substantial to survive.
And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision
And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.
But The Way Society is.
Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.
Just Someone like me can't compete with someone
That doesn't have my issues.
At job positions.
It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.
Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...
But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.
Doesn't make sense to Start a job that I'm going to have a physical anxiety and panic attacks daily
And eventually quit.
Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial
Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.
I'm trying just.
I can't survive off that condition.
Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.
I didn't ask for.
I feel anxious texting people.
And people don't understand.
I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.
Since I don't leave my house.
And Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder and stuff.
It's a Double edged sword.
Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often
And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.
But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader
So I try to balance it.
But even going online is very anxious provoking.
I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.
And have flashbacks as well
And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011
And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.
Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.
The ones I lived with growing up.
Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.
Just my life sucks.
I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated
Or whatever you call it.
Just society doesn't understand.
Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.
It's seems like it's not profitable.
Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.
Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.
I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers
Which I understand.
Since profit is the driver or capitalism.
The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.
I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.
Maybe for one day but after that
I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi