I’m tired of being me. It’s exhausting. My entire body is sore and feels like it’s starting to shut down.
My depression has gotten worse. It’s escalated. I’ve started noticing more ways to end my life during the course of each day. I don t think I could actually go through with it because of the pain it would cause my wife and kids. But I feel like my existence to them is becoming an increasing burden. I’m more irritable because I’m failing to manage myself and get my shit sorted.
I’ve recently turned 40, and it’s beyond depressing to think that I’m unable to provide well enough for my wife to take a break from working full time, and for us to be less stressed.
I’m my own worst enemy. Procrastination is my first name and Depression is my last. I just don’t have the energy anymore to drive myself towards goals.
I’ve deliberately dropped contact with most members of my extended family as I don’t feel like sharing the one-sided positive highlights, and not sharing the negatives. I don’t have anyone close that I can really relate to anymore.
I don’t wish to be a burden, I hate my existence which is so futile at this point.
My energy is so low that it’s starting to impact everything.
I sleep after 2am and wake up in an epic rush to get the kids ready and to school.
My wife and I are growing apart. I’ve become an unreliable person in terms of helping her secure our future. Our marriage has been sexless for over 10 years with limited intimacy exacerbating my loneliness even further.
I have lost my identity as a person. I know what qualities I used to like about myself but I only see fragments nowadays. I feel as though I have just not been able to live up to my wife’s expectations. She’s been rejected by my family in so many passive aggressive ways and I’ve born the pain of that as the emotional punching bag.
You would never say this if you meet me.
I have a great ability at talking to anyone, super cheerful, easy going, funny sense of humour. This is all on the surface.
Deep down, I feel nothing.
I feel disconnected from everything.
The few positive moments in my day are my children and sometimes my wife when she’s not stressed out by our nuts life.
We both work full time in professional jobs but I’m barely holding it together. I’m falling more and more behind because each night I just think that my life needs to end and my family will be in a better place.
I have vivid dreams that I walk out and choose homelessness and just die quietly amongst a rubbish pile on a cold night.
Despite the pain my family would go through in re-organizing their lives, my wife is strong enough to make it happen with the kids. I’m dead weight and the weakest link.
My life didn’t work, despite all the opportunity and privilege I’ve had.
I’ve missed most major milestones because I’ve never planned for anything in my entire life. I feel as though I missed the class on prioritization, planning, goal-setting.
Trying to do all of this at age 40 is a f***ing nightmare.
I’ve failed at building it.
I can’t help but feel I know have confirmed that I am a loser.