Loneliness

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Loneliness
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Stuff's

Hard, caregiving, family, mother's day, breakfast?, two pair a jeans n 2 shirts frm Walmart, someone's work, hydro, sleepless nights n bipolar, and an elder birthday we pulled off twice, even firewood's expensive, favourite smells are a luxury, bus travel's hot now, a cheesecake no one wanted, and a 4 dollar crappy butter chicken the dogs ate, n motherhood depression, I think God kills or gives credit where credit's due, fettucini, donuts, gf groceries, single milk, n bucket list dreams, just accept what you have n don't ask for more, gratitude n sorrow all together, lonely people paint with their hand behind their back don't they

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Introduction

Hi! I’m new to this whole thing & seeing a neurodiverse group made me happy. Although I’m not officially diagnosed (there’s so much that’s to be “officially” diagnosed since I’m forever being told “I’m fine” so that’s that)… but I realised I’m neurodivergent or well specifically discovered the term a few years ago & in a way it was relieving to know that I wasn’t alone…

I joined The Mighty since I am currently trying to get through this intense wave of loneliness (although I’ve been lonely all my life & yet the past few months have worsened it) & I am really struggling right now. This week has been a nightmare & I have an urgent deadline in 48hrs & haven’t been able to bring myself to do anything other than doomscroll my existence away.

Idk what the purpose of this post or blabbering is but eventually I just want to find a space to belong to & people to talk to since rn I don’t think I’m ever gonna end up with friends in the current city.…. Uhh yea that’s about it. Nice to meet you all, I guess 😅

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Thelonelycrow. I'm here because I have been struggling with intense loneliness for pretty much all my life, but with the added burden of my health issues and the burnout, everything has become increasingly difficult. As much as I am trying to handle everything by myself, the intense loneliness is driving my crazy, and most often I end up procrastinating & doing nothing (which eventually sabotages a whole lot of things for me), while all I want is just some human interaction.

#MightyTogether #Depression #Migraine #Fibromyalgia #RheumatoidArthritis #Anxiety #Asthma

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What ifs

WHAT IF MY FAMILY HAD A SET SCHEDULE N CAME HOME EARLIER

WHAT IF MY OLD PEOPLE WERE HEALTHIER MORE FREE N MORE SOCIAL

WHAT IF I WAS MORE SOCIAL REALKY

WHAT IF PEOPLE SAID THANKYOU

WHAT IF SPECIAL OCCASIONS WERE SPENT TOGETHER IN JOY

WHAT IF BREAKS N DAYS OFF DIDN'T LEAD TO TEARS

WHAT IF I WAS CLOSER TO EXTENDED FAMILY

AND WENT OUT OF TOWN RELAXEDLY WITH FAMILY

AND HAD BETTER FINANCES

AND WASN'T TAKEN FOR GRANTED OF

AND WHEN PARTNER CAME HOME AFTER A LONG DAY WE BOTH SAID THANKYOU N A KISS

AND I EXERCISED MORE IN TGE PARKS N WILDS

N ATE LESS

N CONSUMED LESS PACKAGING N THINGS

AND HELPED THE WORLD MORE

N ENCOURAGED PEOOLE MORE

AND WASN'T SO LONELY

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Very lonely

Pauley is asleep. She got home from work at 915am today. And none of my friends are online to chat. So I got depressed which lead to anxiety which lead to overheating so I turned on my fan and then I got cold but I didn't want to turn off the fan so I put on my new hoodie.
Just as I typed the last word, my neighbor called me. She's terminally ill. We've gotten pretty close over the last 2 years. She just got a car 2 weeks ago. Anywho she wants to hire Pauley to take care of her. I explained she's busy between taking care of me and running her own business.
I've got a huge pimple on my chin and I keep trying to pop it. It's completely numb right now.

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Feeling Down and Out

#CheckInWithMe #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Depression #Anxiety

It has been a while since I have posted lately. Things have been hard with my work and living. I do love my job as a library assistant, but it can be stressful at times especially with money. I know I keep getting told to get a new job, but I love what I do. There is not hardly any openings anywhere for full time jobs so it is hard. Plus, I have been lonely lately. I do not have any friends really. It is hard to look for friend groups when you have mom who needs to be taken care of and who is afraid to go anywhere by herself. I do love my Mom and I consider her my friend, but I want someone around my age to be friends with as well, and also find a girlfriend (I am 36 and most people around my live where I live are already married and have kids.)

Sorry about the rant, but I just wanted to get that off of my chest.

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I felt like writing a story about my life because it felt harder to say it directly. I just want to know if people can resonate with me.

"Still Growing"

My childhood was simple.

The earliest memory I have is from when I was three. I remember looking around my room, completely mesmerized by my toys. It was the first time I could really retain memories and understand what my parents were saying. I think they were at their happiest then—because I felt no fear. Everything was peaceful, yet full of wonder.

I remember how big the world seemed. My ceiling felt so high, like I’d never be able to reach it, not even in my dreams. When I was four, I used to lie on the couch pretending to be asleep, just so my mom would take my picture. I liked making her laugh. I remember cutting my own hair once, and surprisingly, she didn’t get mad—because I’d actually done a good job.

When I was six, school became the best part of my day. I loved dressing up in cute shoes and fancy clothes. Every day felt like a fashion show, and I didn’t care—I loved it. Everyone in my class dressed like that. It was just the norm, and I felt like I belonged. Back then, everyone got along. Everyone was your friend. No one felt lonely.

But when did that change? When did people start pulling away?

So many people I once called friends are strangers now. Why is that? Growing up, I was happy. I never felt stressed—only joy. I felt beautiful. I felt pretty. Even the shows I used to watch seemed full of magic. Now when I look back, I feel sad. Is that a sign I’m getting older? I don’t know. I can’t remember everything anymore. Where did those memories go? Why did they leave me?

I don’t want them to. I still want to feel what I felt back then.

Mid Childhood

Then people started drifting away.

My friends left, one by one. I didn’t understand why. They laughed at me sometimes. Did I say something wrong? Was it how I looked? Maybe that’s when my anxiety started. I used to love attention, but suddenly I couldn’t stand it. Was I the problem?

My best friend stopped hanging out with me. I never got an explanation. I kept asking myself: Was it something I said? Something I did?

And then came the biggest loss of all—my abuela. I had never lost a person before. I couldn’t fully grasp it. It didn’t feel real. I didn’t cry, not at first. But I remember crying myself to sleep one night. That was the first time I ever felt truly vulnerable.

I started wishing I didn’t have to grow up. Because if I stayed young, I wouldn’t have to lose anyone else. I thought maybe if I stayed little, my family would stay together. I didn’t want change. I didn’t want to be separated.

Then COVID hit, and everything changed again. I had no friends, no school, no connection. I felt completely alone. But then we got a dog. She was the sweetest, and for a while, she gave me joy. But the fear of death stayed with me.

That was also the time I started hearing more about romantic and sexual relationships. It felt confusing, overwhelming—like I had been thrown into something I wasn’t ready for.

Late Childhood

I was first introduced to the idea of homosexuality around this time. I started questioning myself. Was I gay? Did I like girls? I became close with a girl in my class—my first best friend in that new environment. We did everything together. I could tell she liked me. Did I like her too? I told myself I did… but I wasn’t sure. Was I just trying to fit in with what I saw online? Was I trying to follow a trend?

She also introduced me to the concept of self-harm. She said it was a way to cope. But I couldn’t believe that—hurting yourself as a way to feel better? It didn’t feel right.

Until something else happened.

One day, a man talked about me—about my body—right in front of me. It was suggestive. Gross. I didn’t know how to react. I felt sick. Disgusted. Scared. I don’t even know what emotion it really was. But I felt violated.

And it didn’t just happen once. It happened multiple times. Each time, I wanted to shrink away and disappear. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because the topic was too taboo. I felt stuck, ashamed, terrified. I started to hurt myself. I cried myself to sleep. I isolated myself even more—not because I hated people, but because I hated the way they looked at me.

No, not me—my body.

Early Teens

This is when I felt the most depressed.

The more my body developed, the more comments I got. I was afraid. So I cut my hair. And for the first time in years, I felt safe again. People stopped looking at me "that" way. I felt like I could breathe. But people also started treating me like an outsider. They looked at me weird. I didn’t care at first—but then it started to hurt.

I began questioning my identity more seriously. I liked how I looked when I dressed like a boy. But was it a defense mechanism? Or was it who I really was?

For three years, I didn’t know who I was. Was I a girl? A boy? Something else? I hated being seen as a woman. I still do. It feels like a label forced onto me, one that comes with pain and expectation.

Teen Years

Eventually, I went on my first date. I started growing my hair out again, dressing more femininely. I felt like I was reclaiming something—like I was slowly becoming stronger, safer.

But then the world reminded me how fragile that safety was.

The guy I went out with made comments—sexual ones. Right away. I wanted to disappear. Why is it so important to some men to talk about sex? Why is that the first thing they see in a girl?

Why did it have to be me?

I went home and sat in the shower, crying. I cried because I felt powerless again. I cried because I just wanted to go back—to when life was simple, when I didn’t have to think about things like this.

I cried again when I realized I was growing up.

More was expected of me now. More responsibility. More pain. If this is what growing up means—finding a man, getting married, having children—then maybe I don’t want it. Maybe I just want to be happy.

Does that make me lazy? Or… am I just still growing?

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Update

Hey Mighty Pals!

I have not disappeared from the world. I've just been pretty busy trying to put all the bits and pieces back together.

The job is still great. I'm working with some challenging kids. I can see in them some of the problems I wrestled with, and still wrestle with, so it's nice to feel like I'm giving them a bit of a hand.

I'm still very lonely and I still miss my partner and my kid every single day. I'm in the midst of making peace with what happened, and I'm trying to recognize that things will never go back to how they were with them, no matter how much I wish that was the case. I'm trying to reconcile that this is a new phase of my life and that's a good thing.

Mostly ;D

I hope everyone's doing okay and figuring things out little by little.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness

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