Why I Say I’m 'Recovered' Even Though I Still Self-Harm
My life is pretty normal. I’m a stay-at-home mum to my 10-year-old daughter, who attends our local primary school. We have two dogs, a greyhound and a terrier. I study complementary medicine online. I’m a member of a local Anglican parish.
I am also autistic, have major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, skin picking disorder and medical phobia.
Life hasn’t always been “normal.” Far from it! I started self-harming at the age of 7. I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional household. I struggled with school because at that point I didn’t know I was autistic. I was bullied at school for being “dumb” and having no friends. I left school at the age of 16 because of my major depressive disorder. Being at home was no better, but at least I didn’t need to find the energy to get out of bed. By the age of 19, my self-harm was out of control. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to myself. I could not function in the world. I couldn’t work or study. I couldn’t have any kind of relationship. I didn’t even want to be awake. Ever.
Once I found the right kind of support and received the right diagnoses, I thrived. I can now study, have relationships with people and most importantly, I can function in the world. I live independently with my daughter and can take care of both our needs. I need support with some things, but I can function well now.
I also still self-harm. Is that great? No. Is it safe? Definitely not. Would I recommend it? Absolutely not. Do I wish I had never started? Absolutely! Do I want to stop? I honestly don’t know. Despite the self-harm, I consider myself recovered, healed. My life is so different than what it use to be. It’s better than I could have imagined. I self-harm at times but I’m happy, I’m functioning. I know I’ll never do anything worse than self-harm, so I don’t feel “at risk.” I know there are risks involved and although you can minimize the risks, you cannot remove all risk.
I self-harm but I love my life and I won’t call myself unwell because of it. As far as I’m concerned, I have recovered. My life is still a work in progress, but then that’s life. I don’t feel that makes me unwell.
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Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash