How I Realized I Might Have Trauma

Feeling stuck.

I used to consume a lot of self-help. I tried what they said: Exercise, meditate, eat healthy, supplement, journal and more. Yet, when I did these things, they all felt like Band-Aids. In my vicious cycle, I dove into more self-help: Habit building, morning routines, creating systems, etc. All my efforts seemed disproportionate to my “healing.” I felt stuck. Sometimes, this stuck would make me feel hopeless, as if this was it, this was life.

“This pain is your life.”

That thought sent me into some of my worst downward spirals. Some loving and well-intentioned supporters told me peace would be waiting once I accepted it as part of who I am, and to stop trying so hard to run from it. They’re half-right and half-wrong, in my opinion. I started to resent bloggers/social media influencers who spoke about their mental health journeys with depression and anxiety. I did what they did, why was I not glowing, thriving and happy?

Redefining trauma.

From my conviction to keep trying and not accept this as who I am, I serendipitously got paired with an eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapist. What is EMDR? In simple terms, a trauma-focused modality of therapy. When my current therapist described it to me, the moment I heard the word trauma, I thought to myself, I don’t need that. That was and is the farthest thing from the truth. If you’re like me, trauma is heavily associated with violence, sexual assault or war. Which is a fair association. However, what if trauma is actually more broad?

I was taught trauma is any event or experience that is too overwhelming for the nervous system.

When this occurs, the brain can see this as a threat and try to remember the event as a survival mechanism, to be prepared for next time. However, sometimes the brain forms the memory encapsulating the worst parts so you can detect them and be ready! I think we should commend our lovely brains for this. It certainly served many benefits. But with all great things, there are also downfalls.

Many are familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When people are at war and a bomb goes off — that is an overwhelming event. The negative parts of the event often get stored in the memory so the brain can quickly recognize it the next time it occurs. However, this memory isn’t context-specific. So, when fireworks light up the sky with explosive sounds, the brain might pick up the loud sounds and connect it back to the sound of the bomb and bring the entire body back to the moment the bomb went off at war.

So, even in safety and possibly many years later, the brain still provokes a reaction from the past. As children, we are most vulnerable and because of this, many events can overwhelm the nervous system. These events might be stored into memory just like the bomb memory. Except, instead of something physically dangerous, it’s emotionally dangerous. This can lead to us having certain beliefs as adults like: “I am not enough, I am unloved, I am a failure,” and the list goes on. These beliefs can come with certain triggers. Someone criticizes you, someone doesn’t pick up the phone when you need them, you get a bad mark. And similar to the fireworks and war veteran, your nervous system panics. So, what does this look like?

What trauma may look or feel like.

This is difficult for me to answer because it looks different on everyone. This is what it felt like for me:

Nervous system in overload: Uncontrollable, heightened emotional responses that are disproportionate to the event at hand.

In addition to hypervigilance, anxiety, tension headaches, fear of abandonment, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, adult tantrums, feeling unsafe and rage. It can look like certain behavioral patterns: Co-dependency, people pleasing and for some, disassociating, shutting down or avoiding.

So, what if it’s trauma?

I think the boom of self-help is wonderful. But again, with all great things come drawbacks. Although self-help may seem like it, it is not one-size-fits-all. That’s far from the truth. If you are feeling stuck, or like cognitive re-thinking is not helping, do not give up. Perhaps your wounds lie deeper. That is more than OK. Perhaps this entire blog did not resonate with you, that is more than OK. The point is, we are all different, so I encourage you to look into different causes, and different treatments. To not get discouraged when a self-help blog has suggestions that no matter how hard you try, don’t work. Keep searching and stay open. It may get exhausting at times, but it will be worth it.

Next steps for trauma.

If parts of this blog resonated with you or you’re interested in learning more, here are a few resources to help deepen your understanding of trauma or treatments to look into. It can be scary to admit it may be trauma, especially if you think your trauma may be “small.” But, the feelings and pain are real and that is all that matters, whether it is trauma or not.

Two important disclaimers:

1. Facing trauma is by no means easy whether it’s “little t” trauma or “big t” trauma. But nothing good comes easy.

2. You are not more broken if you have trauma; in fact, in my experience, it only deepens your capacity to feel the bad, but also the good. The compassion, understanding and love for not only yourself, but for others. Don’t believe me? Give it a try and see for yourself.

Further resources.

Therapy Modalities:

• EMDR therapy
• Somatic experiencing therapy
• Trauma-informed therapy

Books:

• “Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy” by Francine Shapiro
• “The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk
• “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma” by Pete Walker

Platforms:

• The Holistic Psychologist
• Personal Development School 

Topics:

• Complex PTSD
• Attachment theory

A version of this article was originally published on Medium.