I recently left a relationship that felt unsafe despite the fact that it left me with less housing stability when I have almost none
I keep writing these out. There are so many.
Here are a few
*His behavior entirely changed when he was angry- he was indignant and irrational. He angered easily. We was irritable and blamed his angry outbursts and irrationality on insomnia.
*My days were entirely consumed by attending to his needs- his laundry and helping him sleep and talking to him about his needs. He required all of my attention.
He self sabotaged by drinking excessive and unhealthy amounts of caffeine (for instance double shot espresso and a bang [energy drink] in just a few hours)
My health rapidly and severely declined- I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body
*When I tried to talk to him about something that upset me, he made it about how I said it
*I stopped being able to process anything in therapy- the one place I do feel safe
*I felt like he was doing things specifically to get a response or reaction from me
*He “didn’t know” the most basic of life skills and would not do anything to “learn”
*I was not the only one who struggled to reason with him
*he demanded a lot of energy and attention from everyone in his life
I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
I couldn’t talk to my therapist
I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body
When we talked about moving in together- we spent an entire night talking about why I would not just “give him my entire disability check” and then he would “give me back the money I needed when i needed it.” He ended up asking his friend and his friend told him he was wrong- then he continued to argue with me about it
He would talk in circles in what felt like an attempt to keep my attention on him
Nothing made sense
He twisted what I said
There were periods after fighting when everything was so good again but it never stayed that way
I knew if we had plans together- it was likely he would start an argument with me and I would be too sick to do the activity. And then he would fight with me about that, oftentimes with me sitting catatonic. Sometimes he would demand “why aren’t you saying anything!?”
We agreed to disengaging when things were becoming too bad and I was dissociating. I was the only one to try to do that, despite me reminding him many times
He always had the last word
The one that clarified everything for me was when we were going to an event for a project to help me share my story he started an argument with me and I almost was too sick to go. On the way there, he drove erratically. I knew he would deny it. But I was like “this is INTENTIONAL. And this is intimidation as a means of control. This is coercive control.”
I realized as long as he was around, I was going to have to give up the things I wanted or needed to do because he would make it nearly impossible. Even things he wanted to do too.
I have been through dating violence and domestic violence before. I know the process of re-remembering all the things that in hindsight are so clear and obvious. I’ll probably post more as I work through this.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors
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