Panic Attacks

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Today was not a good day. #PTSD #DysfunctionalFamily #Depression #PanicAttack #Relationships

I woke up to a phone call that I didn’t recognize from my home town, I thought it was my son calling to tell me my mom died , but instead it was my mom. I haven’t talked to her since last November when my oldest brother died from a heart attack. She couldn’t say one loving or kind word about her own son, instead she ran him down and didn’t shed one tear. I got mad and she actually laughed at me. I told her she was sick, I hung up the phone and blocked her number. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her again, until today. My heart rate increased, practically pounding out of my chest at the beginning of the call and I regressed to a child. I endured about an hour of narcissistic abuse today. I have been sick all day. Panicking, head hurting, feeling like there was a ball in the pit of my stomach. Then, I had to go to Walmart to pickup my meds and was afraid of being targeted for abuse again, or retaliation for standing up for myself the other day. Thankfully, my Doctor prescribed me an antidepressant, that I just started today, I’m hoping will help, because I’m a wreck. I ran into an old bully at the store and felt like I just couldn’t find a safe place today. I had to sell a device that I didn’t want and I will not name, but is potentially unsafe for someone with mental illness, that was traumatic, because I inherited it from dad, and I felt like I betrayed him. I tried to get rid of something else, by being a responsible citizen and taking it to the police, (which was nerve racking), to no avail both police stations were closed. All in all, I wanted to just ball up in the floor at wal-mart and cover my head and cry like a baby and beg people to leave me alone. Life fucking sucks sometimes. Thankfully, I have my spouse and pets, or I wouldn’t be here.

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Today was not a good day. #PTSD #DysfunctionalFamily #Depression #PanicAttack #Relationships

I woke up to a phone call that I didn’t recognize from my home town, I thought it was my son calling to tell me my mom died , but instead it was my mom. I haven’t talked to her since last November when my oldest brother died from a heart attack. She couldn’t say one loving or kind word about her own son, instead she ran him down and didn’t shed one tear. I got mad and she actually laughed at me. I told her she was sick, I hung up the phone and blocked her number. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her again, until today. My heart rate increased, practically pounding out of my chest at the beginning of the call and I regressed to a child. I endured about an hour of narcissistic abuse today. I have been sick all day. Panicking, head hurting, feeling like there was a ball in the pit of my stomach. Then, I had to go to Walmart to pickup my meds and was afraid of being targeted for abuse again, or retaliation for standing up for myself the other day. Thankfully, my Doctor prescribed me an antidepressant, that I just started today, I’m hoping will help, because I’m a wreck. I ran into an old bully at the store and felt like I just couldn’t find a safe place today. I had to sell a device that I didn’t want and I will not name, but is potentially unsafe for someone with mental illness, that was traumatic, because I inherited it from dad, and I felt like I betrayed him. I tried to get rid of something else, by being a responsible citizen and taking it to the police, (which was nerve racking), to no avail both police stations were closed. All in all, I wanted to just ball up in the floor at wal-mart and cover my head and cry like a baby and beg people to leave me alone. Life fucking sucks sometimes. Thankfully, I have my spouse and pets, or I wouldn’t be here.

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Panic attack today

I just got done with showering and I feel really yucky. Usually the shower helps me come out of the attack but it didn't help at all. I'm hyper focused on my hands and my nails. I keep seeing maggots. There aren't any of course. But my brain is misfiring. I'm chatting with my girlfriend and she is being very helpful. But LDRs are difficult sometimes when you need them to hug you. I kinda started talking with my ex girlfriend about getting back together and my girlfriend is supportive. Sometimes I really don't deserve her love but I'm just happy for her in my life. I've got amazing people.

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Discarded by BPD ex depressed and confused #Borderline

Hello …. Its been about a month of being blocked and discarded by my BPD ex girlfriend…. Its hurts so bad to have call her my ex …. She has a uncle whom ive built a grat relationship with we talk daily … He told me she speaks badly about me to her famliy .. because there are few of them whom didn’t believe her smeer campaign… she went from putting in her 30 days to terminate her lease … To complete discrad it what its seems like a minute times … Ive reach out serval times through email … But she wont respond at all … we live about less than an half of mile from each other … so it was only a matter of time before we ran across each other .. well yesterday was that day seen her and her two daughter that ive co-parented with for the past 4 years with … i had a panic attack when i seen her … as she and the girls walked right by me like i didnt even exsist ….. i went home amd cried for hours .. ive been in a dark depression.. How could someone i loved so much amd i treated like a queen discard me without warning …. She has a sister who dates my best friend and she went to hwr sister house for her sister birthday… and Flirted with my BF/ her sister boyfriend and caused a big uproar in the famiy … obviously she knew my friend would call & tell him all about it which he did …. Im just lost and confused and hurt i wont her to love me again….

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48 hours or so

So after my last post I ended up calling an ambulance because of how much pain I was in and how I couldnt manage to even leave the bathroom.
It turns out I was a moderately constipated, and more importantly, I had ovarian cysts and fibroids. One had ruptured and the woman at the ED told me it was common to have this much pain. They gave me an antibiotic, some pain meds, and medicine for my anxiety- which I have never asked for in the past even though I take them at home. But i was in the ED for five hours and wouldn’t have been able to manage the tests with my regularly occurring panic attacks. I was grateful they took my pain and my panic seriously and didn’t shame me for them. I have a follow up for an obgyn appointment coming up.
Unfortunately, I had a second trip to the ED because a few hours after I was discharged, I had a migraine. I had actually said after we left, I should have had them try to run through some migraine meds because it was likely the strain from the day (plus other triggers) was likely to trigger a more severe migraine.
Anyways, that was treated effectively- more effectively in the past because, thankfully, my boyfriend was able to help me with my panic and was reassuring me and the hospital staff let him do that every time the panic started.

When we got back I slept and then checked the mail and found a sentimental gift I had given to my brother’s girlfriend in August that she returned/dropped off sometime recently (I am no contact with her and there is a post about how toxic she is somewhere on my page). She has a history of repeatedly contacting me despite no contacts, all of the blocks, and all of the other ways you can think of. Unfortunately she does it in a typical narcissistic way where it can be addressed or stopped because she can deny it or does it in a undercut or duplicitous manner. So at this time, since she still won’t leave me alone, my boyfriend is sending her a certified letter to at least start a paper trail with our request for a no contact. It’s at least something I haven’t tried. But knowing abusers, and specifically her, I’m worried about retaliation. She knows my boyfriend’s address but he is going to set up a more secure camera system on the outside instead of just the ring doorbells.
It’s just absurd I still have to deal with this on top of everything else- and she isn’t even related to me and never considered me a friend. She is just set out to hurt me. Even more than she already has. For no reason.

Lastly, my advocate helped me push past some barrier at the state level to talk about the stuff that has been happening from the previous agency (the barrier being the state representative just brushed me off when I asked for a meeting. But when my advocate asked for a meeting it was met with more seriousness- it is so annoying as a “mental health patient” to always be the one ignored- I have more training than most of the people helping me, and I have lived experiences. No matter what-we all should be heard! Not brushed off when we report serious problems and concerns).

I did paint this really pretty pictures at the art center I go to. Im still feeling really good about going there when I can. It helps me get out of my head and connect with others. 💞
Thank you for listening and supporting 💞💞

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

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Recently diagnosed with C-PTSD

I’ve been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD. I have emotional flashbacks, anxiety, depression, visual flashbacks at any kind of medical appointment or in situations that mimic (hair dresser, massage appointment, etc.), passive suicidal ideation and dissociation.

I never realized any of this before because of constant dissociation (derealization). I had everything so locked down and frozen inside which must have been my main coping mechanism as a child. Symptoms I couldn’t explain were what took me to therapy. It took me and my therapist and 3 years to even recognize that dissociation was there since it was so pervasive, like finding a trap door at the bottom of my brain.

Since finding and opening that trap door, it’s been so hard. Panic attacks, passive suicidal ideation. The memories that were still images are starting to come back and it’s overwhelming. I have a stellar support team. I’m thinking it’s so intense now because I’m pursing healing. Trying to stay hopeful but it’s hard not to despair. I would appreciate any encouragement. #dissociationdisorders #c-PTSD #eatingdisorder #anxiety #depression #PTSD #SuicidalIdeation

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Recently diagnosed with C-PTSD

I’ve been recently diagnosed with C-PTSD. I have emotional flashbacks, anxiety, depression, visual flashbacks at any kind of medical appointment or in situations that mimic (hair dresser, massage appointment, etc.), passive suicidal ideation and dissociation.

I never realized any of this before because of constant dissociation (derealization). I had everything so locked down and frozen inside which must have been my main coping mechanism as a child. Symptoms I couldn’t explain were what took me to therapy. It took me and my therapist and 3 years to even recognize that dissociation was there since it was so pervasive, like finding a trap door at the bottom of my brain.

Since finding and opening that trap door, it’s been so hard. Panic attacks, passive suicidal ideation. The memories that were still images are starting to come back and it’s overwhelming. I have a stellar support team. I’m thinking it’s so intense now because I’m pursing healing. Trying to stay hopeful but it’s hard not to despair. I would appreciate any encouragement. #dissociationdisorders #c-PTSD #eatingdisorder #anxiety #depression #PTSD #SuicidalIdeation

21 reactions 5 comments
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Help and advice please on getting back out the door to go to work.

Hi guys. I really need some help and advice. I have suffered anxiety and panic disorder plus depression for 26 years. I have always worked to keep myself in a routine. Over the past 2 months when I get up of a morning I start to have panic attacks about going to work. As hard as I try I cant seem to leave the house. My work is only around the corner plus it's a lovely job that I have done for over 10 years. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Lots of love ❤️

35 reactions 14 comments