Panic Attacks

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Clinical depression, OCD, panic attacks, bipolar, borderline personality.

Can't help wondering if bipolar and BPD isn't nature consequence of 1st 3. Then I have multiple rapes and sexual assaults. Sometimes hanging by a thread, Sometimes in rabbit hole. I think my mind protects me: at its worse, I hallucinate, dissociate. Adult children think I'm just lazy. They don't believe in depression, etc. This hurts more than the mental illness.

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A History for Comparison

I am 66 this year & have had (obvious but undiagnosed) POTS since my earliest years. It has gone through 3 major stages.

As a young child it mainly showed only as an inability to run & keep up with the neighborhood kids. We'd run until everyone was winded, but in a minute everyone else would be gone. I'd be left by myself as they would run off as I could not catch up.

It was probably during this phase or nearly the next one when the gastroparesis began to be noticeable. I often complained about my stomach, was seldom hungry. From my parents point of view I was simply seen as a fussy eater. I didn't really have the vocabulary to explain properly, but do recall telling my mother that my "stomach has gone on strike".

The next phase saw the symptoms multiply as I entered my early teen years. Blacking out as I got up from sitting became the most prevalent symptom but was joined by such things as difficulty climbing stairs, lifting heavy objects or standing for extended periods. Running continued to be a problem. I never finished a 600 yd. dash in school in my life...I always came limping in at the end with the heavier and asthmatic kids.

During this period I was taken to numerous doctors. Opinions ranged from "we don't have a clue" to "it's all in your head". There was, however, one doctor's assistant who did an impromptu test for POH (Postural Orthostatic Hypotension) which proved inconclusive & was never pursued.

Oddly, I took up hiking, simply because I enjoyed the trips. Physically, they made me feel horrid, like one long stair climb. I moved very slowly & took long rests. Definitely never did group hikes! But I just liked to be outdoors so much. My heart always acted very badly the day after a hike.

Now I am in a 3rd, highly disabling stage. I doubt it is caused by the POTS itself but probably an interaction between the ailment & another hidden illness (I avoid doctors these days...very long story). I have been gradually getting worse for about 8 years. I used to do nearly ALL the work in the household but now I do practically none. I do whatever small chores I can to be helpful to my wife as she cooks (used to be my job). I remember when I could only pick up a half-gallon jug...then a quart, then finally I cannot get a light plastic cup of drink for myself. My wife must pour it & put it on my stomach. Then I need to use extraordinary means to get it to my lips without actually picking it up.

Lastly I will just say that I am extraordinarily intuitive. I didn't know what POTS was until last August...I read an article (possibly on this site) and said "Hey! That's ME!!". But a year or so before that I began to notice that most of my issues (anxiety, panic attacks, migraine-like headaches, my heart not being able to catch-up, etc...) all seemed to be originating from the same area of my brain. Which I now can label as the area which contains the functions known as the autonomic nervous system.

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What considerations do you make for your health when you’re leaving the house?

Leaving the house can be a daunting task on its own. Add a health condition (or several!) to the mix, and getting out the door can feel nearly impossible. Are there any medications you need to bring with you? What happens if the atmosphere in a store triggers a migraine or panic attack? Do you have a medical ID or insurance card that needs to go in your wallet? Does your phone have enough battery if you’re stuck in the waiting room for hours?

Whether it’s for an appointment, bloodwork, group therapy session, groceries, just for fun, etc., we all have to leave our homes at some point or another — and accommodate our physical and mental health conditions and/or those of our loved ones when we do so.

Are there any health-specific preparations you have to make before leaving the house? Do you have any tips for going out into the world while living with health conditions?

Share your thoughts in the comments!

#MightyMinute #SpoonieLifeHacks #CheckInWithMe #Disability #ChronicIllness #RareDisease #Migraine #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Cancer #MentalHealth #Parenting #Caregiving #POTS #BipolarDisorder #CerebralPalsy

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Rehab is around the corner #Addiction #BPD #Depression #Cancer #Migraine #Isolation

It have been working with my local drug service provider since last September, with the intention of getting the funding to go to residential rehabilitation for my 33 year long addiction to cocaine, and alcohol, which accompanies my drug use.

I received the funding a couple of months ago and am due to go to rehab early next month for six months. This seems like a long time, but 33 years of addiction is also an extremely long time, so I have been told that I will need the full package of care, in order to address my life long addiction issues.

I have managed to tell the majority of my friends and family about what is happening, and they have all been incredibly proud and supportive of what I'm doing.

My daughter was the catalyst for me seeking help in the first place, because my drug use was affecting her mental health adversely, and she had started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my continued using.

I am 100% committed to my recovery, and I will do everything and anything I can to ensure I am successful. The cost of the rehab, which is payed for by taxpayers contributions is not something I take lightly. I respect the fact that people have worked hard to allow me this opportunity, and if I wasn't ready for it, or had doubts that I might fail, I would continue working with the drug service until I felt ready to deal with rehab.

I feel extremely grateful, and lucky that I have been offered this opportunity. I realise that there are many people who may have applied for funding to go to residential rehab, but been turned down.

I am fortunate that this was never a question for my particular case, because my addiction, and dual diagnosis of depression and bpd, combined with a past involving sexual abuse, rape, incest, childhood abandonment and a childhood environment in which I was never validated or praised for any of my achievements, are all mitigating factors that led me to seeking drugs as a way of self medicating in order to suppress these painful emotions.

I'm going to a rehab which specialises in focusing on trauma as it's main approach to dealing with addiction. I specifically asked not to go somewhere that uses the 12 step recovery model, because I have been to CA and AA meetings many times before, and never found them that helpful.

So I'm hopeful that this approach will help me to work through my past trauma, connect with the feelings and emotions that I have buried deep inside, and understand myself and the reasons why I have lived my life with an addiction for all of these years.

My drug counsellor told me something that was a bit of an epiphany last week. She said that it's great that I have all the logical and intellectual ability to understand myself and the reasons for my addiction, but I need to go and do the work to connect the emotional aspect of this to the equation. Something that hadn't occurred to me before. It makes perfect sense, and is clearly why I have remained stuck for so long.

I hope to be able to write about my journey during rehab. So please connect with me, as I share my experiences going forward.

Thanks 👍

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My PTSD story.

The symptoms I experienced along my 50 year PTSD journey (so far):

- Childhood bed wetting

- Heart palpitations and arrhythmia

- Constant anxiety and fear

- Inability to connect

- Visual flashbacks (3 distinct images)

- Panic attacks

- Dizzyness and fainting spells

- Vision migraines

- Light sensitivity

- Sound sensitivity

- Emotional dis-regulation

- Dissociation

- Sleep paralysis

- Sleep walking

- Nightmares and violent dreams

- Night terrors and animated sleep

- Obstructive sleep apnea (10 years)

- Vagal freezes/shutdowns while driving

- Nighttime body spasms

- 10 to 30 daily neurogenic tremors - Been shaking for 18 months now...

- Leg Length Discrepancy and right hip pain caused by Psoas constriction

- Chronic upper back and neck pain due to Leg Length Discrepancy

- Temporary loss of function in right arm

- Every IBS symptom in the book

- A sudden loss of 25KG (55lb) over 3 months

- Sudden hair loss

- A loss of confidence in my ability to perform simple tasks

When you write it all down it looks pretty obvious right?

But when it's all you have ever known then you adapt and get on with life... Until your body decides it has had enough of compensating.

Just posting this in the hope it helps someone else identify this insidious condition.#PTSD

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Why does my mom treat me like garbage

I don’t know why my mom hates me so much. I’ve done nothing to her. I’ve finished raising my brother who has asd when he was sixteen and when I was eighteen when she decided to move out with her boyfriend and live 2 hours away. I was forced to sign a contract because her boyfriend got the money to buy me a car because I had an accident and I’m grateful for that but he demanded to know my pay schedule from work I didn’t want him to know my payment schedule I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to either of them. I get paid an extra week in August and I didn’t want to pay my moms boyfriend three times in one month I wanted that extra paycheck to put away because in the contract I’m also being forced to save a thousand dollars in eight months. I can’t reason with either one of them. They’re both narcissistic and I knew if I brought it up they would demand that I pay them three times a month. I had a panic attack and my mom told me to stop acting like a baby because I’m almost twenty six. I don’t understand why she hates me I haven’t done anything wrong I just don’t know why she treats her daughter like this

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Something unfortunately has changed for me, I can't figure out what.
Everything was fine until I was home for a week when my mother started apologizing for various things that traumatized me when I was a child. Now it seems that my dad it’s following the same path that my mum used to treat me in the past and it’s just sad

This week, out of five days of work, I haven't slept more than two hours a night, barely even that.

I'm fed up!
Besides having this wretched ulcer on my right leg and my life being a misery for the past two years, this is something that is hopefully going to heal. I’m tired of the daily pain, even with pain medication, it's the same pain, just reduced by about 2... if the pain is at a 9 now, after taking the medication it's at a 7, but let's say I've gotten used to it.
The medical system in the UK is miserable, all compassion for NHS staff but still it’s a joke, I've been waiting for a dermatology appointment for almost two years, now they say there are still 20 weeks left or maybe more, nobody knows anything.
But let's say that's not the problem, maybe it is a problem because I'm just fed up.

I think I broke my soul again and my brain again, I have anxiety attacks again and panic attacks, I'm stressed, I think.
I don't know what to do, I think I'm on the edge of doing something stupid and creepy, I don't know, maybe I'm just tired and I don’t want to keep fighting.
But I’m afraid of myself, I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts, that’s a sure thing.

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Needing to find the strength to stay here

Wish i could end this , the sadness , loneliness and deep emptiness i feel some days and the flashbacks, voices and panic attacks on other days. It gets harder to get up and carry on day after day. My son is going on holiday. Maybe now would be a good time. Then he wouldn't be the one to find me so i would spare him that. I have a plan. I know exactly how to do it. It would be easy - But I just sit here crying - I am remembering when i fell a few weeks ago, hit my head really bad and bleeding all over the pavement, i lay their looking at my youngest daughters face. The scared worried look, her eyes, staring at me filling with tears but trying hard to not let it show. How can i sit here contemplating death by my own hand. So selfish to think that, to put my children and grandchildren through that. I don't really remember my grandad i was too young when he took his own life, he lost his battle to live. I wish i could talk to to him, to ask him does he look down on his family and regret what he did . Maybe he doesn't see us, maybe he is in hell. I don't want to go there i don't want to suffer after death as well.
#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts

150 reactions 19 comments