Panic Attacks

Just Venting On Mighty One of my Online Journals

Just Venting These Thoughts On My Mind

Just Because I Look "Functional" Which I Intentionally Want To Look Functional

Since Looking Dysfunctional Draws Attention and With My Condition I Don't Really Like Attention

Or Being Targeted Individually.

Especially Bad Attention.

Like in School Since School you have to go everyday

And those people see you everyday for atleast a Whole School Year.

Which Eventually I got Bulled Verbally and Mentally

Because Of My Differences and stuff.

And I couldn't Blend in like that

Because I was poor Wearing Shaqs Shoes. Getting ridiculed by people in my community.

Grown Adults was Joking on my Shoes. In 2006

Wearing K Mart Clothes when K Mart Existed When living at my Grandma house during my middle school years.

Wearing clothes my classmates Didn't Think was Cool

Because I didn't have The money for the Stuff.

This Was the 2000s Everyone in My Community was Wearing Baggy Clothes

With Jordans, Air Force Ones, And Air Max.

So Even Though I Liked Fitted Clothes.

I didn't like the Very Baggy Urban Clothes Of The Time in the 2000s

But you had to wear it to avoid getting picked on.

But Not The Ones My Grandmother Gave me.

Was Looking Like Steve Urkel.

Had Tight Pants which wasn't cool in 2005-2006-2007

So I Got bullied not because of my anxiety and social awkwardness

And my intense anxiety I felt

And was forced to go to school everyday.

So I had bad memories from that

So I intentionally try to atleast look functioning Normal individual.

So I intentionally Try To Look Functional And Stuff

I Cut my own hair since I can't go to Barber Shops it's crowded

Haven't been to a Barbershop since 2012.

Used to go with My Brother. Which he Helped me cope with Crowded Barbershops on Saturdays.

I Want To Blend in With everyone Else

I want to Look Normal.

So I Don't Draw Attention if I have a panic attack in public.

Just I Do It So Well With Me Smiling That some people don't even think

I Have Anxiety.

Which Is a good thing I don't want to draw attention

But what i don't like is people Think my anxiety is not that bad

Which It Is Intense as I'm the Person that Experiences the Feeling.

Just Don't Like When people say my anxiety is not bad when I feel how bad it is.

If It Wasn't that bad why I Struggle Leaving my House.

Why I only leave my house Single times a month.

Why I have a fight flight response just going to my Own mailbox.

Why I have difficulty Keeping friends never had friends throughout my life.

Why I only dated one woman.

Relationships hard to start because of my Anxiety in General Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia panic attacks and such.

And of Course this causes Me to feel Depressed alot.

I take medicine for My Depression

Which helps a Tiny little.

But 99% of the Time I feel anxious

Only time I feel Relieved Temporarily

Is When I Work Out.

Or If I Have Sex Within A Intimate Relationship. which is Very rare

Because I be anxious during Sex With Random People.

But If I had a intimate partner that cares about me.

That Temporarily relieves my anxiety.

Just Working Out And Sex temporarily relieves my anxiety. Atleast just For a Hour at most.

Since I Can't even leave my house To make Friends and Intimate Partners.

Just Don't Like When People Say my Anxiety is not that bad

When they are not in my body.

Even Some people in the mental health field says that.

I don't think they mean no harm.

I think they trying to make me feel better.

And say My anxiety is not As Severe as Another person.

I guess they say that To make me feel like I can get better

Which I struggle to feel that I would get better a lot of days honestly.

But it's kinda Toxic Positivity When I hear that.

Because I feel like they don't fully understand how I'm feeling

And because I look Functional at least appearance wise

And look healthy which I intentionally Try to do

So I don't draw negative attention and being Stigmatized in this society

When I have a panic attack in public

Trust me I am just as anxious as the person you said was more worse than me.

I just try to get better and look at least functional.

But doesn't mean I don't Feel anxiety and a lot of panic attacks.

I Still feel that way.

I don't even leave my house. Unless it's food or bills or Mail or appointments.

And that be Stressful if they were in my body.

Just Anxiety I feel leaving my house.

Had to go To Appointment today.

Was so anxious. It was a physical appointment to get my blood drawn.

So I didn't have no choice but to go.

Which I felt so exhausted.

Went early in the morning which is little to no people.

But still had anxiety because It still was crowded.

Had to pace outside the clinic until my appointment started.

Because I couldn't handle the waiting room.

Just was exhausting but feel a little good because I was able to go occasionally for medical checkups every couple of months.

Just can't go everyday or consistently like some people.

Just venting and Trying to get people to understand my position.

Was so anxious.

But I'm back home typing this and breathing slowly.

To relax my anxiety.

Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence

These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today

Just I'm feeling it very hard today

Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today

Was that anxious

Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands

I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.

When in reality they never had Agoraphobia

Because at the End of the day

I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5

Is getting a little better

But still have the condition

Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house

With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long

But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms

I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.

But can't do it everyday it's occasional

Maybe once or twice a month

Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.

Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself

The feelings are overwhelming

And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.

Dizziness headaches heart aches

It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.

Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.

Which I been doing every month if I could.

But I feel so sick.

Just I tried several jobs over the years.

From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks

Dropping money and patties.

Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.

Had a panic attack

Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories

Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.

Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.

And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.

That spilled on the floor.

And lifting that repeatedly with and without help

This very different than weight training

That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour

This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+

And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.

And you doing it at a fast rate.

Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.

Since some people shoulders gave out

And mines didn't. Thankfully

Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.

Everytime I came home.

Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.

Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.

Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.

I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.

Public jobs that I can think of.

But nobody understands or sees that.

Only IRS knows that.

Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.

Which I loved Paying Taxes.

Since I was working

But couldn't handle the Jobs.

Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and anxiety in general and panic attacks daily

Is very real condition.

But Ableism exists.

So they say Ableist Statements

Saying anxiety is not a real disability

And saying tough through it

Or MAN UP.

Which Nobody Understands My Situation.

Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.

Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.

Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖

Fresh out of High School.

Which she never said.

Since She Got pregnant with me.

By the time she was going to start Basic Training

And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training

Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.

When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011

I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.

Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden

On People and this Capitalist System.

Just I Deal With Unemployment.

And if you Judge me by me typing this.

You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place

But people don't understand

It's Very hard to keep a job

I do want to work a job or something

But Main Thing I have a conditions

I had for years.

This just didn't come up when I was grown

I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.

Been feeling ideations since I was 15.

Had To go to the hospital for the first time.

Of trying to Cope with the issues.

Didn't know it was a mental health condition.

Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.

Been a ongoing problem

Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.

Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.

I have difficulty due to my condition

I did try in public places.

I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.

Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.

Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.

Because they want you to still talk on the phone

And type stuff and stay on the computer..

Which I don't even due in my personal life.

Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.

Since I still have to interact with people.

Just it's Interreacting with people in general

That gets me very bad anxiety.

And Working at Home means you Are Independent.

You still work under someone else.

It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.

I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.

So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.

People act like these companies really care about my well being

When they give accommodations

Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee

Which I understand.

Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition

and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.

Just Even if I could do a job for one day.

That's not substantial to survive.

And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision

And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.

But The Way Society is.

Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.

Just Someone like me can't compete with someone

That doesn't have my issues.

At job positions.

Just Life.

It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.

Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...

But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.

Doesn't make sense to Start a job that I'm going to have a physical anxiety and panic attacks daily

And eventually quit.

Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial

Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.

I'm trying just.

I can't survive off that condition.

Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.

I didn't ask for.

I feel anxious texting people.

And people don't understand.

I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.

Since I don't leave my house.

And Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder and stuff.

It's a Double edged sword.

Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often

And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.

But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader

So I try to balance it.

But even going online is very anxious provoking.

I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.

And have flashbacks as well

And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011

And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.

Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.

The ones I lived with growing up.

Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.

Just my life sucks.

I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated

Or whatever you call it.

Just society doesn't understand.

Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.

It's seems like it's not profitable.

Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.

Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.

I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers

Which I understand.

Since profit is the driver or capitalism.

The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.

I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.

Maybe for one day but after that

I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi

No matter the diagnosis, balancing side effects against the effectiveness of a medication itself can be an incredibly difficult and personal journey. Of the side effects you’ve experienced while taking medication, which has been the most difficult (or impossible) to manage?

Share your experiences with the anxiety community in the comments below. ⬇️

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe