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What control is to me

My dad lived with chronic/acute pain most of his adult life. It began in the 1970’s, and escalated drastically over the rest of his life. His pain was in the form of peripheral neuropathy and was diagnosed by the VA but denied responsibility by the VA. The PN was a gift curtesy of our US government, via Agent Orange. My dad was not the only soldier who came into contact with AO. My dad’s wasn’t even a full measure of exposure. It was somewhat diluted. A river of runoff from washing out an airplane ran over his boots as he worked. The corrosive AO gifting him and countless others with lifelong neurological problems that would never get treated.
Here’s where I get my example of control. In 2010 I moved in with my dad and we lived as house mates until 2019. I co-cared for him after I moved out but do to my own health issues I no longer was strong enough to care for him full time as before. During our nine years living together I witnessed his pain and watched him cry, struggle to keep himself calm, always he managed to be a happy person around others. Joking, laughing, talking. All while half crazy from the pain that was minimally controlled by prescription opioids, narcotics, and mood stabilizers. He was sleep deprived and by the last couple years of his life he developed a form of neurological dementia that ultimately took his life October 10, 2021. But even up to his very last day he prayed, he smiled at those who came to see him, and he kept control of his behavior.
#strong #Brave #chronicacutepain #againstallodds


Do you ever feel alienated due to your mental health? #againstallodds

I am often surrounded by others who constantly complain about their life, their job, the world. Having been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder, (with suicidal ideations) anxiety, PTSD and BPD, along with being a suicide survivor, I've tried my best (and still do) to figure out how(and why) is I'm still here. It's so hard to have all of these negative voices in my ears. I have a gratitude journal and try to find something to be thankful for every day. Sometimes I just want to scream, "STOP!!!" but instead shut completely down and begin to isolate. And they wonder why...