#Survivor #BipolarDisorder #acuteanxiety #ChronicPain #CPTSD #Osteoarthritis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I’m in a FUNK... You know what I’m talking about...I know what needs to be done, but I have no UMPF to do it..I feel helpless and hopeless at the moment.. A year ago at this time I had just had surgery for a badly torn rotator cuff.. I’ve been with my Orthopedist since he started practicing..We’ve been through a lot in the past 15 years!I NEVER cease to amaze him in any and all aspects of whatever reason is bringing me to him other than my 4x yearly Cortisone shot and unfortunately I fractured my knee about a month ago, and I’m in a fully extended stabilizing brace..I wasn’t diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until I was 26, (I’m 55) but I KNOW as does my family(and friends) that I had symptoms straight outta the womb! I was put on Ritalin (the go to drug of the 60’s) at age 5, and stayed on it until my 6th grade teacher told my Mom I wasn’t me.. I wasn’t the spunky Josslyne she knew.(my parents taught Music in the same distract I went to school in) So, at my teachers request, my Mom, had my Dr decrease then eventually take me off it. I am always High or Low I never have an in between and I’m still not sure I’d know an in between if it face palmed me! 🤦🏻‍♀️So, yea, I’ve dealt with this my entire life..I started having panic attacks in my early 20’s.. Now,fast forward to 5 years ago, they became SO bad I can’t drive anymore.. Just sitting behind the wheel gives me a panic attack.. I also started having severe pain in my lower-mid back area.. I had a prominent “Head Tilt” to my right because holding my head in alignment was pure torture, I weighed 246lbs and I suddenly realized I was basically almost completely alone, and my family was 900 miles away!! I decided to hire a part-time Caregiver/Companion.. I went through a series of Caregivers that did things I thought I’d only seen done in movies!! (Another story for another time) I started with a pain management Dr who did an MRI:Herniated,Bulging Discs, Spondylitis, Bone Spurs, my spine was Straight, no curvatures and my ASS hurt! The Pain kept getting worse. I was put on Oxycodone Fentanyl patch Soma Valium & recently MMJ, which has really helped me get some sleep at night. Now, the worst pain is located in my Buttocks! Yesssss I’m LITERALLY A PAIN IN THE ASS! You may laugh, because having a healthy dose of Sarcasm always Helps!! Could it BE any better than that? Good Grief. But you know, that’s just it, it’s painful, I can’t sit,I can’t stand,the pain won’t end. My family isn’t here day to day they see me once a year for 1 day.. Unfortunately because I have 1 good day with them they think that most of my days are like that, when really those days are few and far between. Pain meds are just 1 category of pills 💊 I take, I feel like I should rattle when I walk I take so many.. Life isn’t supposed to be this HARD...🦋 Thanks for listening 👂