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Why I No Longer Listen to 'Never' Statements After My Diagnosis

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My rare disease, which causes blood clots to form, has created a situation where I cannot get a lot of things done that I need to get done.

I can’t get any kind of body manipulation (chiropractic, massage, cupping, etc).

I can’t eat one of my favorite things: spinach and kale.

I can’t see my wife as I used to, since I only have about 25-30% of my vision left. But I’m learning to cope with the vision loss.

And then there’s the medicine I take.

This bottle has such a weight to it, in many ways.

picture of a medicine bottle

Without these pills, I could die at any moment for a number of reasons: stroke, heart attack, pulmonary embolism, kidney failure and liver failure.

All these things are caused by a clotting factor that causes “sticky blood.”

However, these pills give me a Today. And hopefully a tomorrow. And many years with my wonderful wife. They carry a burdensome weight, but they give me the ability to live.

It’s so easy to look at what doctors said I would never do again and let that dictate my life.

And I did for a minute. I let those things make me. Identify me.

“You’ll never walk unassisted again.” 

“You’ll never be able to have kids of your own.”

“You’ll never be pain-free again.”

“You’ll never….” It was an exhausting list of stated and unstated “nevers,” that I refuse to let own me.

It’s been two months without my cane.

Two months since I did something they never said I’d be able to do.

Two months since I regained something I thought I’d lost.

Faith. And the ability to walk unassisted.

But I cannot deny faith. I cannot deny a higher power of some kind. I cannot deny miracles.

Because this was a miracle.

Yes, I still have fear.

Faith doesn’t take away fear, but it can sit with it. It can comfort it.

Faith can make fear not so deafening. Faith gives you hope.

Originally published: August 25, 2018
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