On Those Nights I Felt Numb With Depression and Anxiety

I remember those nights when I felt possessed. I remember that night when I was completely numb, and I couldn’t feel anything. All I wanted was to feel something, anything. I was sitting down staring blankly at the wall, and all I wanted was to be dead.

I remember that horrific mental breakdown. Tears streaming down my face. Blood running down my leg. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Negative thoughts pouring in. My anxiety kicking in on full gear.

I remember.

On those nights, I felt dead. I would just lie there and cry myself to sleep because life was just too out of hand.

I remember.

I let my anxiety and depression win on those nights. I felt empty. Why? How could I let that happen? I’ve been through enough trauma, and my anxiety is just creating more.

I will never forget those nights when I stayed up thinking about ways to die and how I couldn’t go on. I won’t forget how I acted and felt like a zombie because I felt so out of place and numb. Yet, those nights made me stronger.

I will never allow my mind to control me the way it did. I will not let my thoughts destroy and suffocate me anymore. I will not be that girl anymore, nor will I let anyone bring me to the ground. I freed myself from my old habits.

Even though I’m still learning ways to cope with my anxiety, the only thing that matters is that I’m OK. I don’t think a person could ever forget something like this. There are times when I wish I could not remember it, but I do.

To those nights when I cried myself to sleep, questioning my worth and harming myself, thank you for making me the person I am today. Because of those nights I am in full control and stronger.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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