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How My Anxious Mind Works

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I fear confrontation.

Confrontations give me this overwhelming feeling a huge wave is about to fall on me and I must truly stay quiet. Ever since I was a child, I had problems expressing my discomfort. I always felt people would be so hard on me that I wouldn’t have the strength to keep going. And now in my 30s, I can’t still get over that. When someone needs to clarify something with me, even if it’s a tiny thing, my hands won’t stop shaking and my heart will feel like a hammer. My terrified eyes will betray me all the time and I will feel so disoriented that the guilt for acting poorly won’t leave me alone.

I’m terrified all the time.

“Terrified” is the right word and so is the phrase “all the time.” I am not overreacting, I am always living in terror. If a tiny thing happens, my mind will carefully lead it to become an imminent catastrophe and my mind won’t let me live in peace until I “solve” the problem. I spend my life trying to solve problems I don’t know how to solve. This never stops since a thousand things happen every day and an anxious mind doesn’t need anything special to create a nightmare. I always live as if the worst danger were out of my house and I have no idea how to face it. I am always thinking about it as if a monster is waiting for me. When you have anxiety, you feel like there’s someone chasing you all the time. You just want to hide, but you never find a place.

I fear I will never have the life I want.

I see myself with a family in the future, but how am I supposed to face these challenges and the ones to come if I can’t face them now when I am single? How am I supposed to make a child feel safe and a husband happy if I am always shaking inside?

It’s discouraging. I feel disappointed, resigned, angry, sad and like I’ll never win. I haven’t learned to live with this and even though I try every day, there’s something inside me that whispers “You will never make it.” I try to understand this is part of  anxiety, but I can’t help believing it.

I sometimes feel like a leaf in the wind who goes whatever direction the current takes me, with no power. I’m tired of crying, tired of being terrified and tired of carrying these voices to wherever I go. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain and the voices and the terror and feel free for once in my life. But I have to keep fighting. I have to stay grateful for being on the road, able to see sunsets, have books and have friends who are going through the same. Their bravery gives me the power to continue, even if anxiety tries to proclaim itself the winner.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via Berdsigns.

Originally published: March 3, 2017
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