You're Not Alone If You Freak Out When You're in a Healthy Relationship

I was freaking out over a conversation when my wife looked deep into my eyes and told me, “Hey, I understand you’ve been through a lot, and the impact of the toxic, abusive experiences you’ve had is real, but I am your best friend, and I am going to be your wife. How long am I going to have to pay for what they did to you? How long am I going to have to interact with their voices? I want a relationship with you, not them, because I love you and what you and I have can be good and healthy.” At that moment, I realized I was terrified because when all we know are unhealthy, toxic and abusive dynamics, being in a new relationship can be scary, even if it’s a good one.

I felt like I was in an unfamiliar world where everything was new. I entered knowing one thing based on my previous experience — all relationships hurt, no relationship is healthy and I will not allow myself to get hurt again. There was a constant fight or flight response just beneath my breath, ready to activate at any moment when needed. It was hard to feel safe and settled. I didn’t know how to lean in, let go and start new. Instead, I scouted the environment and relationship, gathered data, stored it and compared it to the relationships with unhealthy, toxic and abusive dynamics while also letting love in.

The first year of our relationship was an adjustment period for me to sort through and untether from all the baggage I carried into the relationship. It was like the baggage was the only familiar thing to me in the world of a scary, new adventure of a healthy relationship. During the adjustment period, I found myself freaking out a lot, actually. These freak outs were whole body and environment experiences due to that fight and flight response activated by my baggage “safety blanket” interacting with the newness of the relationship.

At first, I found adjusting to being in a healthy relationship challenging. Helpful strategies included building communication and trust in the relationship; continuing to work on healing from my past trauma, including the toxic and abusive relationships that have been a part of my life and that I am still dealing with the impact; and continuing to work on the relationship I have with myself. Therapy has also helped me learn how to navigate my communication and interactions in a healthy way when I am triggered, overloaded or anxious, as well as which communication and interaction methods are more helpful.

My partner and I spend a lot of time communicating in our relationship in many different ways. This helped with expressing boundaries, discovering triggers and when our triggers collide, and checking in on how things are going, especially when navigating challenges individually or together. Over time all the communication helped build more trust. This helped my walls start to come down the more safe and comfortable I felt. By doing this, I could openly share what is happening for me and let my partner in.

Additionally, my partner supports me with grounding in the present by asking questions when I am triggered and responding to her in a way where she knows I am not here at that moment. Questions such as whose voice is talking to you right now? Who are you responding to right now? What is happening for you right now?

I am thankful and happy to be in a healthy relationship with my partner. It’s been one of the best and most extraordinary adventures of my life, full of learning experiences, healing and love. On occasion, I still find myself in a freakout internally. This usually happens when something new in the relationship pops up, a challenging conversation or when something triggers me and I am back in the past toxic and abusive relationship. It’s helpful for me in those moments to remember being in a new relationship can be scary, even if it is healthy. I try to remember I’m not alone when I still have my freak outs. And when they occur, I try to breathe, take it one step at a time, ground myself in the here and now, acknowledge what is happening emotionally at that moment and know that I got this and this freakout I am having right now will pass.