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Autistic & Emotional #Autism #AutismUncensored #Depression #autismatwork #Anxiety
Today is one of the worst days I’ve had in a while, and I don’t fully understand why. For anyone who thinks ASD persons don’t show emotion—I’ve been crying in my car for 30 mins.
I returned to work this week after a six-week medical leave for a back injury. Within the first day I had my usual responsibilities augmented by 30% or more, and more was piled on throughout the week.
I usually handle work stress okay, thanks to having a great boss and depression & anti-anxiety medication, but yesterday I felt like I hit a wall.
I couldn’t verbalize what was wrong to my boss or my husband, and didn’t know at the time that I was struggling to be verbal at all.
For the past 24 hours I’ve thought frantically of how I’m supposed to explain to my boss why this week was problematic (she knows I have ASD but doesn’t know enough about it to see when it’s affecting me).
I was handed a project yesterday that had to be completed today, and the information was incredibly fragmented and disorganized.
I often get feedback about my perfectionism slowing me down, but I couldn’t even take in and synthesize this info until I got it partially sorted.
It culminated today when I had to move a doctor appointment up to 8:30 this morning, and had to follow a to-the-minute schedule to get the critical tasks done.
My boss is remote and can’t help, and was feeling poorly herself today.
I got done just in time, and got in my car and just started weeping. I can’t seem to stop, and I don’t know why I’m this emotional, or why yesterday and today were so hard.
I know my boss thrives a bit on chaos, and that I’m the opposite. But why couldn’t I seem to effectively communicate that what they wanted wasn’t a reasonable expectation? High performance is expected here, and I usually over-achieve, but I couldn’t seem to get through to anyone that it’s not reasonable for one person to communicate with 40 people in 2 hours, sort, allocate, tag, pack, drive, and ship that many items in the same time frame. And after a back injury I’m not even supposed to lift above ten pounds, but I couldn’t seem to explain that forty items was more than I could safely move by myself in such a short time.
I’m pretty frustrated right now, and not sure what to do.
I think I’m realizing the extent to which neurotypical people can’t understand. The things they can do without thinking, and not worry about, are cast compared to someone on the spectrum like me.
I’m so, so tired.
