Asperger's

hello. i am new on this forum.
i got diagnosed with aspergers last year - november 2024. (yes it is still an official diagnosis where i live)
I am 35 years old. I live in Austria (Europe). I did not know i was autistic or what autism is until shortly before i got diagnosed. I only knew there was something deeply wrong with me because people always told me so. Where I live people like me are not allowed to exist.
Because there was something deeply wrong with me i never had friends. I also was never good enough to get a job or make money. i had to quit school. normal everyday life of normal people is a physical torture to me. I was hit by a car 2 years ago and now i have trouble walking and i am worth even less. The only way i manage to survive is people pleasing and masking. Through this i managed to get a spouse and i am now something like their pet. They pay for my food and other necessities. I also worked hard to keep up relations with my mother so i have a backup plan. Though through my mother i would not have access to medical health care. I managed to survive this way for many many years.
I hate my life though. I have chronic pain. I always have to pretend to be somebody my spouse and my mother would accept enough to not drop me. I always have to do what they want. I never know what will happen next because they make no shedules or plans. I can never talk about what i want or speak my mind or be me. Sometimes it happens and then i get in real trouble. Being threatened with divorce. I can never be me or feel safe except when I'm alone. And even then i never know when someone will come back. I cannot partake in the world. I cannot make my own decisions. I cannot do anything i want except for when i am alone and i cannot talk about what i want or say my mind without having to fear existence threatening consequences. i cannot be me. i've spend the past 7 years hiding at home. i am not a real person.
after getting diagnosed last year i tried to get support only to learn there is no support for autistic adults in my country.
i hate my life. and i feel there is no way out. i want to change my life for the better. but no matter how hard i try nothing changes and i realise there is no hope. because the autism will not go away and because the place i live in has no space for people like me. people like me are not allowed. the only way to survive is to pretend to be normal. and i am sick of it. i dont want to live like this anymore.
i dont know how to do this or what to write. I dont normally socialize
i am here because chat gpt told me i should reach out to other autistic people. he said it would help me improve my quality of life. so here i am

thank you

#MightyTogether #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ADHD #PTSD

Hi, my name is SurroundedByNeurodiv. I'm here because I need support and advice. My father had Aspergers, and I watched my parents both suffer with a very difficult marriage right until the end of their lives. Now I find myself in a similar situation. I am married and we have 5 kids. It was always a bit of an awkward relationship, but I am the kind of person who will give everything (a martyr - not necessarily a good thing) in order to help those around me thrive. And I truly thought that with time, things would improve in our marriage.
All 5 of my kids are wonderful but super hard work. It can be exhausting. But truly, my husband is the most hard work. All our kids have received DX of ADHD and Anxiety Disorders, exactly the same as my husband. One of my sons also has Aspergers. It's mild, but it's still there.
This AuDHD thing really got me thinking differently .... About my son but also about my husband. (In fact about his whole family!) My husband's mental health has always been very bad, and he's gotten a lot of help for it but it's still a huge burden on me. He is emotionally quite unstable. He leans on me a lot. And I cannot reciprocate as he doesn't understand most things and it is exhausting and frustrating trying to explain everything to him, only to have the situation remain the same. So I have learned to keep my emotions and problems to myself, or share with other friends instead of him. I am a strong and patient woman, but it's wearing thing. He has sensed that I am detached, and isn't happy about it.
After seeing the positive effect of medication on our kids, he finally got himself officially diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety too. The doctors were absolutely astounded by him, that he was still walking and talking and yet wasn't medicated, because he so clearly was 'off the charts' for the diagnostic criteria. The medication has helped him some, but not completely. He's had years and years of therapy, but all rather general CBT and certainly none that recognised the neurodivergence. He masks it well. Some other things have been flagged, some narcissistic traits for example, but even I could see that wasn't the full picture. So I've been researching more and more about AuDHD (combo of ASD and ADHD) and wow ...... This is it. I think he is close to being able to see it for himself, he even suggested he do some testing. I don't know what to expect. I mean, of course he will receive a positive score, it's hard to 'unsee' this now. And of course I am hoping that this realisation/diagnosis will bring better self reflection for him and especially for his role as husband and father .... But I am trying to be realistic. Many times I feel I am holding on by a thread lately. And I don't know if or how this can be improved. I'll have a look on here for some groups ...... Feel free to point me in the right direction!

#MightyTogether