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Why I'm No Longer Scared of Having a Manic Episode

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So today I’m about a 4/10 on the ol’ Jordanna Manic Scale. My illness has peaked and I am just waiting for all my medications to take effect for me to come down.

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This has been the absolute best episode of my life. I have had such control and empowerment the entire episode, that the struggles of anxiety were significantly decreased. Usually, when I’m manic, I am incredibly anxious all the time worrying about going more manic, talking to doctors, booking appointments…. doing everything in my manic action plan to stabilize.

But this episode? I controlled it without even calling a doctor at all.

Recently, I talked to my psychiatrist about having a range dose on my antipsychotic medication. So I could take a dose of antipsychotic one night, and then another the next night if I needed it. It has given me this sense of flexibility where I can completely control my symptoms on a biological level. I even talked to my doctor about taking an extra dose in the morning when I’m acutely manic, and he agreed that was safe for my mental health.

This episode I’ve just been very patient, accepting and calm throughout. I’ve actually been thoroughly enjoying my mania for what it is. Mania can truly be beautiful, when you remove anxiety out of the mix. Yes my personality is emphasized, so there are embarrassing moments and things being said that wouldn’t normally be said… but it opens up my mind to this level of creativity that is super difficult to find when I’m stable.

I can write, and write and write. My words just flow on the paper so effortlessly and elegantly; it’s really quite special.

I’m so positive and optimistic during this episode, that it has completely changed my life’s course.

I am no longer scared of going manic.

I am no longer terrified of this illness and how it controls my life.

I am now 100 percent in control, and it feels so freaking good.

It’s all thanks to my partner. Loving him has changed my mental health in such a positive way. He has provided me with such genuine love and support that it has created a mental environment full of such deep reflection, where I was capable of finding this medication regime. I just feel so inspired taking control of my mental health as a whole.

I feel like with this new inspiration that I will become a best selling author someday. I feel like my talent of putting my words on paper will help me achieve wonderful goals in my life.

I can’t wait to get started.

Getty image by Liliia Kyrylenko

Originally published: September 7, 2021
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