Mania

Hi, my name is eighty4. I'm here because I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1

#MightyTogether #ManicEpisodes

Hi, my name is eighty4. I'm here because I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1

#MightyTogether #ManicEpisodes

When I get very manic I often become very anxious. The problem is, I feel like mania can imitate anxiety. People can usually tell I'm manic by the look in my eyes and I can usually tell by my level of anxiety. Recently however things have been pretty confusing. Anyone else experience this?

#Mania #Anxiety

"Lovesong for a Friend"

You gaze at me with those searching and knowing eyes and
I find myself breathless with wonder as you genuinely take
interest in all that I say.
It seems to me we had an instant intergalactic connection
or, was that just mania
deluding me in its rapturous fury?

I am on the verge of a head on collision with ecstasy,
yet stifling each pleasure-sensation
for fear of getting shipwrecked again in hallucinatory mists.

Still, I hang on to your every word
like a tiny bird awaiting a delicious morsel
from its mother’s generously nourishing beak.
I have transformed into a desperate,
hungry and lonely soul -
an empty porcelain tea cup
fragile inside and out
waiting impatiently on the shelf
until you pick me up and place your tender, parched lips across my brim.
Sip, sip away!

Time away from you feels like a vacuous void-
a black cyclonic funnel
which sucks the life out of me each time I realize
that it will be days until our eyes meet once more.
Another chance to ponder your form -
a grand mystery cloaked in layer upon layer
of bulky vestments. Curiosity compels my mind to linger somewhere between your coat, sweater and bare neck.
My imagination is bombarded with old fashioned notions: hand to hand and hand to blushing cheek.
Sweeter still are your calloused hands
inviting me to dance life’s bipolar foxtrot.

Strangers we once were,
lovers we could be with our fate predicted solely by time's breath span and God's watchful eye.
Love’s flight unfettered guides us into a future filled with hypnotic ocean lullabies and endless fragrant meadows.

Each new day transports us into a whirlwind
of frenetic passion, surrounded by bookends of dawn's morning kiss
and the sparkling moon’s afterglow.

Once again with curious expression, your eyes search inside me, seeing and knowing more than anyone has ever dared.

I need you to recognize your natural instinct
to find shelter in my essence,
giving yourself full permission
to come away with me to uncharted territory.
What may feel like a crushing finality
is better defined as a newly awakened beginning.
Another chance for hands to hold
and feet to dance
evermore in step with the melodious pulse
of two souls aligned at last.

But I am swiftly clobbered by doubt and the debilitating reality of my all-consuming fantasy being sentenced as a fiercely forbidden union.
Fears of frightening you away and losing a dear companion silence my enblazened pursuit of all that could never actually be mine.

#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #EatingDisorders

I was hospitalized in early Sept for psychosis (I have Bipolar 1). I missed the first day of school (I am a special ed teacher), but decided to decline a program after dismissal in order to get back to work as soon as possible. I went to work for the five days of the second week of the school year and it put me into a depression. My husband insisted I stop working and get into a program, but that proved difficult to do. I was depressed throughout Sept and started to become manic in Oct. In mid Nov I became psychotic again and went back to the hospital. This time I had a great doctor who completely changed my medicine for the better. I got into a therapy program and followed my doctor’s instructions to not work for four months. My first day back at work is this Monday April 3. It has been a long time! I am trying my hardest to be hopeful that I can do this without becoming overwhelmed. I really don’t want to depression to return because teaching with depression is SO hard…Does anyone have any words of encouragement for me? Maybe a success story about going back to work or regaining something from your old life after mental illness? Thanks.#BipolarDisorder

Hi everyone. I’m experiencing mania and have been struggling with over sharing very personal info (even with people I’ve just met). Now I’m totally embarrassed, and worried that I’ve chased them off by doing this! #Bipolar2Disorder #Hypomania #oversharing

So I know my last post was a bit pessimistic but we all need to vent sometimes. After reading my most previous post, I don't want to judge myself for having a rough time. As a part of DBT therapy it is important to be nonjudgmental. However I am human and I slip up and I think being critical of myself is where the problem lies. As I have said before, I believe this negative internal dialogue comes from my history of trauma and abuse. Now however I have been searching for (and have lost sight of) what I have been searching for. During one of my psychiatrist visits I told him that I felt like the constant changes of #BipolarDisorder were tiring me out. Like there is no middle ground between mood episodes. I've done a lot of reading on Bipolar Disorder that I feel kinda like an expert on the topic. Recently someone had commented about mental and emotional burnout and the fact that my inner child feels overstimulated. I couldn't stop reading this comment because it felt like I was becoming burnt out.

I think it's important to find that middle ground. I was put on Vraylar to try and see if that works. To see if that will give me some rest from the near constant mania and depression. I have a lot of coping strategies but when I feel overwhelmed or attacked even, I shut down. I remember my therapist telling me this is the freeze response. It's like a default. When I was experiencing sexual abuse and sexual assault I froze, only able to speak but not move. I suppose that freezing has become my go to response. Not to mention that having #PTSD doesn't help at all. The emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only makes life harder. I just want to rest and experience emotional stability. Even for a little bit. I know that I can't change what I live with but I can manage my symptoms.

It's just exhausting. Considering that it still irks me that two of the three disorders were caused by the trauma, there's not much I can do besides accept them. Yet I have a long list of things that I have to accept. As far as positives go, I want to get out of this irritated, angry, manic-depressive rut I've been in. So I will try a therapy skill called accumulating positives. Perhaps I should listing them. Sure my mental illnesses make me unique and my history too. Not sure if that's a positive though. Sometimes it seems like all the medications and therapy can't stop my problems but I also know that part of it is on me. So I will try to practice my spirituality, eat healthier, get more sleep and stick to my treatment plan to name a few.

Has anyone been on Vraylar? What has it done for you? How can I accumulate positives without my mental illnesses getting in the way? I also wanted to thank everyone that reads and responds to my posts. I appreciate it and look forwards to reading your comments. So stay strong friends. I believe in you. Stay safe as always.

#abusesurvivor