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My Hopes and Fears as Someone With Bipolar Disorder

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I fear.

I fear what will happen to me if medication is no longer available. I fear the monster inside of me will be unleashed if I ever have to stop taking medication.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

I fear what my meds are doing to me and how they will affect me in the long run.

I fear my daughter will have the same disorder as me and the guilt I’d have of handing it down to her.

I fear having a manic episode while at work and making a fool of myself.

I fear my depression affecting my work life to the point that productivity suffers and I lose my job.

I fear my boss finding out I have bipolar disorder and treating me differently.

I fear I will one day lose the will to fight and all the sorrow I will cause my family and friends by not being here anymore.

I fear having a manic episode and putting my family into debt that will take years to repay.

I fear the destructive force that is locked away inside my brain and the damage it will do if it ever gets out.

I fear making friends, because I know I am not someone others can rely on through thick and thin. There will inevitably be a time when I have to disappear to take care of myself and I don’t want to let people down, so I don’t let people in.

I fear myself, and the damage I can do when I am unstable.


I hope.

I hope my daughter lives a whole and healthy life free of the mental health struggles I face.

I hope I get to live a long, wholesome, healthy life myself.

I hope to someday find a way to have deep friendships again.

I hope I never have to know what it’s like to live without my medications.

I hope this battle gets easier with time, not harder.

I hope I have the strength to go on, now and always.

I hope one day we can all talk freely about mental health without the stigma that’s currently attached to it.

I hope I never give up and end my life.

I hope I am making a positive impact on the people around me and the world I live in. I hope that I bring more help than harm.

I hope to make my loved ones proud. I hope to never embarrass them by my behavior.

I hope to understand myself better each passing year.

I hope to pass on what I have learned to others.

I hope.

Getty image by lekcej

Originally published: January 23, 2020
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