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How I Found Healing After My Civil Divorce Triggered Bipolar Psychosis

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Divorce is such a diverse topic. Some people talk about their “nasty divorce” or their “difficult spouses.” Honestly, my divorce was quite smooth and civil. For the most part, we were cooperative and respectful toward each other. There were never harsh words, fights or battles between us. That being said, it was still extremely difficult. Divorce is never easy.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

In this post, I want to talk about how moving on from divorce leaves scars no matter how civil it may have been. There are many stages after a breakup … and when there are some severe mental health issues in the mix, it can be a complicated healing process.

Over the last couple years post-divorce, I have gone through many stages with my emotional health. Even in the early stages of my new relationship, I had felt severe separation anxiety, pressure to move forward and irrational neglect. Where are these emotions coming from? This isn’t Jordanna? These insecurities weren’t there before? All these red flags, and I still just blamed my environment, social aspects, my “fresh new love”… everything and anything besides my own emotional and mental health scars.

To be clear, none of these emotions are related to my new relationship, they are damaged emotions from my previous one that I ignored and never dealt with in a constructive and healthy way. The excitement and positive emotions I felt with this new love, new life, new Jordanna — they completely muted and overpowered the negative ones. Those unhealthy emotions would just arise when I was feeling weak or mentally unstable. Why then? Where do they come from?

I did not know how to deal with these emotions and process them initially. The first step was to acknowledge there was actually was trauma from the divorce. Even though we were civil, I still was so emotionally hurt and vulnerable, and it lead me to such mental instability I was hospitalized. These traumatic events I blamed mostly on bipolar and the high stress of the situation.

Realistically, they stemmed from the trauma of everything ending. Bipolar or not, trauma is trauma. I needed to acknowledge my emotional and mental health were damaged from the divorce. I needed to learn what the actual core of the damage was from, break everything down and truly understand why I went manic. What pushed me over the edge? How was it so, so, so bad, but still seemed so civil?

The truth is, it was a sense of emotional abandonment from my ex when I was at the weakest point of my life. That’s the reason I left. That’s the reason I went into a psychosis. That’s where the trauma stemmed from. Divulging into this issue helped me understand my emotional insecurities and emotional vulnerabilities with my new life. It has helped me move forward and work on a healthy emotional balance. It has helped me heal and accept my emotional scars from the divorce, and it feels so damn good to move forward.

Unsplash image by Lili Kovac

Originally published: January 29, 2020
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