Psychosis

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Psychosis
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    Paint your heart out

    Paint your heart out!

    So many times have I heard not to paint what I paint. Especially from people working in psychiatric care. ”Don’t paint that, that will make your psychosis worse. Paint sunsets and kittens, that will make you feel better.”

    I wish they were more interested in my art than rejecting me and my needs. My art tells YOU how I feel.

    All paintings can’t be butterflies, flowers and cute little kittens. Sometimes you need to paint your heart out. Let your demons get stuck on the canvas.

    5 things I want people, including health care people, to know is…

    1. I paint what is in my heart. If my heart is dark, the paintings are too. When I am going psychotic, you can see that in my paintings. My paintings are as valid as journaling with letters.

    2. Painting kittens does not take my pain away. It hibernates it. I have a feeling that many find painful art disturbing and want to see easy feelings art. I guess, to protect themselves from the uneasy and provoking art because they don’t know the appropriate reaction to it. You can’t say “nice” or “cute” to a demon breathing fire.

    3. Rejecting the pain makes it stronger. Think about a toothache. Can you ignore it? In the beginning yes, but it gets worse. Finally, you can’t stand the pain anymore, something needs to be done. You see the dentist. I paint, before I’m in so much pain that I can’t stand it anymore.

    4. Painting my pain is therapeutic, it helps me focus and relax. Focus makes voices muffled and tactile hallucinations to a minimum. Maybe you think I should read a book instead of painting scary art? That is very hard for me to do with the cognitive challenges that schizophrenia causes me. Painting does not need thinking. It only needs feelings.

    5. Paintings tell a story. The paintings tell you what I am not able to say with words. Some people are lyrics others are painters or crafters. My paintings tell you the same story I would have if I was able to keep a journal.

    There is a reason art is so diverse. Every piece of art tells a story. Good or painful. It’s the artist’s own story. Even the dark and scary ones. The art might make you uneasy or afraid. That is exactly what I feel inside of me. Hear me! See my pain!

    Don’t be afraid to ask me and help me to explain how I am when a piece of art makes a chain of reactions in you. Chances are that I want to tell you how I feel but can’t do that with words.

    For you fellow artists, don’t be afraid to be you. Don’t give up communicating in your own way.

    Paint your heart out!

    7 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    I wish my family treats me better and are never rude to me

    I don’t want my family telling me anything that upsets me or triggers my depression. I just want them to wish the best for me and not want anything bad to ever happen to me. I hope they change around me and don’t say stuff like ‘what do you want from me?’ or ‘I don’t want to keep you’. I hope that my parents put me first and want me to have everything. It would mean the world to me, thank you. Best wishes to all of you on here!

    #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Disability #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #Trauma #Suicide #Selfharm #CPTSD #PTSD #Schizophrenia #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder

    5 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Shel

    Learning mindfulness and meditation

    So I'm learning how to be more mindful. It isn't something I'm quickly learning ! It is a slow process. I'm also learning how to meditate on a daily basis. My favorite meditations are by DavidJi on Insight Timer. I also listen to meditations on YouTube. I thought mindfulness was meditating but I found out that mindfulness is being in the present momen and watching my breath as it goes in and out. Both are very calming. But as I said before, I'm just learning how to do both! Have a great night🧘‍♀️ #Bipolar #Depression #PTSD #Anxiety #Psychosis

    8 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    A common ironic occurrence of a psychotic illness is that it will convince you that you've never been psychotic at all, that it's all an elaborate ploy when those same thoughts are themselves deemed delusions which as we all know is one of the markers of... Psychosis!

    Community Voices
    Shel

    Therapy Helps

    This may sound weird but it is good for me to see my therapist once a week. This past week, as well as other weeks, she has suggested that I add more spirituality to my life. Sometimes I feel depressed and the idea just came into my head that maybe I look around for joy instead of ONLY noticing things that depress me? Most days, I sound like Wednesday Addams! As a new week is starting, I hope to notice the bright spots of my days and not only the gloomy! #PTSD #Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Psychosis

    17 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    A Delusional Predisposition

    It can be tough to post sometimes.

    Life gets in the way..

    I don’t want to “overshare”..

    Seemingly everyone posts positive things and can leave the difficult things to be quietly unmentioned.

    Recently, and for the first time in my life, I’ve been able to catch and recognize a symptom I have that’s called psychosis.

    Turns out my Bipolar 1 diagnosis is really Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features.

    Have you ever seen “Silver Linings Playbook”?

    The character Bradly Cooper plays portrays in that movie is actually pretty accurately depicted.. especially with that song that he hears everywhere.

    When I’m in an episode, the voices get “loud” and are VERY convincingly real sounding.So much so I would report neighbors to the landlord for “stalking” at my apartments.

    So much so I was convinced that the CIA was following me through GPS in the microchip they implanted in my brain during my ankle arthritis “clean up” surgery in July of 2021.

    So much so that there were microscopic cameras/microphones surrounding my every move.. even inside my apartment.

    Scary as fuck.

    When the psychosis happens, it is SO believable.

    When my mind attacks itself, it creates it’s own version of the surrounding world.. regardless if I’m aware that my thoughts and/or actions are actually breaching reality.

    I thought people were harassing me literally everywhere I went.

    This last big episode went on most all of 2021 and into 2022.

    Though that episode began pretty late 2020, it took full hold after my ankle surgery – with the microchip delusion.

    The voices talk about me – what I’m doing inside my own apartment.. they become narrators of my actions.

    They speak in recognizable voices such as neighbors or family.

    It’s like they’re programmed to stalk me, but let me be in on their private conversation.

    Other times it’s a radio that’s playing in the far background.

    Usually playing whatever song will be in my head.. but when the DJ comes on, the only audible thing is the tone of a male voice.

    What he’s actually saying is just a cadence.. the words are murmured, but the DJ (who’s always male) can only be heard.

    I’ve realized that I’ve lost a LOT of friendships over my miscommunication.

    I carry a lot of guilt for that. I’m working through the guilt and cleaning the litter off my side of the street.

    But, honestly, it’s tough.

    I didn’t understand why I was always the issue at my places of employment.

    Why I would always get singled out and talked to regarding my poor team working skills.

    I realized over the years I’ve lost friends for “knowing” they talk shit about me with me in the room (which, looking back, never happened).

    The only common denominator in regards to the negative aspect of my life, is myself.

    I’m realizing all this now.

    I know that my mental health issues have also made me strong. I’m not attempting to dwell on the negative with any of this.

    It’s fascinatingly frustrating that I’m 39 years old and am just now understanding a BIG part of my mental health issues.

    I’m glad someone helped me pinpoint the core issue..

    But, it’s terrifying.

    Now what?

    It was odd.

    When I got the psychosis diagnosis added this year, everything fell into place and FINALLY made SENSE.

    The blackouts. The general memory fog. The behaviors I exhibit. The voices. The delusions. The hallucinations.

    Order is starting to surface out of extreme paranoia.

    My behaviors over my lifetime have been.. intense.

    I’m starting to understand why, how, what, where and when now though.

    I’m starting to empathize with myself. Which is normally very, very difficult for me.

    Catching the psychosis and disproving the voices are there is CRUCIAL for me.

    I usually have to verify the voices are truly my psychosis with a walk around my surroundings to visually validate the fact that it’s in my head.

    But, that’s life now.

    It’s a double edged sword – that I have to fully trust myself..

    That means I have to accept my own mind is creating the fear in the first place.

    How terrifyingly maddening.

    adelusionalpredisposition.com

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    Struggling with my quality of care and self esteem

    I have been diagnosed Bipolar 1 for years now. It's only been since 2016 that I have been having psychotic episodes. I had 6 in one year. Because of this I have a huge self esteem problem.
    During my episodes I usually have tons of hallucinations and voices. They tend to be about religion, like the world is ending and stuff like that. And they are usually telling me to do inappropriate things.
    Well my daughter had to go to the emergency room recently...the same emergency room where I had my episode and stayed for 2 days because they refused to admit me to the mental health unit which I was in desperate need of. ( They finally admitted me with the rehab staffs urging)
    I heard the nurses whispering and talking about me and when I would look up at them they would look away when I had to leave my daughter's room.
    And this isn't the first time this has happened when I have to go there. I had covid last December and it was the same thing. Whispers and looks.
    I am trying to put the past behind me and focus on my recovery. The problem is my trust level. I'm going to be starting counseling again soon and it's going to be hard to talk about these things. The mental health Dr's and staff here aren't very friendly and are condescending and rude. I actually had a Dr in the psych ward stop prescribing my antidepressants because he said I didn't need them and he was being very rude to me. Took me months to get back on them.
    How can I trust the professionals that are supposed to be treating me when they are rude, condescending and not very helpful?
    There are not many resources here so it's not like I can just go get another Dr. I'm at a loss on what to do.
    Any advice would be appreciated.

    #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #Anxiety #Obesity

    18 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Introspective

    What to do when your stuck in your head and pains got you unable to sleep how do you all pass the time without losing your mind in what feels like an endless loop of a game testing your patience. I need to be reassured that morning will come...kinda feel a psychosis state arising that im stuck awake and the world now has eliminated mornings this is a new distortion for me and its quite unsettling..any experience with this state...tips on how to combat this fear distortion that morning will never come comments much appreciated need some grounding

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Psychotic stuff

    I have been painting with Acrylic since end of November 2021.

    I will not post most of my psychotic paintings if they are triggering. I don’t know if they are violent. Maybe to the mind. In my mind.

    I have Schizophrenia and paint my feelings, thoughts and experiences. i would like to open up the minds of people not knowing what psychosis is like.

    #Schizophrenia #Art

    13 people are talking about this