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    New to Up All Night

    It’s 2am; I’ve slept the usual 4 hours. I’m new to your group. I think I’m getting used to 4 hours of sleep; it’s better than just 2. Physical medical issues keep me from going back to sleep; but it’s the dreams that wake me up. I usually don’t remember the details of these dreams but I wake with the emotions I had in them-fear and anger often. Sometimes I just wake up crying.
    Lack of sleep is literally torture; waking up with these extreme emotional states is something I’m trying to understand. #Retired #c -PTSD

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    New here!

    I have joined recently and would like to connect to others with anxiety so I don’t feel alone.
    #Anxiety #c -PTSD #major depression # IBD #Crohn ’sDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #disabilty

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    Shattered

    Today I said my last farewells to my best friend (and “FavoritePerson”) as she and her husband are relocating from MA to GA.
    If that wasn’t hard enough, I got home from that to a phone call from my brother. My dad, who has been in the hospital and rehab after extensive abdominal surgery to repair a failed hernia repair surgery. We really thought he was going to bounce back when he was moved to a better rehab. But he took a turn for the worse - got COVID on top of a raging infection in his abdomen and pneumonia. His body just couldn’t take it. Life support was stopped and he was gone at 11:56am Arizona Time. I live in MA and was already planning to go out there this coming week. I was too late to get one last hug.
    I’m at a total loss as to how to deal with all this grief. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #c -PTSD #Grief

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    Something new

    So, I was shocked two weeks ago to have new letters to my assortment of letters….BPD. I was shocked to learn that I fit every criteria of BPD with the exception of suicidal behaviors. With my PNP and therapists encouragement I am going to go to a 4- week Partial Hospitalization for people with mood disorders. (I also have have Bi polar disorder). For those of you who have gone through a partial hospitalization for mood disorders…did it help? Does anyone have and suggestions or tips for me? I am lucky, indeed. I have people who care very much for me.# bi polar, #BPD , #c -ptsd, ADHD, GAD, MDD

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    New here

    Hi, looking forward to meeting you.
    #c -ptsd, #childhoodtrauma #Anxiety

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    Therapist break up

    New to writing but have followed many stories/articles. My issue right now is: my therapist suggested I find another therapist that is par with my insurance. As it turns out my therapist is in network with my insurance. Recently my husband lost his job and we lost our insurance. (He is in long term disability) I have been with this therapist for two years. We had some money issues and I had to cancel around 15 appointments over two years of weekly appointments. I found this woman because the place I had been previously, for many, many years had a revolving door of doctors and therapists, so getting comfortable with anyone always changed and we’d start over. This woman specialized in borderline personality disorder and trauma. We were working up to EMDR. I was very comfortable. With these issues with income, insurance, where to live, etc.. I wasn’t sure what to do. We discussed sliding scale, but our income was still too high. I will be going in Medicare in May, which she takes. I was willing to meet once a month until then, paying my way, just to remain established and have a sounding board. She decided she had too many patients, had few openings, I had too many cancellations, didn’t think it was a good idea due to money issues, if I find another insurance, call her. Until then she thought me finding someone in network was my best choice. I was and am devastated! It trusted this woman! Come to find out, after the first of the year, she is in network. By this time I felt betrayed! I guess I knew that this is “just someone’s job”, but I guess I felt more like we had a “friendship” or something. I understand her income issue, but I never fell behind or not paid if we had a visit. During this time we lost our house, about $40,000.00 of my husbands pension we put into the house we were supposed to be buying from my mother in law. Bad business move to not get hints in writing. There was no agreement other than verbal. She ended up in a nursing home and the siblings decide to sell the house. Big family fued! Not speaking with any of them. But that’s a totally different story. My therapist was aware of all this. I guess that is why I thought I might get a bit more leeway, given the circumstances. Anyhow, I really could use a therapist, but I cannot trust anyone! I won’t open up and talk like I should do it would be a waste of time and money.
    Sorry this is so long, it just kind of jumped from one thing to the other.
    Am I wrong for feeling abandoned? How do you get over this and trust someone else?
    Thanks
    #BPD , #c -PTSD, #traums survivor, #chronic EBV, #Fibromyalgia , #hoshimoto thyroiditis, #Type2Diabetes , #chronic pain #

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    About me

    So I’ve been writing in this recovery blog for a little while now, and I thought maybe I’d introduce myself.

    My name is Heather. I’ll be 36 next week.

    I will get to my diagnosis at the end, because this is a recovery blog about my healing journey. But because they are only a part of me, I want to share who I am outside of that. I am not my diagnosis. None of us are. I hope you know that. You are not your diagnosis.

    I have 2 children, a trans 14 year old son, and a 12 year old son. I don’t normally state that my oldest is trans, but this is one thing in my life that I may reference in my posts- being a mom to a trans child.

    I live in PA, but spent 7 months in Utah in 2021 doing residential treatment at an amazing trauma facility. I still go to IOP with them via zoom. This was a truly transformative process as for the first time in my life some of my core beliefs had changed or at least shifted some- something I’d never previously thought possible. I made connections, discovered joy, and discovered who I am and who I want to be. And started to learn to love myself.

    I am officially diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD), Anorexia Nervosa, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Major Depressive Disorder (which is catagorized as “severe”), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder (which at one point was full-blown Agoraphobia, but has since become more manageable).

    More on the diagnosis in another post.

    #c -PTSD #Trauma #Healing #Recovery #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DID #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Anxiety #OCD #Depression

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    It’s hard to write when you’re pretending you don’t feel.

    I told my therapist I don’t feel and she told me I’m lying to myself. So perhaps I’m pretending not to feel. I’m shutting down. I’m blocking as best I can. But I know this will only hinder my progress. ​

    I need to feel.

    I noticed something today.
    I noticed a few things today.

    But this will be about the one.
    Maybe I’ll write about the other another time.

    I realized that one of my core beliefs is completely broken. Most of my core beliefs are slowly breaking. And this one wasn’t any different.

    I believed no one could love me because I was inherently unlovable.
    Because I didn’t deserve love.
    Because I was too broken.

    I believed maybe people thought they loved me, but when they really got to know me they’d see the truth about me. And they’d run.
    Maybe because I’ve always wanted to run from myself.

    I had the help of others.
    They loved me hard. They loved me when I couldn’t love myself. They loved me in my best and my worst times. They saw the most vulnerable parts of me.

    And they didn’t leave.

    And I learned I can be loved.
    I learned that even when I’m breaking down and hurting myself, I can still be loved.
    I learned that even when I feel too needy, I can still be loved.
    I learned that even when I feel so much shame I want to disappear, I can still be loved.

    I am still loved.

    Not only can I be loved, I am even lovable.
    There’s a quality about me that people are drawn to.
    There’s good in me, and people actually see it.
    And love me for it.
    Even when I’m not that way.
    Even when I’m not okay.

    And breaking that core belief feels so freeing.

    I can be and am loved.
    And it feels amazing.
    #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #MentalIllnessAwareness #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #CPTSD #c -ptsd #Healing #Recovery #Therapy #growth #changing

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    What Really Happened

    There is no way I could write everything that happened to me. It is still happening and will never end until I totally walk away. . My family was always viewed as picture perfect. My mother was beautiful, my father was a handsome very successful business man. As children and young adults, we were successful and basically well behaved. It lasted for about 8 years in my life - I was one of the youngest- and lasted the first 18 years of my older siblings. However, I watched life unravel as I reached my preteen years. It never stopped. I went through trauma after trauma that often shocks my psychologist. However, I am truly a survivor! I hope people will stop believing the happiest people are in big houses with country clubs and private schools. I taught emotionally disturbed children for 36 years. My school was considered one of the largest and most poverty stricken. I usually had the same students for 4 or 5 years, and I discovered that their families were the most loving and honest people I had known. Even after I retired, parents would call me to talk to me. As my Mother’s memory began to glitch, students and parents would call me to come get her while they served her iced tea and treated her with dignity. It is the values we develop, recapture, and remember that matter. It’s not the appearance. Be very wary of perfection and believe in love. ❤️ #c -PTSD, #Anxiety ,#4 Chronic Illnesses in

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    From All Directions #c aregiving #Depression #Fibromyalgia #

    I have struggled with self-esteem, chronic depression, and chronic physical illness since preschool. Twenty years ago my husband died of cancer, leaving our college-age daughter. This Saturday my longtime fiance died suddenly in the ICU of heart failure related to cancer. I am in shock and feel that I have nothing to live for. I also feel that I was a selfish and inadequate wife to both these men. I don't know what to do to keep safe.