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Finally understanding how my mind works. #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ADHD #HSP

I have not posted in awhile. I first started posting approx 7 years ago. I have been currently awake since 4 am’ish. I am back on another fundamental learning curve. I only found out in June 2024 that I have ADHD. Only finally secured a decent therapist a month ago. I can finally because I have benefits for the 1st time in 20 years. She supports my suspicion I am AuADHD. Only about up to 15 years ago the theory was no one could have both. On top of that one can be also born with a heightened sensitive nervous system. Elaine Aron’s research on the highly sensitive person survivor trait (HSP) has merit as well. A person can have a combination of all 3 of these processing styles. Again not disorders. There are way too many extremely ignorant mental health professionals who have no training or understanding of anything outside of the DSM.

I am so angry and resentful. I have had to learn in my 50’s things that the innate processing styles I was born with are not disorders. I also suffer from being raised by 2 emotionally immature parents. I am not supposed to say narcissists. Only others who were raised by narcissists gets that. Your whole perspective and lived experiences are gaslit and your consistently get scapegoated from birth. That screws up a person right from the start and it get miss and/or dismissed as no big deal. It’s the opposite. Just because I was not hit or experienced other hurricane physical abuses my trauma was missed and ignored until I was 52. I learned more in the last 5 years than the previous 52 years.

Things came to another crisis in Feb that caused me to go on medical leave (STD) and I am currently applying for long term disability. I have full validation I am experiencing another processing burnout. All these years I was made to feel I was so fundamentally flawed and that was why I keep having what I thought were breakdowns. In truth I now know I was experiencing AuADHD burnouts. My mind is running 24\7. So of course I would get overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily.

So now I see myself born with a heightened and sensitive nervous system. My brain processes things in neurodivergent ways. I was raised by emotional immature parents and that caused me to have a an ambivalent, disorganized insecure attachment style. I have been suffering from CPTSD from birth. So the idiot and I will stand by calling the psychiatrist who in 2013 diagnosed me with bipolar in one 45 minute session. He was an idiot who had no trauma training. Or any other understanding of anything outside the DSM. Had me on the wrong medications and would not listen to me when I knew I was not reacting well to the meds. My systems is sensitive to many meds and I do not have the “typical” responses that are expected. Plus when on social assistance they automatically give you the generic version of a med. I do not trust generics. They are cheaper for a reason you will never convince me they are the same as brand. Pharmaceutical companies are lying.

It as taken me over 10 years to start the healing on all the wrong professional supports I have had to experience. At 57 I feel I finally understand what I am dealing with. It still comes with a long list of its own challenges. Hence the latest learn curve includes a full physical and mental burnout. #c -PTSD #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Dysthymia #Anxiety

This article also validates the added difficulties of late neurodivergent diagnosis. Nicola Knobel is a very helpful with many practical resources.

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Google Nicola Knoble: burnout in late diagnosed women, clinical insight, lived experience and what actually helps.

AuDHD Burnout in Late Diagnosed Women: Clinical Insights, Li...

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AuDHD Burnout in Late Diagnosed Women: Clinical Insights, Lived Experience, and What Actually Helps Nicola Knobel

A research-grounded guide to AuDHD burnout in late diagnosed women, including signs, causes, nervous system impacts, and evidence-based recovery strategies.
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Home

My affirmation today was about anxiety: I deserve to feel safe and I deserve to feel at home.

When I realized that most of my worries come from the fact that I don't feel safe or like I have my own home, I remembered when I was a child and felt safe, like I had a home... Having faith in my parents (somehow).

Sometimes anxiety is a perspective. It is a rational state that reacts to information. But, peace is also a perspective. We can train ourselves to have peace by changing our perspective, or even despite circumstances.

"Worrying will not add any more time to the day; worrying will not fix your problems."

In fact, you can solve all your problems without worry. Take it as a dare. Remember the times when you felt calm and at peace and when you feel yourself welling up with anxiety, focus your body into calm and your mind into a calm mental state... Tell your body there are no problems, while you tell your mind that you don't need stress to solve the problems and that they can be solved without the stress. Sometimes bad outcomes are inevitable, and because of that, you know you survived, adding stress to future possibilities does nothing for present you or future you.

Choose peace. It's a choice. It's a mindset. It's a perspective. It's not easy, but your body and your soul will thank you. you are safe. You will survive. You will be okay.

#PTSD #Anxiety #c -PTSD #Depression

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#c .P.

yes i can show how much God helps me but sometimes i hate C.P. im tired of my name being would u repeat that i didn't understand u #frustrated

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How empaths mirror their surrounding #c -PTSD #PTSD #HSP

"Because I am an empath, I see what you can't admit and I sense what you try to bury. I am the mirror you didn’t ask for, the one you can’t escape. You can try to hide your feelings, your intentions, your shadows—honey, I see them all. Your mask is cute, but it’s paper-thin to me. You can’t outsmart the energy that you radiate, and you can’t outrun the reflection I hold up for you.

Here’s the thing you need to know about empaths: We don’t just “feel a little more.” No, we absorb, digest, and inhabit the energy that pours out of you, whether you know it’s leaking or not. Your anxiety? Tastes bitter on my tongue. Your envy? Burns like a shot of cheap whiskey down my throat. Your unspoken heartbreak, your simmering rage, your secret shame—I pick up the scent and wear it like a second skin. I feel it all. I hold it all.

But don’t get it twisted. I am not your emotional dumping ground. I am not here for you to unload your garbage and walk away lighter while I stagger under the weight. No, darling. I’m the wild alchemist. I take in your energy, and I transform it. Sometimes I’ll carry it, but sometimes, when the moon is right and my spirit is on fire, I’ll send it right back to you—gift-wrapped in truth and unapologetic clarity.

You want to know why you feel uneasy around me? Why you get defensive, prickly, or even hostile in my presence? It’s not because I’m rude, or too much, or too intense. It’s because your inner world is showing up on the big screen—the one I hold up, bigger than life, for you to see. You feel exposed, vulnerable, naked. But that’s not my fault. That’s your own authenticity trying to claw its way out.

If you have traits you hate about yourself—the ones you stuff down, deep under layers of “I’m fine” and “It’s nothing”—they rise up like smoke in my presence. I don’t have to say a word. My energy pulls your truth to the surface. You can glare, you can gossip, you can throw shade. But the only thing I’m guilty of is holding up a mirror.

I am the reminder that no matter how hard you try to hide, energy never lies. You can script your words, rehearse your smile, perfect your handshake—none of it matters to an empath. We read the language of the soul, the dialect of the heart, the dialect you forgot you were speaking.

You say I’m “too sensitive,” but maybe you’re just too detached from your own feelings. You say I “take things too personally,” but maybe you’re just uncomfortable that someone can see behind your walls. You say I’m “intense,” but that’s what it feels like to walk around with your truth echoing in my bones.

I am not here to make you comfortable. I am not here to soothe your ego or tiptoe around your wounds. I am here to light up your darkness and call out your shadows. I am the storm that shakes loose your secrets, the wildfire that burns away your bullshit, the earthquake that cracks your mask. And if you can’t handle me, maybe it’s time you handle yourself.

Because the truth is, every time you cringe around me, every time you feel the urge to run, every time you flare up with irritation or dismiss me with a roll of your eyes, that’s your soul screaming to be seen. I didn’t create your discomfort—I just turned on the light.

If you feel an instant dislike for me, maybe it’s not me you’re hating. Maybe it’s the reflection of your own denied truth. Maybe it’s the echo of your own suppressed dreams, your own abandoned power, your own untamed wildness. I am just the canvas. You are the painter.

I am not afraid of your darkness. I am not fazed by your chaos. I am not intimidated by your rage, your grief, your jealousy, or your pain. I have learned to dance with all those energies. I have made peace with my own shadows, and that’s why yours don’t scare me. That’s why I can hold up the mirror—because I’ve stared into it myself.

You can call me intimidating, bitchy, too much, too loud, too deep. I’ll wear those titles like the crown I was born for. Because I know what I am: a soul that refuses to play small, a spirit that won’t dim her light to soothe your insecurity, a heart that won’t apologize for feeling everything so fiercely.

Empaths are not fragile. We are not weak. We are the original badasses. We have survived the wars of the soul, the heartbreak of the world, and still, we rise. We are the seers, the feelers, the truth-tellers, the boundary-breakers. We are the ones who remind you of what you’ve forgotten: your own power, your own pain, your own possibility.

So, if you feel uncomfortable around me, if you want to run or lash out or hide, ask yourself: What am I afraid to see? What am I denying in myself? What am I projecting onto her? Because the longer you hide from your truth, the heavier it gets. And one day, it’ll break free—whether in my presence, or alone in the dark.

I won’t apologize for being the mirror. I won’t shrink for your comfort. I won’t carry what isn’t mine. I’ll reflect it back to you, raw and real, until you’re ready to claim it for yourself. Until you’re ready to stop running. Until you’re ready to meet yourself, eye to eye, heart to heart.

Because that’s what I do. That’s what we empaths do. We bring the truth to the surface. We burn away the lies. We wake up the world, one reflection at a time.

So if you can’t handle the heat, don’t blame the fire. And if you see something you don’t like in my eyes, remember: I’m just the mirror, babe. The real work—that’s all you.

And when you’re finally ready to see yourself, all of yourself, you’ll find me here—standing in the light, unafraid, unapologetic, and absolutely unstoppable. Because that’s what it means to be an empath. That’s what it means to be me.

And honey, that’s power. Real, untamed, wild, bitchy, beautiful power. Own it or run from it—the choice is yours. But know this: The mirror never lies."

-Steve De'lano Garcia

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#c -PTSD #narcissist
TW:
Today I finnished reading a book about apsychopath serial killer.
Why on earth have I read the complete book (551 pages)?

Now my mind is playing tricks on me.

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Staying Present #c -PTSD

There have been moments where a trigger will transport me back to when I was a child - during my times of trauma. To get back to the present, I implement mindfulness exercises. I concentrate on my immediate surroundings and ask myself, "What do I see, hear, smell, taste and touch?

Intentionally, I slow down my breathing with deep breaths, holding them for a moment, then releasing them. By the time I've taken my third or fourth breath, my body has stopped trembling and my mind is fully engaged in the moment.

Yesterday, during a time when I was fully present, I happen to be in the right place, at the right time. Noticing that a patient snuggled a fork into the unit where I am assigned, I immediately alerted the nurse in charge. A "code red " was issued and security was able to confiscate the weapon. Lives were saved.

Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden

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