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    How do I forgive the intangible but very insidious emotional grief, pain and suffering I experienced since childhood? #Depression #Anxiety #HSP

    I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

    I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

    I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

    For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

    Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

    How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

    It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

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    Hello everyone.
    I hope y’all doing well.
    Sadly, lately I feel like my life is like a domino - one things happens and it ruins everything.
    Last night, I got a panic attack. Mild one, but I felt my heart racing and my legs went numb. But I took melatonin early on, so I was (luckily) too tired to get stressed about it.
    Lately, I try to sleep a lot. So I don’t have to deal with reality.
    I’m still stuck with my bf, because I don’t have much money to leave. I don’t have a car and not enough savings to purchase one.
    My work this week was a disaster. I’ll be lucky to make $300. My tooth broke, my back is hurting. I was looking forward to see some friends this weekend but they canceled.
    Today I felt so drained and empty and exhausted I harmed myself. And it felt good. And I don’t want it to feel good.
    And it all started a week ago.
    A while ago I made a post about how I’ve fallen for my bfs friend.
    We’ve been in touch for a year and a half. He never made it clear how he feels about me, but he dropped hints like - if he wasn’t my friend, or if you guys fight or break up etc.
    Two weeks ago, we went out with some friends to the bar, including him. He gave me so much attention, was singing for me, got me beer, made me laugh, and I caught him looking at me a lot. But I’ve ruined it. Last week Thursday, I asked him to tell me if he has feelings for me or am I delusional, because it drains me not to know, and that I know the answer might be negative but it won’t change anything, I just wanted to know. He saw the message but he didn’t reply. So I send him another one if it’s a yes or no and it’s not that hard to answer a simple question. After that, he went quite. He didn’t open any of my messages or my snapchats. I thought that maybe something happened and he ignores everyone (I know, pretty naive) but I noticed he texts with my bf just fine, so it’s just me he ignores. I thought it’s gonna last maybe three days, and if he notices Im acting normally he’ll start too. But no.
    Todays a third day of me not talking to him. But like I said, it drains me. I wish I knew what he’s thinking or if he’ll ever talk to me again. Because I can’t imagine staying in this situation for any longer. I even feel guilty that I asked. If I knew that’s how he’ll react, I wouldn’t dare to.
    I try to tell myself that maybe he feels something for me but he feels guilty because my bf is his friend and that’s why he pushed me away like that. But I also think that he actually doesn’t care.
    It put me in such a depressing mood. I don’t feel like doing anything, just sleeping all the time. Every time I go to sleep, I hope I’ll wake up to his message. I don’t know how to deal with it. #Depression #Selfharm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #HSP

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    Silenced

    I was never good at making noise.

    A small and timid little voice, non-existent confidence and a lack of self-believe. An easy target for anyone who knows what they want and how to get it.

    The mantras of youth keep a grip on you, don't they?

    It doesn't matter what age you find yourself as you awake, they are there in the back of your mind to influence you, either crippling you while creating havoc or offering strength and hope for every day.

    They shaped you as you were young to either please others or grow into a confident being,

    ready to face the world and tackle the problems as they arise.

    Some I do remember so very well, the ones I had to exorcize from my brain doing the most damage where personal, but some are simple phrases used to control and silent the growing mind:

    ...Only speak when you are spoken to

    ...Be seen and not heard.

    ...If you have nothing nice to say - say nothing at all.

    ...As long as you have your feet under my table you do as you are told.

    ...And on and on it goes.

    There are life-defining moments in everybody's life. They don't stop at eighteen, they start at birth and end with the last breath you take, the finale and biggest point of realisation in anybody's life, preceded by ups, downs and in-betweens.

    Those special moments present themselves different for everyone, often not realized until later in life, they are what we build on and what we find important enough to saviour.

    Some are lucky, having experienced the early moments in life defined by love, kindness and well-meaning guidance from the people around them. They know that their voice matters - their mothers told them so.

    Some of us are not so lucky. We fought for attention, to be seen, to be heard and recognised. Some do this all their life: As child to survive, as adults to be heard and as parents to be valued. Most are thankful for simple signs that their life experience is respected by those who matter.

    We work towards that balance when we can please others, yet be valued even without doing so. When our voice is valued for what it is: Experience in motion and growing wisdom as elders.

    We soak up experiences when our voice and opinion is considered and recognised as worthy, When we are approached for our knowledge, seeked out without having to remind that it exists.

    Most do find their voice, often after life has shaken them awake by one of those special moments, finally realising that it is necessary to go back and re-parent themselves in order to grow.

    But being authentic, truthful and awake is not as welcome by as many as you might think! It's not easy going to get there, requires openness, truthfulness, dedication and a lot of work....

    But you'll find that having done this work, it is not the end of the story, it is only the beginning.

    You might have found your true, authentic self but lost those who are on different levels of their journey.

    Now, you don't fit into the comfortable persona you have been exuding for others all your life. Your voice is not pleasing any longer -it demands the respect that some are not willing or able to give. Some prefer the easy going, fix-it-for-you people where growth is suspended and thought is not needed. No matter who you are, never right for all.

    Another life-defining moment ahead.

    Growth is indeed endless. You have to walk your path as who you truly are, not who others want you to be.

    Who will be with you on that path from now on is a mutual decision, it's not just up to you but their decision too.

    You must keep walking, no matter the losses along the way, you cannot make yourself small again for others... It's time for others to grow taller themselves as well.

    I am sure that many people I know, would they ever read anything I write, would be truly aghast of what I have to say... not because they would find themselves now faced with that unwanted truth and consequences of actions, but simply because I now do talk about it. I break the silence. I break the norm, I dare to speak about it now.

    That's not done in a 'happy' world!

    Sorry, never was a fan of being a fake-it-til-you-make-it kinda girl...

    Sending much love and strength for your personal journey... xo

    #Childhoodtrauma #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #HSP #INFJ #Introvert

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    I suck

    Not sure where to start been looking into councillors and psychologists and contacting them etc but does anyone have that poor of mental health where they think they are beyond help?

    I’m on 40mg of citalopram a day and they help compared to not being on them, but it don’t cure what’s deep inside. The misery I’ve felt daily for 19 years that’s been patched up with pills.

    Of course going to try with the support, but for a very long time 19 years exactly I have been stuck with these feelings of anxiety, depression, paranoia, HSP and low self esteem also fuelled by current and past trauma with bad relationships, some family and old friends. So it would be nice to hear others experiences to or expert advice. I’ve only ever seen a councillor once at the age of 17 and that was an unpleasant experience now 32.

    I suppose opening up these thoughts today also gets me down then I’m thinking I really do suck.

    Any psychologists on here let me know :-) I may even be able to help if someone has an issue with something to.

    #deppression #Depression #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder #HSP #empathic #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #HighlySensitive

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    PTSD and memory issues 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️#HSP #Highly Sensitive person aka hsp

    I was an average student all my life . I had learning issues, but I didn't know why i had them. After taking therapies, I got to know, I had experienced trauma all my life. The skills I had learnt I couldn't recall recently. I felt shame 😔 sad nd upset as I looked like an unprofessional. I forget names, spellings. Good memories I can't recall from my past. I only remember trauma related stuff so clearly 🤦‍♀️ . I am fighting with my self to get back to normal 😪 I sometimes feel like giving up. Don't want to open my eyes but thinking about my kids I fight again with my self and cycle continues.

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    I’m tired and hurting! #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Isolation #angry #HSP #Grief #difficultemotions

    I'm frustrated and angry right now. I never catch a break. I thought I navigated Christmas as best as I could this year.

    Dealing with CPTSD really has me so hypervigilant and then I become so reactive if I'm not careful.

    I usually only go to my mom's now for a max of 4 days. This Christmas I did make the mistake of staying longer and even with that I was met the evil eye when I left to catch my 3pm commuter train home today.

    I arrived on Dec 22 so I stayed an extra 3 days then usual over the last few years. I'm very mindful I may not have many more Christmases with my mother. She's 82 and her health is declining more and more rapidly in the recent year.

    Having said that my mom is a covert narcissit through and through. She is even worse after my dad passed away 18 months ago.

    I'm the youngest of 4 and I have the wonderful title of being the family scapegoat and I'm constantly getting gaslighted by her and my siblings. There is no winning when you have this label within the family.

    When I arrived on Dec 22 I said I was leaving on Thurs or Fri this week. Yesterday I confirmed I was leaving Fri at 3pm. I repeated that this morning and again around 1pm.

    So as I'm getting my stuff together I walk into the kitchen to say goodbye I was met with my mother's glare. I was confused and trying to figure out in my mind what have I done wrong now. You see with CPTSD the hypervigilance kicks in automatically. She then tells me she did not know I was leaving today. That I didn't tell her in advance. Now she is angry.

    At this point I'm just tired and I just reacted. My mind just goes into a jumble wondering if I'm ever listened to, but at the same time wondering how I could have done or said things differently. Unfortunately the reality is I can never win no matter what I do.

    You see a few days earlier I was accused I talk too much and keep repeating things. The "things" by the way are my feelings. If I dare to share my feelings about something in the here and now I'm constantly being accused I'm repetitive. Supposedly too pushy with my feelings, thoughts and perspective on everything. Then if I'm quiet then I'm accused I don't express myself and let anyone know what I'm thinking.

    This constant contrary treatment from my family of origin has literally made me crazy. I've suffered alone with all my mental health diagnosis over the last 30 years. To my family I'm either making it all up or I must have brought it on myself somehow.

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    Fear of loosing my Father #HSP #Highly Sensitive person aka hsp

    The biggest fear in anyone life is fear of loosing our dear ones. My father had 2 leg amputation surgeries recently, due to gangrene and again his leg is infected 😔. I can't even see him. Just call 📞 nd keep in touch through phone 📱. My step mother is taking care of him nd she has lost hope in his recovery. Request you all to remember my father in your prayers as prayers have power to change any situation 🙏 .

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    Do you liked to be hugged? #HSP #HighlysensitivePerson

    I Don't like to be hugged 🥺. I don't like anyone other than my family to come in my personal space. It's not that I hate people or I have consider myself elite or something. Touch of any form disturb/ terrifies 😨 me. When festivals are approaching I feel anxious, as in my religion, every one hugs 🫂 each other to wish Eid. In the present time I am lucky to see people understand this when I request them and make them aware why I don't like to be hugged.

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    My on going battle with my inner critics. #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #HSP #Selflove #selfawareness

    I have been on a very long journey struggling with #depression , #Anxiety and #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder . It took me yeas to figure out the whys. You see I’m an #HSP . It also took me years until coming across the work of Elaine Aron. Her research helped me understand some of my “whys”.

    I now believe I was born with the innate temperament and personality of someone who is a deep processor, always needing to understand the meaning of the world around me. To be attuned to sudleties of what I was seeing….facial expressions, hearing….tones of voices , the energy around people. I was one of those children who everyone thought I was shy. Maybe I was but maybe I wasn’t. I believe I was just one of those children who was just able to pay attention to everything around me..I was always observing. I was very in tune and “sensitive” to the emotions around me, I have the capacity of a very strong empath. With all of this made me so easily overstimulated. This overstimulated and overwhelmed my nervous system from day 1. I was born in freeze. I couldn’t run or fight so I got stuck in freeze. That’s how I manage overwhelming situations…I crash….. I have had 3 major breakdowns.

    I was not born into a violent home, but it was a chaotic and anxious one. I only found out last year that we literally moved the day my mother and I left the hospital. Was on a train to another city and new home. I was the 4th child. My eldest sister was only 6 at the time. My father was finishing his studies and that was the priority it seems. You see my father was a grandiose narcissist and in our household only his wants were focused on and still were until he passed away in 2021. A wife and 4 children were not necessarily as high on that list of priorities. How can there be peace and calmness with 4 children. A 6yr old, a 5yr, a 3yr and a newborn.

    I was always told I was a screamer, crying and having tantrums. I wasn’t suffering from colic or anything like that. Unfortunately instead of hugs, nurturing and assurances all my earliest memories were of frustration and impatience. My brother who was only 3 years older than me used to torment me and get me riled up. My mother used to come and yell at me to stop crying so eventually I did. I’m 53 years old and I still rarely cry.

    I mention the above to express that there does not need to be extreme traumatic events to impact a person’s ability to shut down their nervous system to the point of being able to shut down their emotional responses. To become disconnected and find ways to dissociate away from feeling.

    It may seem like a leap to get to why I posted the image with a list of inner critics.

    I came across a Ted talk about dealing with uncomfortable emotions a few years ago (Joan Rosenberg emotional mastery on YouTube if anyone is interested)

    After watching it recently it was finally beginning to register that I need to connect to my feelings but there was so much internal resistance. For me I had been already working with the concepts Internal Family Systems (IFS). This approach has the understanding that each of us are made up all these “parts” of self. If dealing with trauma of any kind the fragmented a person can become. I at a young age compartmentalize my emotions.

    My inner critics become the most viscous parts of me as they want to protect my most vunerable and sensitive parts of me. For me without this way of exploring what gets in my way I just continue in circles. Stuck in my own head and just believing I’m just fundamentally screwed up and only able to identify what’s wrong with me. That depression, anxiety, bipolar and CPTSD are life sentences I cannot escape.

    Working on managing my emotions and working with parts work especially my inner critics I’m finally taking charge. The Ted talks helped me realize that my “inner critics” were not letting any of my emotions flow naturally. In their misguided way think it’s helps. All those times I got upset for my emotional responses. The weird paradox of having bad feelings about havin* feelings in the first place. This is a very unhealthym unhelpful viscous circle. This may not make sense to anyone but maybe it will. This has taken me years of struggling, suffering. Years of on and off therapy. A deep processing mind that just kept looking for anything that made sense to me. So lots of trials and errors.

    It’s not easy work but it a very tangible course of action that I’m conquering my mind for a change rather then my mind always conquering me. That’s why I’m sharing the image with the list of inner critics. When they are left in charge my life is miserable. I need to show them empathy and compassion. Thank them for protecting me all these years but they can back down because my innate sensitive, empathic authentic self is getting strong enough to take charge.

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