Chaoticmind

I recently went and stayed at an intermediate care centre for a week. To try get into the habit of cooking for myself , self care but mainly for stress relief and to learn about ways to cope with obsessive thinking , procrastination, generalised anxiety and learn about self compassion. Before I got there I was desperate to escape my life , take stock and return to apply what I had learnt . But I didn’t have the best time there due to not geling with others for whatever reason so I kept to myself and felt quite isolated. I returned home only to slip back in and if anything I’ve become more unwell to the point were I lost trust with my closest support and thought people were trying to break me down which really wasn’t the case. I’m one year clean of methamphetamine and was only really high doses of serequel and Valium and a low dose of abilifeye which ended up leaving me vacant almost catatonic . So I stopped taking them and for most of this year I’ve been up and down with weed. The other night I took serequel and Zane’x . I felt better the next day but knew not to make a habit of it and to report this to my professionals. Last night I went to meet a girl I’d been talking to and was going to finally meet . I was really nervous and was going into town which I avoid so I was being really brave especially going alone as I have no friends my age . In the car my older friend who is pretty well my everything was happy I was getting out there and just told me to be careful and to call when I wanted to come home. He is pretty much home to me . I begun to over think and go into that almost personality disorder zone where I’m trying to think of how to be and how to portray myself and in that moment I went fuck it and just stopped thinking . We met at the bar I had already had a jaeger shot and a beer . And then I just became reckless and everything was gone with the wind I did 8 shots I think . We left the club and I lost her and her group this is where I blacked out a bit I think I went looking for a toilet and I txted her but I’m not sure what happened if I was looking aimlessly walking around disorientated so I think I sat down when two kind young lady’s came to sit with me and were very worried they called my friend for me and stayed until I got in the car. I fear substances as they do disorientate me and effect my memory and processing , and my personality they’ve fucking ruined that. Pardon the negativity. Today I felt regret I was so irresponsible and didn’t honour myself and my hard earnt wisdom all because I didn’t want to seem weird, anxious or fragile like a nanna in a twenty three year olds body . She may of been drunk and just thought oh she took of or maybe I hit on her or I was weird I dunno but I got ditched and I feel like she didn’t really get to meet me a sort of wasted encounter. though a club isn’t the place for a first meet well not for me anyway . How to build a life when your almost not fit for life. I wanna live not exsist.