How My Chronic Illnesses Have Altered My Sense of Self

I feel as though I am a shadow of my former self. It has been about four years since I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. One that would change and try to dictate the rest of my life. Over the years, that illness has come with what I call unwelcome friends who can be just as dangerous as the rest. Formerly, I would venture out and about and perform my errands around town without a second thought. I attended social events with friends, was moderately outgoing, and I did not give much thought to the changes that could affect my body. This normalcy changed seemingly overnight.

Over time, I realized that not just my physical self has changed, but the way I see myself as well. I have tried to process this with cognitive therapy.  I believe it is important to talk to an unobjective someone and in a mostly uninhibited way about living with chronic illness and how it makes me feel. I have described this in detail to my therapist and she helps me process what is happening to my body on a mental and physical level.  The medical questions I leave to my physicians as they are the most qualified.  But I cannot escape the way living with multiple incurable illnesses has altered my life.

My days and weeks are occupied by medical appointments. I am on a first-name basis with many of the staff at the multitude of offices where I see my doctors for my conditions. I have begun to use mobility aids, such as walking sticks or a wheelchair, as it is difficult to walk anymore without chronic pain. I have illness(es) that are potentially life-threatening and that aspect can be scary. I generally rely on very close family nowadays as I have begun to retreat from others, including extended family. I do not know how I became this way.

Today, I have very few friends.  I am probably a little socially awkward.  I generally shy away from meeting new people, and I do not like speaking up at social events. Many people I have met over the years have disappeared from my life, whether that is due to time apart decaying relationships as I try to tell myself, or perhaps it is just that sometimes I wonder who wants to spend their time being held back by a sick person who cannot partake in the same events as everyone else. I try to avoid that thought because I acknowledge that it is very unhealthy (and may or may not be true).  But I cannot escape how I feel.

I try to tell myself healthy and encouraging thoughts but am not always successful. The cognitive distortions I learned about in years of therapy dealing with all this sometimes break loose and can affect the way I see myself.  I am not sure what the rest of my life has in store for me. The last decade or so has been an extremely rough ride and I could use a break.  But so far, my illnesses are not letting up and I have begun to expect them to add secondary-related conditions every so often.

I am not sure where to find relief. But I know that writing my thoughts down does help. It lets me express to others the way I feel and put ideas to paper to let go of some of the internalized tension. Otherwise, I can repeatedly get lost in unhealthy, distorted thoughts. And that is no way to live despite whatever physical things are happening to my body.  I just try to stay as positive as possible and carry on with the close friends and family I have left.  For that is all I have.