How Chronic Illness Impacted My Dream of Having a Baby

I have always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. It was always in my plans. Unfortunately, thanks to a routine medical procedure gone wrong, my dream of having a baby and becoming a mother the traditional way disappeared in a split second. You see, this medical error (that occurred right before I was 30), caused a spinal cord injury that in turn caused a rare and debilitating diagnosis called complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), followed by many other chronic illnesses and subsequent medical issues, which made bearing a child impossible.

A little more about my journey: I was married to my (ex) husband in the initial years following my injury. We should have been preparing to have children, had a life-changing medical trauma not intervened. But I was clearly neither physically able nor prepared at that time to have a baby, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally able either. My only goal was to get well, so having a baby at all wasn’t on the agenda at that critical time. My focus throughout my 30s shifted from being a successful businesswoman and starting a family to trying to fix this painful “beast” torturing my body and mind 24/7. Yes, I know now it was an unreasonable strategy to try and fix incurable illnesses as opposed to managing them, but alas that’s what I did.

Fast forward — I ended up getting divorced from my husband (not because of my medical issues, but that’s a story for another day). I was down a life partner and in no shape to even be the type of mother I wanted to be given my homebound/bedbound, inability to drive state. I could barely care for myself, let alone care for a child. I was watching my motherhood dream slip away and there was nothing I could do about it.

After approximately seven to eight years of homebound/bedbound status and approximately 10 years of being unable to drive, I finally found some better treatments and coping mechanisms in order to start living some semblance of “normalcy” again. I was managing better than I had been, but I was definitely not well. But I started dating more seriously again and decided I would take foster classes as my dream of motherhood was still alive. I was very open to adoption. All the while, I knew in order to have the best chance at adoption I would need a willing partner. But I realized it was more difficult trying to find a partner who wanted children. Plus, the odds of adopting a baby were very low and you didn’t have much control, especially if you went through the foster care system. Further, what are the chances a birth mother would choose a “disabled single (or even attached) mother” for their baby? My options felt very limited.

I decided the best option for me would be to freeze my eggs when I was 40 years old. Yes, I realize it was a very irrational decision, considering my advanced age as well as all of my chronic illnesses and medical issues (including hormonal issues and PCOS, which affects fertility). It was essentially leaving me with a slim to none chance the eggs I froze would ever amount to a miracle baby. Plus, knowing I would not even be able to carry the baby according to my doctors, I would also need a gestational carrier (surrogate) to even carry out my plan. But I had to try. I can’t explain the psychological desire and pull, but I simply had to do it. So after approximately $20k spent out of pocket and huge increases in my pain/symptoms later (by having to go off HRT and through the IVF treatments by myself), I had only frozen about three or four viable eggs. Not a lot at all. Needless to say, it was more than disappointing.

Then on top of the physical trauma and financial investment I made to go through the IVF process, I also had to pay additional fees for “egg storage” each year ($550/year). So each year would go by and I would ask myself why I did this when I wasn’t even looking for a partner. I was content being alone for the time being. Sure I had a few serious boyfriends, including one I almost married and who even wanted to start a family, but he just wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t about to settle just for the sake of attempting to make a baby.

I recently had to make the decision with the egg storage fee yet again. I spoke with my friend and got her advice. She asked me if I cared whether the child was biologically mine or not and I said definitely not. That made me think — why was I worried about keeping my DNA (eggs) if that wasn’t important to me? Besides the obvious slim to none chance this miracle baby would ever happen in the first place, this made a lot of sense.

So I made the tough decision to donate my eggs (my potential babies) to science. In a way I felt as though I was giving up on my dream of having a baby. And I suppose I have. But I haven’t given up on my dream of being a mother — yet. Recently I have begun looking into potentially adopting an older child if at all possible. A teenager would be too old as my desire and longing is to raise a child, but I think maybe a 6 to 10-year-old would be in the realm of possibility. I believe at this point in my medical journey I could nurture and care for an older child on my own (with help of course). We will see what the future holds.

So a split second medical mistake that led to a spinal cord injury and chronic illnesses have stolen my dream of having a baby; this is a fact. I may get to the point where I have to accept that my dream of being a mother in a non-traditional way won’t come true either. In fact, I’m almost at the point of acceptance. But if and when I do, I will know I have done everything in my control to explore all my options and see if it’s possible.

So many of us with chronic illnesses and medical traumas lose our ability to be in control of our own destiny and dreams. I know it has for me. It steals a lot from us and simply put, it’s not fair. But what helps me is to control the things I still can control. And those things are actually a lot. It helps me to research and analyze decisions so I can explore every avenue, and if I get to the end of that exploration and find out my goals and dreams cannot be met because of my medical situation, it sucks — it makes me angry and it hurts, so I must grieve the loss. But at least I know that it’s not for a lack of trying and it’s not my fault. More important, none of this is my fault. But in the end, I have to be realistic and accept these losses to gain closure in order to stop living in the past to move on, be grateful for my present and excited for my future!

Am I alone in this motherhood journey? What are some dreams chronic illness has stolen from you or what are some dreams you’ve achieved despite chronic illness?