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My Name Is ____. I'm Chronically Ill. And I'm a Recovering Liar.

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I am a liar…

In day-to-day life there are so many roles we have to play. For me these are wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, employee, advocate and one I feel is a “dark mark,” patient.

Most of these roles depend on me falling into parameters and meeting obligations. I must do what I have to in order to fulfill my roles in life.

But I sometimes can’t.

I am a liar…

I lie to myself, I lie to my boss, I lie to my parents, I lie to my family.

I lie…

I tell myself I can do it all alone.

I tell myself no one cares about my problems, no one will be able to handle them and be there for me. I tell myself that my parents and my family are too burdened with me and they would be better off without me. I tell myself that my husband would be more successful and happier without me around to bug him.

I tell myself that my friends would have more fun and do greater and better things without me. I tell myself that my boss would be better served by an employee with a better skill set than mine.

I lie…

I tell myself if I only would shut my mouth and be submissive people would like me more.

I tell myself not to complain so much because my problems aren’t important and my pain will not be empathized with.

I lie…

I tell myself I am unworthy of love.

I tell myself I am unworthy of growth, professionally and personally.

I tell myself I deserve the pain I am going through.

I lie…

I tell myself that some unknown sin or past ill deed is why I am in this situation, that I am to blame for all my trouble and every tear on my pillow will not pay the price for my past.

I lie…

I lie because the truth is so hard to face.

In truth…

My husband loves me dearly. He calls me beautiful and holds me when I feel weak.

In truth…

My mom loves me more than the sun, the moon and the stars combined.

In truth…

I still have my dad wrapped around my little finger at 28.

In truth…

My friends are loving people who truly care, who drop whatever they are doing to talk on the phone and always seem to have some heartfelt advice to share.

In truth…

I rock at my job.

In truth…

I am loud and boisterous. I speak my mind. I laugh too loud and cry too often. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel deeply.

I love. I cherish. I empathize.

And yet I lie…

I lie because at some time or another we forget our worth.

We stray from seeing life as a miracle and start seeing it as a curse.

Less like heaven and more like hell.

I cannot put into words exactly why that is because it is different for all.

For me, my self-worth has always been contingent upon how I think the world sees me.

In truth…

I am a miracle.

In truth…

I am blessed.

In truth…

I did nothing that caused me to get complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS).

In truth…

I am worthy.

My name is Christa Whightsel.

I am a recovering liar.

It has been an hour since my last lie.

I will lie, and I will tell the truth.

But I will not allow the lie to become the truth.

Follow this journey on RSD/CRPS Doesn’t Own Me.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Image via Thinkstock.

Originally published: September 30, 2016
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