You're Not the Only One Who's Having Trouble Getting Through Your To-Do List
Editor's Note
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Life can be hard â thereâs no denying that.
But for the past few weeks, life has felt especially overwhelming, and we all know why.
When I first heard of âThe Virus That Shall Not Be Named,â like most people, I wasnât too concerned. I mean, news of a widespread virus isnât a new thing. A few years ago, there was Ebola, and a few years before that, there was the swine flu. While these viruses certainly affected a lot of people, everyday life wasnât impacted for many â thatâs what I thought would happen with the coronavirus (COVID-19), the new viral strain in the coronavirus family that affects the lungs and respiratory system.
Boy oh boy, was I wrong.
By March, everything went to shit. As the virus began to spread rapidly through the U.S., hospitals flooded with an influx of sick patients, plans weâd been looking forward to for months, even years, were canceled and places felt like ghost towns, as many business owners were forced to close their doors.
As a senior in college, I found myself in a whiplash-like state of mind. When I had left for spring break, I thought Iâd be coming back to school with another two months before I had to say goodbye, but that wouldnât be the case. Campus events were canceled, classes were moved online and a place I had learned to call âhomeâ was closed â everything I had known for the past two years was gone in just a few days.
I was anxious, and most of all, in disbelief. âThis isnât happening,â I thought. âThis is the plot of a dystopian young adult novel. This isnât real life.â
Overwhelmed with emotions, I did what I normally do when everything Iâm feeling or thinking becomes too much to keep inside â I popped in my earbuds, blasted âsad girl hoursâ on Spotify and opened up my journal, but I couldnât write. I stared at the blank page like I was SpongeBob when he tried to write an essay and could only write the word âTheâ â the words just wouldnât come out.
Because the truth was, I didnât know what I was feeling.
Although I was aware of everything that was happening, there was an unexplainable distance between myself, my friends and family members and the world around me. I felt disconnected from reality and, in a way, at peace. Not the kind of peace you have when youâre sitting on the beach with your friends in the summer, but rather a numbed calmness. It was like my brain said, âThereâs a lot going on right now and I feel a lot of things. Guess I just wonât feel anything at all!â
Despite being in a weird state of limbo where I felt OK but also not OK, I was determined to make quarantine my bitch. I set my alarm to go on early-morning runs, I peeled myself out of my sweats and put on jeans and I sat at my dining room table and called it âmy new work desk.â Heck, I even told myself I was going to start working on the creative projects I had been putting off for months.
Ha! I was a fool. I was hopeful, Iâll give myself that, but still a fool nonetheless.
Letâs just say my lack of motivation made working from home a bit of a challenge. While classes, my internship and my job at my collegeâs newspaper continued remotely, I couldnât find the drive to do the work, or anything that required much brain power. I started to fall behind on my work for my internship and my collegeâs newspaper, and it took me longer to actually start school assignments, let alone finish them. My environment heavily affects how productive I am, and I soon realized I just wasnât a work-from-home kind of gal.
The more I fell behind, the more guilt and anxiety I felt. Although there was a pandemic, I still had responsibilities: I had to write and edit a bunch of articles, I had to continue doing work for my internship and, most importantly, I had to start applying for âbig girlâ jobs. Although commencement would now be virtual, I was still graduating in less than two months, and the reality of adulting was approaching quicker than I thought.
With a dozen tasks to do, I became increasingly overwhelmed. Every day, I said to myself, âI want to accomplish x, y and z today,â but only half of x would get done, while y and z would get left in the âIâll do this tomorrowâ pile (but I knew well enough things in that pile never got done).
When Iâd sit on the couch to âtake a break,â I would feel guilty for not being productive. Why was I scrolling through TikTok, bored out of my mind, when I could be doing all of the things I said I would do if I had more time? I was restless, but unmotivated, a combination that only made me more frustrated each day. I didnât know how long this funk would last or how to crawl out of it, and I hated it.
Today, things are better. Not ideal or perfect, but better.
My schedule hasnât changed that much since the start of quarantine; itâs just been a bit altered and amplified. My normal, day-to-day routine already consisted of exercising each morning, going to school or work and relaxing at night â I still do most of that, but itâs just different. Iâve traded the gym for neighborhood walks/runs, driving to campus or work for walking from my bedroom to my dining room table and only relaxing at night to relaxing almost 24/7.
Some days are harder than others, though. I have a number of family members who work in healthcare and friends whoâve been deeply affected by the virus, and it breaks my heart when I want to help but I donât know how.
I also have a lot of anxiety toward finding a job when the market is a literal shitshow. As a soon-to-be journalism graduate, the prospect of landing a job was already going to be difficult. I mean, before the virus even appeared, well-paid creative jobs that donât require a two-hour commute to NYC were rare. Now that everythingâs gone to shit, many places arenât even hiring interns (my internship was unfortunately suspended due to the pandemic), let alone full-time employees, which has made my anxiety toward job hunting go into maximum overdrive.
Now that itâs been about a month since Iâve started quarantining, I miss a lot of things: I miss walking around campus, going to a local bar and exercising at the gym; I miss eating at a restaurant, going to the store and walking on the beach with my dog; heck, I even miss fighting for a damn spot in the parking garage.
Most of all, I miss being around people. Although Iâm an introvert, this self-isolation is too much. Itâs like Iâm a phone thatâs been charging at 100 percent for the past few weeks â Iâve had more than enough alone time. Iâm charged and ready to go socialize with my friends, man.
But this is the new normal. While itâs disheartening to miss out on a lot of things, thereâs a lot Iâm grateful for, like being able to live with my family, stay connected with supportive friends and go for walks around my neighborhood when itâs warm and sunny outside.
As a senior, Iâm also grateful for the support my friends and family members have shown me. Does it suck eggs my already-brief time at my college (#transferprobz) was cut even shorter? Of course. But I am thankful for all of the highs and lows, memories and lifelong friends Iâve made within the past few years.
The fact of the matter is, life is unpredictable and uncontrollable.
We donât know how long this will last or what life will be like when itâs over, but how things are now is not how theyâll be forever. Today, itâs hard to remember what life was like before the COVID-19 pandemic, but someday, it will be over, weâll be able to reunite with our loved ones and go to the places weâve missed for weeks and life will return to normal. I donât know when that someday will come, but it will come.
For now, the best thing we can do is take it day by day, perhaps even hour by hour, as Iâve come to learn things are more manageable when theyâre in smaller, bite-sized pieces. Rather than give myself an endless to-do list each day (and inevitably feel guilty when I donât complete everything on the list), I now motivate myself by saying âOK, letâs work on x for a bit. Itâs OK if I donât finish it today, but I can try to work on it little by little each day, and thatâs good enough for me.â
Itâs also important to remember everything you go through is valid. Sometimes, I feel guilty for grieving over my senior year and graduation, when there are thousands of people dying and being overworked to the bone.
But, the thing is, what other people go through doesnât invalidate what you go through by any means. Practice gratitude for what you do have, but understand itâs OK to grieve over the rest of your senior year being âruined,â itâs OK to be upset your birthday wasnât what you expected, itâs OK to feel upset about anything, big or small.
Give yourself the room to feel what you need to feel, but donât let it overcome you entirely. Take care of your mental and physical health, but donât stress about being perfect 100 percent of the time. We are human, weâre going through a historic pandemic and itâs OK to handle things at your own pace.
Stay healthy, and just think â in a couple of decades, itâll be an interesting story to tell the grandkids.
For more on the coronavirus, check out the following stories from our community:
- 7 Things to Do If Social Distancing Is Triggering Your Depression
- How Can You Tell the Difference Between Anxiety and COVID-19 Symptoms?
- What You Should Know About Social Distancing During COVID-19Â
- 10 Face Masks People With Chronic Illness Recommend
- 6 Tips If Youâre Anxious About Being Unable to Go to Therapy Because of COVID-19
- What to Do If the Coronavirus Health Guidelines Are Triggering Your Anxiety or OCD
- Please Wash Your Hands Year-Round â Not âJustâ Because of the Coronavirus
A version of this story was originally published on Your Friend Jane.
Unpslash image by Trent Szmolnik