#Battle with my mind
I'm new to this and this is a very long story, so if u don't want to read, I understand. I'm 55 and have battled with depression since I was 16. I have been on every medication out there. My Doc says I'm bipolar, ( I go crazy shopping, look for sexual encounters, and I'm married, real hyper & happy....then crash and stay in the bed for days and let my hygiene go way down hill). My sadness and crying is so bad. I have to have Ativan with me at all times. I never know when or what will trigger a breakdown. I've been thru alot, which I'm sure alot of people have. I was diagnosed with Lupus at 27. I could never have kids. I got 2 furkitties in 99'. In 2009, my Mom died of Lung Cancer. 2011, I got a 2 yr old rescue dog, 2015, my 45 yr sister calls from the ER , thinking she had a uti, and tells me she's told she's eat up with Cancer...Cervical, Stage IV. Several Dr.s told her there's no use in treatments. Just Hospice. But she tried. She had 2 kids, 22 & 27 now. The treatments burnt her up. The last month she just laid in Hospice, got to 80lbs and begged the nurses to kill her. Her skin turned black, her gums receded from her gumline... and she kept begging for a mirror. This is a woman that won Beauty Pageants all her life. I will never get the picture of how she looked out of my mind. I've been to counseling. They say I have Survivors Guilt. She passed away May 2016. In Dec. 2016 my girl kitty died. She was 15. The next month, January 17', I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. Dec. 17' my boy kitty dies. Then to top it all off, my little rescue dog was attacked by my neighbors dog last September while I was walking her on a leash in our yard. My dog was 19 lbs. That dog- 120 lbs Wolf/Malamute. Pulled my dog out of my arms. So now I no longer have her.
I have battled with the thoughts of suicide, and asking God why I'm still here when my sister had kids. I'm married and have 2 stepsons, but as far as blood relatives, I'm blessed to still have my 85 yr old dad, my niece and nephew. But my dad just had a cancerous tumor removed from his bladder....
I finally saw a Pharmacologist to help with my medication since I tried everything. I dont want to take something to make me gain weight. He did do a Gene Test, MTHFR-- Something to do with folic acid and anti-depressants and the way your body metabolizes them, and I tested positive for the Gene. I now take a medication called Deplin for that.
Very long story short. I can't list, watch or see anything sad or slow music. I come unglued. The one thing that gets me out of my funk is just get in my car and play Pitbull or any upbeat dance music. At my age, I even went got my Zumba instructors License. If anyone has read this all the way thru and has breakdowns and cries like I do, let me know what medication or combination of medicine you take. I'm on 300 mg of Bupropion, 75 mg of Venlfexamine 3 times a day and the Deplin and 1 mg at night for sleep. Any advice would be helpful