Cancer

I don’t know what to do, I moved out here for my safety from the city I lived in. I lost so many people including all of my friends since childhood, family members, and comfort in my own home with neighbors going out of their way to harass me and my dog when I’d let her out in the yard. My neighbor’s sister’s kids would antagonize my dog (I don’t prefer that but I don’t hold anything against them since they’re just kids) but then she more than once threatened to kick my dog in her own gate because she “Didn’t want that little mf-er to mess with her kids.” When they’d reach their hands over the gate to touch her and my dog absolutely loves people (shin-tzu Maltese or Yorkie mix). She never gotten aggressive and she prefers people strongly over other dogs, especially loves new people. The final time I told her she will not hurt my dog. That escalated to a almost passive back and forth between the my two neighbors (husband and wife) and I. My parents instead of having my back at the time pushed me out. They now say they didn’t realize what they were doing and wished for me to come home. But I already switched all of my information to New Jersey. Since being here, the neighbors here in my boyfriend’s home do not like me. I’ve waived to them and say good morning every time I see them, they ignore me and talk to my boyfriend and his mom. It’s clear to them it’s racial but I honestly do not know how to handle that. On top of, dealing with medical practices that quickly assume I’m aggressive when I get scared or upset at anything. And no matter what my boyfriend and his mom says (they are both white as well), I feel like a monster out here. It’s hard to believe it’s “them” and not me. I don’t yell or attack anyone as I’m afraid of being ganged up on. But when I get accused it throws me into a panic. And no matter how much I express “My frustration is mainly with myself and that I’m just scared, I never went through medical issues like this before.” They double down and further dismiss me, even hanging up in midst of me hyperventilating. I hurt myself because I feel so alone sometimes and it just makes me hate myself more. I’m not a black person that hates my culture, but I feel disadvantaged out here vs, the city I’m from. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m not going to live a good or long life out here. I imagine having a heart attack in public and nobody helping because they think somehow I’m being aggressive towards them. I’m not used to being accused of this at all. If anything I’m used to being told to speak up more and my voice “matters.” I think it doesn’t matter if the majority is white and think my voice is better shut off. So I shut myself off. Just to go to the hospital for stomach issues and they see my arm and ask if I have intentions to harm anyone else. I’ve never been in a physical altercation since elementary school (as that’s when I started to take my frustrations out on myself since I could not win against a group of boys attacking me almost every day). My extended family abandoned me because my mom was with them and fell out and was rushed to the hospital, she called me to tell me and said someone laughed at her when she fell. I got worried and started asking “Who?” And what hospital so my dad and I could come up there. Her niece snatched the phone from her and told her I needed to “chill” it’s “not that deep” and “I’m bringing stress to my mom.” My mom is in the background and I hear her saying “No why are you saying that.” But she sounded so weak, and has cardiomyopathy so I was scared she was there for her heart. She’s had multiple heart attacks throughout my life that my father and I are on high alert for her over the years. After that my uncles passed the phone around yelling at me, then her niece again, to which my brother told me to hang up because they have no care in the world. Luckily my dad went to pick her up, and when she got home she tried to re explain. This is before the dynamic between neighbors and I gotten worse. My old friends honestly thought because I was the one friend that valued friendship over so many other facets of life, along with the violent experiences with boys I had as a child, that I truly hated men. So when I found my boyfriend, they called me a hypocrite along with repeating that I only do nice things “to make up for my sh***y life.” Along with my other friend comparing my aunts death to her aunt who died years before she was born but she would have dreams about her and felt connected to her. When my aunt passed (who I found out about a day before she passed because she told my mom not to tell me because I lost wind for a moment when I saw how weak she was from the cancer during her final days) it devastated me as the day I lost wind, after wards she called me in the room, asked me to lay with her, and held me tight and broke down that she was scared and didn’t want to die. And I’m such a idiot that didn’t know she was dying that I told her that she will be okay because we all love her and will not let anything happen to her and that she’s not going to die she’s going to live a long beautiful life. I feel so stupid to this day. I regret saying it and it eats at me. When I tried to vent to my remaining friend, she started to get frustrated with me because that day she learned about her aunt and how that aunt was the black sheep and that’s why she kept coming to her dreams and she was grieving her. And how could I not understand that or recognize her spiritual connection. I wasn’t trying to take away from her pain, but I just lost my aunt who I was incredibly close with. She wasn’t a perfect woman by far, but she was one of my closest relatives. The other ones outside of my parents, passed away, including cousins I was close to who were close to my age. My aunt was the last one. I am grateful to have my mom, dad, and my half-brother. I’m grateful to have my boyfriend and his family who supports and love me just as much as I love and support them. But when I step outside here in South Jersey, I feel like an absolute monster. When I try to go to doctors out here, certain staff treats me like I’m trying to make things hard on them the moment I ask any questions. And if they come off dismissive or aggressive and I get upset, I get accused of aggression. Even when I oftentimes walk away as I fear standing up for myself because I don’t want to be accused of aggression and actually maybe am coming off stern which can be translated as aggression. I feel so alone, I feel so scared, my parents live home in the state I’m from. I don’t know what to do out here. Can’t make friends, my boyfriend keeps telling me it’s not me it’s them, and I should trust that if it were truly me he would say that. I just find it hard to believe because they are oftentimes nicer to him or his mom. I never felt so insecure racially until I moved out here. I don’t know where else to go because I made the stupid mistake of filing for SSI… listening to family. Now I am stuck on SSI off of the basis that there’s no job for me in the national economy. I hate that trauma and anxiety and stress has affected so much. Now I’m having GI issues from all the stress, my GI doctor and primary care doctor keeps telling me I have to lower my stress but I don’t know how to out here. Even grocery shopping in Brooklawn I feel like a parasite. Like I’m up to something. But I have no criminal record, never been on drugs, only violence I’ve committed is towards myself in the dark, I hide it because of how embarrassed I am. But I don’t know what to do… but truly be angry at myself. Everyone else just makes me feel deeply sad, and discouraged. I’m not asking for validation that it’s not me it’s them, I have that enough from my boyfriend, parents, and therapist. I guess… I just want more faith that it gets better. Maybe someone relates, or lives in the area and can affirm that’s not the case, maybe I’m going to or live in the wrong area? #CPTSD #Anxiety