Battle

Read if you will.. or don't.
The struggle seems endless. Every day another #Battle .. I #Wakeup only to fight myself not to go back to #Sleep then I lay awake and #fight my way through the day. I live with my boyfriend, and every now and again he reminds me by saying things like he provides a roof over my kids' heads.
I had a home. I let it go for him.
I have a never-ending student loan debt, and Im unable to work because of the severety of my multiple illnesses.
I feel like I'm at a loss.
How do I get ahead if I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other?
I often want to leave but I have no where to go, and I was reminded of this the last time I stormed out at 3am in the cold northern weather.
I know there are far worst things going on in the world right now but I can't catch my breath. I want to provide stability for my kids but I barely have enough for myself.
It's hard. But I'm told to keep fighting and that it will be worth it.

Today was a chat. Not any kind of random chat where you giggle at the most silliest of moments but a reality check chat. It was the C talk! I didn't feel it was going to go well.... Well why would it as I knew just from what the topic was it was going to be horrible. I have so much support handed to me which is great to battle the C I need a army but at times I wish I could single handle the C on it's on. I'm very lucky! The question is........ Why do I wish to fight this alone? Why do I push those closest away? Why does my heart feel it is about to jump and leap onto my lap?

As a kid you were my biggest inspiration, regardless of countless promises broken and the sadness I left unspoken I still naively looked up to you. As a kid I thought you had won the battle of addiction but really you just got better at hiding it.

I was your biggest fan. I watched you jump from man to man but yet I still had so much respect for you. I told everyone they were wrong that it was no longer drugs you do. You see mum I had so much faith in you. I use stay awake at night and cry because I was scared that one day you were going to die and I couldn't understand why. Why you would choose drugs over your children...

But mum at only 10 i realised that you were still letting me down I no longer had that same 5 year old frown, I was over it. Over you, over loving you, over wondering what I was suppose to do because I no longer cared.
Mum you lost your biggest fan.
You lost a little girl that loved you dear, a little girl who soothed your fears and would wipe your tears, who loved you regardless of how long it was between seeing you, whether it be months or years.
I now no longer have that same emotion towards you.
And I'm sorry if that hurts you.
But I guess the empty promises you broke cut much deeper than I had ever spoke.
I'm now 22 mum, and I guess in someways you're still an inspiration.
You inspire me to be nothing like you, and to ensure I do everything I need to do and when I have a child they'll be my biggest fan just like I was for you.

#drugaddiction #Drugs #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #brokenrelationship #struggle #Battle #Addiction #alone

That voice that is truly cruel to you (to the point where it can be terrifying) when you’re having an episode/attack or even just doing nothing?
Mine is Cora the C word, after one of the main villains from the show once upon a time

I'm new to this and this is a very long story, so if u don't want to read, I understand. I'm 55 and have battled with depression since I was 16. I have been on every medication out there. My Doc says I'm bipolar, ( I go crazy shopping, look for sexual encounters, and I'm married, real hyper & happy....then crash and stay in the bed for days and let my hygiene go way down hill). My sadness and crying is so bad. I have to have Ativan with me at all times. I never know when or what will trigger a breakdown. I've been thru alot, which I'm sure alot of people have. I was diagnosed with Lupus at 27. I could never have kids. I got 2 furkitties in 99'. In 2009, my Mom died of Lung Cancer. 2011, I got a 2 yr old rescue dog, 2015, my 45 yr sister calls from the ER , thinking she had a uti, and tells me she's told she's eat up with Cancer...Cervical, Stage IV. Several Dr.s told her there's no use in treatments. Just Hospice. But she tried. She had 2 kids, 22 & 27 now. The treatments burnt her up. The last month she just laid in Hospice, got to 80lbs and begged the nurses to kill her. Her skin turned black, her gums receded from her gumline... and she kept begging for a mirror. This is a woman that won Beauty Pageants all her life. I will never get the picture of how she looked out of my mind. I've been to counseling. They say I have Survivors Guilt. She passed away May 2016. In Dec. 2016 my girl kitty died. She was 15. The next month, January 17', I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. Dec. 17' my boy kitty dies. Then to top it all off, my little rescue dog was attacked by my neighbors dog last September while I was walking her on a leash in our yard. My dog was 19 lbs. That dog- 120 lbs Wolf/Malamute. Pulled my dog out of my arms. So now I no longer have her.
I have battled with the thoughts of suicide, and asking God why I'm still here when my sister had kids. I'm married and have 2 stepsons, but as far as blood relatives, I'm blessed to still have my 85 yr old dad, my niece and nephew. But my dad just had a cancerous tumor removed from his bladder....
I finally saw a Pharmacologist to help with my medication since I tried everything. I dont want to take something to make me gain weight. He did do a Gene Test, MTHFR-- Something to do with folic acid and anti-depressants and the way your body metabolizes them, and I tested positive for the Gene. I now take a medication called Deplin for that.
Very long story short. I can't list, watch or see anything sad or slow music. I come unglued. The one thing that gets me out of my funk is just get in my car and play Pitbull or any upbeat dance music. At my age, I even went got my Zumba instructors License. If anyone has read this all the way thru and has breakdowns and cries like I do, let me know what medication or combination of medicine you take. I'm on 300 mg of Bupropion, 75 mg of Venlfexamine 3 times a day and the Deplin and 1 mg at night for sleep. Any advice would be helpful
#cryallthetime

Today I almost didn’t get out of bed. But then as the time got closer and closer to when I was supposed to be to work, the anxiety kicked in and I panicked. I still didn’t shower because I just couldn’t bring myself to, instead I put on more deodorant, dry shampoo, fresh clothes, and tons of body spray. I hope nobody notices my greasy hair and leftover makeup...

I got in my car to drive to work, speeding because I was late. Should have gotten out of bed earlier... the whole drive I had to talk myself out of running into the cars in front of me, try to quiet the thoughts of wishing I would get hit by a semi, wishing something would kill me on my way to work...

I pull into the parking garage and break into tears, I don’t even know why! Frustrated at myself I wipe off the tears and mascara, and walk into work, as if nothing has happened and I’m a normal, happy, healthy person...

Today is hard, I’m on the verge of tears for no reason. But the reality is, this happens almost every day. Every day is a fight just to function!!! And it’s utterly exhausting! Those who haven’t suffered with mental illness don’t fully understand the amount of effort it takes just to live, just to go one more hour, just to survive. They say we’re fragile, sensitive, weak... they don’t understand.

If you live with mental illness, you fight the worst demons every day. And there is no escape because they are in your head! That right there is strength! That right there takes an unreal amount of courage! The choice to keep fighting every day is not easy, but we do it, we fight, one day at a time. And we are warriors!

So today is a hard day for me, it’s pretty common, but I am choosing to keep fighting. Choose to keep fighting, and together we can beat the demons in our heads!