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When Depression Always Seems to Win Your Daily Battles Against It

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Depression. My arch-nemesis. My ultimate foe. My downfall. I have bipolar disorder (I have been diagnosed as bipolar II most recently, but some professionals have said bipolar I … who knows which is correct). And the majority of the time, I struggle most with my depression.

Depression takes over my life when it hits. I can’t do anything but sit and stare… maybe scroll through Facebook or Instagram. And sleep. Boy, do I sleep when I’m depressed. Just yesterday, I slept all afternoon until 7 p.m. and was back in bed by 7:30 p.m. for the night.

And I do try to fight my depression. I do meditation techniques. I also journal quite a bit. I try to get up and do things, like a chore a day. The most I can sometimes do is a load of laundry or dishes, which does little to catch up with the piles that accumulate when I’m depressed.

My depression always seems to win these daily battles. I don’t feel as though I can ever get a leg up or an advantage over my depressive symptoms. I just fall into a hole and I wait until a ladder appears to climb back out.

In other words, I have to ride out my depression and just let it happen because no matter what I do to counter it, my depression always wins.

The only advantage I have over my depression is that I still manage to go to therapy and psychiatry appointments even when I’m depressed. And the fact that I am able to do this one thing for myself even in the throes of depression tells me that there is still hope for me.

I can keep working to figure out how to fight this disorder. I can get through another day. Another week. Another month until my mood shifts, and I am back to being “me” again. I haven’t found meds that work for me yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. I haven’t tried some other treatment options yet like electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). There are still things out there that might make a difference in my ability to function.

So even though right now I am in the midst of another battle with my depression, I see a sliver of hope. A tiny light, like a pinprick, off in the distance. And if I can just make it through another second, minute, hour, day, then I can survive this depression until it is over.

And even though it seems like my depression always wins, I am still here. And that tells me that even if depression is winning some of the daily battles, I am winning the war.

Photo by Jason Yoder on Unsplash

Originally published: January 18, 2021
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