Bipolar 2 Disorder

So. It’s been some time since I visited. I have been experiencing increased anxiety and stress prior to leaving for work. So much, that it makes me physically ill (because I have been ruminating all night about how my day will go). I realize how unhealthy this is and signed up for our local partial hospitalization program for two weeks. I am now in week 2 and will be discharged from program Friday. Even though I am in therapy every other week, I did not realize how debilitating it was getting for me to even function at work. The PHP has been a great reminder of CBT and coping skills. A few I feel confident to utilize when I am suffering a mental crisis. I’m thankful I participated in the program, for work related reasons. I work in healthcare, but don’t always take care of myself as I should. As we direct our patients.

I have also been speaking to my therapists regarding my bipolar II rapid cycling diagnosis. I believe when I was diagnosed, I met the criteria. Fast forward 20 years later, I’m not so sure I fit that criteria as my manic episodes are more “fleeing moments,” and very short lived because I am cognizant when I feel I am “starting to slip.” I am more creature of habit, routine and when either is thrown off balance, it is difficult for me to adjust. I have a couple OCD tendencies, as well. And, a different personality. It takes me a very long time to trust someone. I more observe than participate, at times. Start to disassociate when I am under an extreme amount of stress. Sigh. I don’t know what that labels me, but I don’t believe it is bipolar II.

Good to be here with likeminded people who might have insight. I welcome any and all! Thank you for reading. #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #workrelatedstress #PTSD #Bipolar2

So. It’s been some time since I visited. I have been experiencing increased anxiety and stress prior to leaving for work. So much, that it makes me physically ill (because I have been ruminating all night about how my day will go). I realize how unhealthy this is and signed up for our local partial hospitalization program for two weeks. I am now in week 2 and will be discharged from program Friday. Even though I am in therapy every other week, I did not realize how debilitating it was getting for me to even function at work. The PHP has been a great reminder of CBT and coping skills. A few I feel confident to utilize when I am suffering a mental crisis. I’m thankful I participated in the program, for work related reasons. I work in healthcare, but don’t always take care of myself as I should. As we direct our patients.

I have also been speaking to my therapists regarding my bipolar II rapid cycling diagnosis. I believe when I was diagnosed, I met the criteria. Fast forward 20 years later, I’m not so sure I fit that criteria as my manic episodes are more “fleeing moments,” and very short lived because I am cognizant when I feel I am “starting to slip.” I am more creature of habit, routine and when either is thrown off balance, it is difficult for me to adjust. I have a couple OCD tendencies, as well. And, a different personality. It takes me a very long time to trust someone. I more observe than participate, at times. Start to disassociate when I am under an extreme amount of stress. Sigh. I don’t know what that labels me, but I don’t believe it is bipolar II.

Good to be here with likeminded people who might have insight. I welcome any and all! Thank you for reading. #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #workrelatedstress #PTSD #Bipolar2

Sometimes I wonder if the pain ever subsides. I was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago, Bipolar II 5 years ago and GAD 11 years ago.

Is not like I’m not getting better. I am. I am a lot better than even 6 years ago. When I found this psychiatrist, it was like a complete 180°. I went from three hospitalizations a year to one. I am aiming for 0 next year. The self-harm has significantly gone down. I was self-harm free for almost 3 years. I had a relapse earlier this year but have been self-harm free for 6 months coming up in 6 days now. I am so glad I’m working with her, but the thing is that this doesn’t just simply disappear.

The funny thing is that I was conducting some research about whether or not BPD ever goes away. Some reliable sources like Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins, and Harvard hold to the traditional view that it’s a treatable and manageable lifelong condition. Other sources, reliable as well, say that it’s treatable, not curable, but a remitting disorder.

I don’t know how I feel about any of that. I wish I never had BPD in the first place, but since I have it and will deal with symptoms to some degree always (whether I’m above or below diagnostic threshold), I find it dismissive to say that BPD remits, or that “you no longer have it.” I feel like if I deal with symptoms and still struggle to some degree, then no one should take away the label that explained and validated my experience since I was a young teen. Does this happen to anyone?

I talked to my therapist about it. It is true that I identify with the disorder so much that it’s almost like I let it run my entire life. I don’t want that and I don’t want to be the BPD girl. That’s for sure. My therapist asked me questions that I couldn’t really answer, like what are the benefits of keeping the label. I couldn’t properly explain where I was coming from but since we talked and we tried to separate me from the disorder, I’ve come to realize that I’m much bigger than BPD symptoms. Yes, I might struggle, but that doesn’t mean I can’t build a life worth living.

Something that drove me to realize this was seeing a young man on Instagram. He had three fingers on his right hand and one on his left, yet he was playing piano. No excuses. I play piano. It’s hard to play with 10 fingers, so I can only imagine how hard it is to do it with only 4. So I thought, if he is not letting his disability hold him back from doing the things he likes and wants to do, why should I let my disorder dictate what I can or can’t do?

I want to continue being myself. I am a highly sensitive individual, like most, if not all, people with BPD. Being highly sensitive can be such a powerful quality. I just want to be me whether the label stays or goes.

Please share your experiences with this topic, please.

Hi, my name is AdmirableClam6209. I'm looking for info on Bipolar 2.

#MightyTogether