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Why I Tell You ‘I’m Fine,’ but Not the Truth of My Suicidal Thoughts

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Having someone ask “how are you” or “how have you been doing lately” is an almost daily occurrence. It’s polite. It’s expected. It can be a question or a greeting. It can be said as a rhetorical, passing statement or it can be a genuine question, asked with the intention of receiving a genuine answer.

Some people can answer without thought or hesitation. True to my awkward nature, I struggle with this question. I panic and freeze. Do I just smile and keep walking? Do I give them a generic “good thanks, you?” or do I give them a genuine response? Just trying to interpret the meaning of the question is hard enough for some of us.

Even after going through the panic of trying to interpret what they mean, I’m still probably going to answer with “fine thanks, you?” Not because I don’t want to tell the truth. I’m not ashamed of who I am or the struggles I live with. It’s not because I don’t want to share a piece of my heart or mind with you because I’d be happy to.

I’m going to tell you “I’m fine” because I don’t have the words to tell you I’m not.

I say “I’m fine” because I know each greeting is not a therapy session.

I say “I’m fine” because I don’t want to be a “burden.”

I say “I’m fine” because I know that people can see that I’m not and I’m scared that if I add to that by saying I’m not fine I’ll be labeled a “downer.”

I say “I’m fine” because it’s all relative. I mean, I woke up. I’m alive. I probably don’t want to be either of those, but I am, and that seems to be fine by some people’s standards.

I say “I’m fine” because if I tell you how I really feel or what I was really thinking, you would drop everything you are doing and call emergency services, but that’s my “normal,” not an emergency.

I say “I’m fine” because if I told you what was going on inside of me, I believe you would be scarred for life.

I say “I’m fine” because I know there is nothing you could say or do to help me, so why bring you down with me?

I’m going to tell you “I’m fine” because I don’t want you to worry.

I’m going to tell you “I’m fine” because otherwise, I’d be telling you I’m not fine nearly every day.

I’m going to say “I’m fine” because it feels pointless to say anything else. I’ve lost hope. Saying “I’m not fine” won’t change a thing.

I could tell you that I am alive but I wished that I weren’t. I could tell you all about my suicidal thoughts, the tentative plans that I may have. I could tell you that I’ve been self-harming just to stop myself from doing anything more serious. I could tell you that I cried until 3 a.m. and then only got two hours of sleep. I could tell you of the tortures of intrusive thoughts, or the deepest, darkest moments that are my every waking hour some days, but then how could I expect you to carry on with your day? If I told you of the emotional pain so great that it hurt physically, or the anguish and despair I feel in my soul, would you not worry? Would you not carry that with you into your day?

Just because someone tells you they are “fine,” it doesn’t make it true. If someone tells you they are “fine,” it doesn’t mean they are intentionally lying to you. We don’t always know how to answer that question. We have lost hope. We don’t necessarily have the words. But mostly, we are trying to spare you. Some days we feel like we can’t live with the pain so we certainly don’t want to share that pain with those around us.

Photo by Taylor Wright on Unsplash

Originally published: March 30, 2021
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