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I Want to Live, but Depression Wants Me Dead

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

This piece was written by Vienna Adrianoa Thought Catalog contributor.

I woke up from a dream where people condemn me from my past mistakes — nothing special, nothing new. I didn’t wake up crying. It was a three-hour sleep. It has been a while since I had the luxury. There was no nightmare, lucid dreaming or sleep paralysis. I was grateful.

It was 5 in the morning; I got up as if I was still dreaming. Still, I moved. I ate breakfast, swept and mopped the floor, cleaned and fixed my things and then spent an hour in the bathroom. I loved the water so much.

Yet, I still felt empty. So, I decided to watch videos on YouTube. I stumbled upon this video that said, ‘You are not depressed’ and that I should stop “obsessing” about it. I would probably be offended on other days, but today, I just didn’t care.

Thinking about it now, it said that depression comes and go. I guess not for me. It stays — even when I don’t want it to. It stays for who knows how long. But, that does not mean I will stop functioning, breathing, living and dreaming.

I do not want to die. Depression just wants me dead. I want to live, that is why I fight it. It is what all my struggle is for: to live.

There are days I try to be productive and not think about it. I can treat myself right and seize the day. Those are the days I’m strong enough to win against it.

However, there are days I just want to stay in bed. Days I don’t bother to know which day of the week it is because I don’t want to wake up at all, anyway. Those are the days I’m strong enough— just as strong as I am when I’m productive. I’m strong enough to get by.

We face different demons in all kinds of forms. We deal with them in our own ways. How you experience depression may be different than how I experience it. But, one thing is for sure, depression does not make you any less of a person.

Tonight, I laughed because I felt so happy. I thought, “How can I be feeling like this when two nights ago, I did things I shouldn’t do?” But, that’s just the way it is sometimes. The cycle goes on.

Yes, it is tiring. These highs and lows, mood changes, days when I want to pull my hair out because my head hurts so bad or every time I punch the wall because my hands are so numb—they times are really maddening. But, I go on. And I know every day, I will. At least, I will try to.

Because I do not want to die. I do not want to die miserable.

I want to live. Please self, keep going;

This story was brought to you by Thought Catalog and Quote Catalog.

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Getty Images photo via Juliia Tochilina

Originally published: September 5, 2018
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