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How to Take Back Control from a Depression Diagnosis

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Sometimes, to have to live in this world is just too painful.

I’ve been having this thought a lot, lately. I just recently moved states and started a new job. I have a history of being terrible at transitions and to add to it, my mindset was already fractured when the move started.

Depression and anxiety have been this constant looming over my head since I was a young teenager. I thought, for a brief moment in time, I had finally succeeded in my fight against them and would be free. I don’t know if I will ever be free. I don’t know if I will ever know a life without them as my constant companions.

I wish I could put into words how it feels. Sometimes, my words come to me like a raging waterfall. Other times, my heart is heavy and I cannot find the right words to put on the page. Living with depression is like not knowing when the next thunderstorm will come. Living with depression is like not knowing when the next dark cloud will seep into every fiber of your being.

As I search for the words to put onto the page, I can say that the depression has seeped into every fiber of my being. Waking up, getting out of bed and putting on a face to go to work has drained every little bit of energy I can muster. When you struggle with depression and anxiety, you have good days and you have bad. However, when you also support yourself financially and have no choice but to wake up each day and try to keep it together, things are inevitably going to fall apart.

When it comes to my depression and anxiety, here’s what I wish I could tell them: Please stop coming by to visit. Please stop making my chest tight, my digestive system wreak havoc on my body and welling up tears in my eyes at every waking minute of the day. Please stop coming by in my life to tell me how I am not good enough, how I am not worthy, how I will never be somebody or anybody. Please stop infiltrating my thoughts with the regret of not ending my life sooner. Please stop making me feel like a failure at everything I think about, that I set my mind to, that I try day in and day out.

I don’t think I have the answers to combat these thoughts. I don’t think I know the best path forward. Sometimes I question if I am even tough enough to handle what is being thrown at me. Why me?

I think we often get caught up in our diagnoses. I wonder if there is one little thing we can do each day to not give that power to our diagnoses. I wonder if there is one little thing we can commit to each day to take back some of the power that our diagnoses have inevitably taken from us. Our diagnoses will always be there, no matter what journey life takes us on. Yet how can we not give it power? I don’t have the answer to this. I’m still fighting this battle day in, day out. There is no one size fits all answer, but I do hope you know you are not alone. Find that something that keeps you moving, no matter how small that is. You are worthy.

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

Originally published: August 24, 2021
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