Another night of no sleep because the pain won't give up.
I spend so many nights not being able to fall asleep when the meds don't help.
I tried for 2 and a half years trying to get my doctor to listen to me.
This started in 2019 with a list of things I wrote down and tried to tell my doctor.
But he insisted on only letting me talk about "the worst thing", which was diarrhea and stomach pain.
I told him that those symptoms were only one percent worse than the rest of the things on my list, but that didn't matter to him. For dozens of appointments with him, four different GI doctors, and seven emergency room visits, nobody would let me talk about anything except the stomach problems.
Dozens of tests with no idea what was going on.
After I stopped seeing my primary care doctor because he wouldn't listen, I tried four other doctors with the same result, nobody would listen to my list.
Finally, in 2014, I found a new doctor who still cares about her patients, and she listened to me and my list.
They ordered an xray of my stomach, and accidentally found a compression fracture in one of my thoracic virtabra.
Then she ordered an MRI for my thoracic portion of my spine, and saw that there are actually 3 fractured virtabra in my spine.
All of those things on my list are all connected to the same thing, including the stomach problems.
Thanks to the doctors who refused to listen, nothing can be done to fix the nerve damage in my abdomen, and the compression fractures are so bad that it will take a major surgery to fix.
But being on Medicaid, they won't do anything about it until it's a life threatening issue.
So now, I get to live with all of the terrible pain for who knows how long.
Aren't doctors who won't listen to their patients awesome?
Doctors have destroyed my quality of life because they refused to listen to me, and a psychiatrist destroyed my mental health.
What does a person do now 🤔?
Why is He not letting me die so everything stops hurting?
I pray for the exact same thing every night, but I keep waking up anyway.
What did I do to piss God off in my past lives?
When there is no quality of life, you can't live and enjoy everything life has to offer you.
I can't do anything I used to enjoy so much, so what's the point 🤷?
I can't make it end because of my youngest son and what it would do to him 😪, but I can't keep going like this anymore.
I don't want to keep going like this, I want it to end.

But, I also want to be able to live again.