exposure

Bout to start my day after our morning chitchat therapy.And ge will be home in an hour.I need to not get baited, provoked by his voice and remember who I am.He wanted me to become this demented, angry bitter person.Questioning,it,my reality while he sat there.I tried to take a picture.This isn't a matter of oh she knew so she is faking it.It is is this actually happening? I Will Never forgive them,if they did that to me,they'd do it to anyone.I used to be mandated reporter, because of principles and integrity.im ashamed for them, not me.I turned to someone I knew, sober, felt trust and, well now I know, a relationship that was in my head.He knew the daily calls, the two weeks coffees were leading.I will never forget this last two years.Their worste, shown and mine purposefully brought to the surface.Sick.

I just think about exposure therapy and lose my mind. I want to do this. I want to get better. I just do not know if I can live through it. I already want to die and I have not even started. I am not suicidal. I just think I would rather die than face that again. I will face it. I choose to face it. I just wish I could run down the street screaming and not get locked up for being nuts. I am afraid I will regress to the state I was in when I first started therapy. At that time I was losing time and unless I set an alarm when I set an appointment I would be unable to remember there was an appointment at all. I do not remember about six years. I do not want to lose any more time. How can I face this again? Facing it the first time almost destroyed me. How can I look down the barrel of that gun again? How can I go back to the time the dentist strapped me down and drilled until I was on fire? How can I even come close to the time all the fresh hatch of spiders were all over me and in my hair, my eyes, my noses, my mouth, and all over my face? How could any of that possibly help anyone? How can I allow myself to go there ever?
#MightyTogether