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GOALS#artheals #goals #remember #augistill

I have small goals, day to day goals,complicated,layered,personal goals for big goals,but https://goals.I have goals that are chores and ones that hurt me physically.
I have goals, to complete basic daily functions on time like all..My goals are mine but some were given to me, assigned till completion. Goals interrupted and goals self sabataged. Ive helped get many, to their goal, but not my goal.
The time has come for my own ambition for tomorrow will not be, fold my laundry or scrub the bathroom. My goals are talk a walk at 6am.
Drink water and take your medication.
Do not rush home,no one is waiting.
Leave this device for creative purposes https://only.You already know your way.

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I woke at 5a.m. ,three hours later and I still have the https://feeling.Tried going out but it was too cold, I https://shook.Scrolled and attempted to express but could not find an example other than overanalyzing https://it.I get being conditioned,but when it is this imbedded,wow.I can with finally say,with definate belief and understanding of the past five years, I was groomed,conditioned,watched, munipulated as well as disrespected, humiliated, underestimated and https://stalked.I was made a fool https://of.Deservingly so,I think? I was sick, in denial and having a https://breakdown.I was vulnerable, confused,delusional,sick from a brain bleed and sever https://confusion.I was desperate, alone, scared and full of https://anger.I could have walked away,but I didnt, until I had to have respect for myself,in order to go https://on.I walked away because, you werent mine to https://have.Never were and I knew I wanted too https://much.All or https://none.Too late now and I am sick, delusional and untrusting, aline for the most part but still feel https://good.I can do anything I want to try, now,And I am.

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I feel ,but I am

Today, I looked in the mirror and thought,

I feel worthless.

But I said," I am worthwhile in the things I do, say and create."

I thought, I feel like I failed.

But said, "I am tired, but I got up, and a try isn't a fail."

I thought ,I feel afraid that my situation will never change.

But said, "I am changing; it's tough, but so am I."

I thought, I feel everyone looks at me like I'm damaged.

But I said," I am taking responsibility for myself and my health so they can think whatever they want."

I thought ,I feel like I don't fit in.

But I said, "I will fit in with the right people at the right time, but first, I must fit in with me."

Remember, every thought you say to yourself matters, and the positive thoughts help you grow.

©️ words and art by April Mansilla

#art #artheals #MentalHealth #Bipolar #Depression #Recovery #wellness #ArtTherapy #Positivity #Kindness

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I am still here#artheals #CPTSD #TBI #MDD #avm

I trusted the wrong person,again.This time,I knew but took a leap.I put it aside because I saw my similarities,again.Fate and fairy-tales,matched.Lies,
again.Not from me,me, told too much truth.There are always unanswered questions.I am learning again,I can not live this cycle,even if I wanted to.I wasn't like this before 2017.I've been told it is my environment,my dna mutations,chemistry,my past,my anxiety,my hypothyroidism,my AVM and my TBI.I have few bad days and I'm personally attacked for having an episode,being sick and not going isn't easy driving because of my meds.I am not that sick in the head,needy or a scared person.Others have a version of me that is beyond imagination and all hearsay.I was vulnerable because I wanted to be.I wasn't fooled or played.I was lied to.I felt each time.I was disappointed and was never necessary.I expected a choice.I am easy prey.I trust too easy,when,I want to.People think I'm afraid or unaware.No,I see it,feel it and am a few steps ahead.I give people the space to be themselves.I won't question unless I feel it.I havent been wrong.Ive tried to explain it to the closest to me.Ive lived with the disfunction.I know munipulation.It is not necessary,if you know the other is going to actually be honest.I was looking for distance,time and healing.I am in the thick of my assessments.After being pulled back and forth,disrespected and challenged daily,I fell back into the same habits.I am feeling all the anger,mistrust and asking the same questions,again.I am going to keep getting stronger,wiser.I hope I dont was easy for them to is only one person.All of my best were thrown away.

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The truth#CPTSD #artheals #DBT #TBI #RadicalAcceptance

I'm in has kept me in a standstill.I am aware of my own actions and progress,but I am ruminating,as usual.I do the exercises,put in the work,I am trying.I have to try harder.I am considering going completely offline.I know the algorithm is only making me overthink.I am remembering.They have said,I have to start over,again.

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Shadows#artheals #PTSD #avm #meds #abandonment #BPD

Radical Acceptance...nope,not Im not there yet.I am with my employment situation but not the remaining baggage.Take accountability for what,being kept in the dark?Believing people who lie to my face and behind my back.Accept family treating you as a storyline.Sorry,no I do not accept it.I do not accept Dr.s lying or misrepresenting.I do not accept that my parent knew and never told.I won't accept being told everything is fine,when I can feel it is not.I will keep telling how I feel and I will keep asking g questions.Why and how,Im expected to face my own while others keep kicking me.And I am not playing is the sad truth.I have allowed people to lie and use me.I am too nieve.I want to think people are being honest,ecspecially when I've begged,begged, begged for honesty,they arent.I kept asking and still am given crumbs for responces. I can only be that with and for myself,from now on.I'm trying my hardest to think of others needs,but what does lying to me get anyone?

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Vday#PTSD #avm #vascularmalformations #TBI #artheals

I rarely write anymore.My paranoia took that,as I reflect.I enjoy the contrast of color in the photo,the yellow,gold against the wood.I have been in over my head before with peices but these cant come quick enough.I spent days resenting the tools,having them.Days spent,fighting to focus without being distracted by,well a speck of dust.I am exhausted,physicallyand mentally.I know the other is relieved,I feel it.

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Traumatized#artheals #CPTSD #avm #inoperable #congenitalvascularabnomalies

I am in therapy and for me,at this moment,all I can and want to handle.I know facts from delussion now,to a point.I was part of a study,unbeknownst to me,for apoximately over a has been closed,my, prospects or prognosis so to say,I am deconstructing as we speak,daily.I feel it and to be told,Im looking for attention or couldn't feel it is insulting.
I've had sever cognitive decline,noticeable to excollegues but not my closest.I do not have a circle to surround myself with.Id love to beable to collaborate with others,like me.I have a Cerebellum AVM,grade 6,inoperable due to size,a lime and location,lies deep in.After a life of trying to keep up,my heart has taken the toll,as muscles heart, has a congenital defect and irreversible damage.I was not an athlete,but I was active,extremely.I lived to go to a club and dance, to was euphoric,any music that brings out movement.My veins are small,collapsing and bleeding from micro tares under the pressure.There is no where for the pressure to go now.Whats next,who knows.Being Mindful is truly,my only treatment.Sucks when you have to try to fix a broke brain.Scarey and unsure I want to revisit this getting less and less hurting like before and am depressed.I see it.There is too much to be done and well,not enough time that I always thought I had.

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My view#artheals #avm #CPTSD #Therapy #Awareness

I need to change my view.I hadn't looked up in a couple months.Im ñot feeling this.I have too many items on my shelf and too many things hanging around.Every where I look.I know each peice.Where it belongs.Where to put it.It still stays.
Some things are only around because I had no where to put them,other people can see them,they aren't hidden but not within eyes view.Every item is significantly a part of who I am.They are objects.Not people.They hold memories for me.Most happy ones, so they stay.Tangible peices.I can feel the memories holding and looking at them.I won't be reminded... if they're All.

Out of sight,out of mind is exasperated in my mind.A coping strategy from too early of an age. With people not things.I love,my memories from my things.As do others.
I attatch my life to objects around me for my comfort.Does it bring joy? Then it stays.If it provokes pain and will not be displayed.Put it away! It Doesn't belong here!It is packed,boxed away securely...unless, I want it shown.I am not a hoarder.I do not purchase or over collect.They were all given,lovely memories.The people leave behind peices but they never stay or I never stay.There is always something left behind....that needs to be put away.


Lost a friend I adored #PTSD #artheals #Reflection #apoligized #trees #wrongwords #avm #congenital #calm

I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of enemies would never say those things.
Instead of expressing how he felt and is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no one is spared in his rage towards me.

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