I had reached out immediately after finding out in the beginning of being sick.I had confided in only a couple people.it did not take very long,for that to be turned into a nervous breakdown,they decided.Yes,I could of had one,but no,this was something else,much worse.I still only have a couple people who know why.I learned Tuesday, its for the best.Sometimes family cant be your support because they are the problem.The pressure falls on one person to carry the other.I know I have that person,I hope I can return the act.
I was called and told my brother in law died.A curtisy call,literally.
We loved him.My husband and I were voted off the island,out of the family,for having boundaries.We were never called when he became sick,a year ago.My husband thought of my brother in laws as friends at a point.The three men stuck with the three women,who came from a narcissist parent.Three strong men who protect.But between the men,someone should have called him.How do you show support for people who are not there for your own?We did nothing wrong.We are shocked hurt and are already dealing with too much ourselves.I know the stages of grief, anger is one,, that is easy,too easy. I feel empathy and compassion for them,but they deliberately hurt my family,for nothing other than them teaching me a lesson.it is sad.They truly do not have any self awareness,accountability or excuse now.Patterns of behavior,true ones shine under stress and death.They came out for all to see here.I am not the same person they thought they could manipulate again.im very angry,someone should have told us.And I will no longer hold or hide their shame or baggage.I am my own,they are not me,I will never understand them,but Im learning that is not mine,to understand anyway.They are not in my life,they never were,they never wanted to be and this idea,or dream,that one day, I truly believed it,the fantasy of having a true genuine relationship with these people,only to be more disappointed,pushed aside,lied to and well forgotten and dismissed.It has been my whole life, I'd keep going back, thinking it would be different, never has been.id show up,extend the olive branch,never mattered.I wish I could be the one they call, theyve never tried.I have zero core memories that bring joy when reflecting on my past relationships with my family.They had no interest in being a part of our lives.To call me when one dies, knowing they had been sick,to not give us opportunity to say goodbye.Its wrong, selfish and typical of all of them.Takes away all the good memories of him.
Everything is on my mind,racing,hypotheticals and sand castles I call them.I spent the last four hours gardening, it never stopped. I'm stopping,sitting trying to reset this maze of misfires.I am in between anger and restlessness.On edge,have taken my pills,waiting to settle.I feel it now,progress and thats the most aweful sensation.I'm waiting, sitting, I'll be good in a minute,then here again in twenty to thirty minutes,over again.I'll be back to read this in a month, lately thats been one of my issues, loss time and not remembering Remember,you're doing your best and doing what is good for you.Appreciate where you are and where you can go.