artheals

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    Traumatized#artheals #CPTSD #avm #inoperable #congenitalvascularabnomalies

    I am in therapy and for me,at this moment,all I can and want to handle.I know facts from delussion now,to a point.I was part of a study,unbeknownst to me,for apoximately over a year.it has been closed,my, case.my prospects or prognosis so to say,I am deconstructing as we speak,daily.I feel it and to be told,Im looking for attention or couldn't feel it is insulting.
    I've had sever cognitive decline,noticeable to excollegues but not my closest.I do not have a circle to surround myself with.Id love to beable to collaborate with others,like me.I have a Cerebellum AVM,grade 6,inoperable due to size,a lime and location,lies deep in.After a life of trying to keep up,my heart has taken the toll,as muscles too.my heart, has a congenital defect and irreversible damage.I was not an athlete,but I was active,extremely.I lived to go to a club and dance, to move.it was euphoric,any music that brings out movement.My veins are small,collapsing and bleeding from micro tares under the pressure.There is no where for the pressure to go now.Whats next,who knows.Being Mindful is truly,my only treatment.Sucks when you have to try to fix a broke brain.Scarey and unsure I want to revisit this again.im getting less and less sleep.im hurting like before and am depressed.I see it.There is too much to be done and well,not enough time that I always thought I had.

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    My view#artheals #avm #CPTSD #Therapy #Awareness

    I need to change my view.I hadn't looked up in a couple months.Im ñot feeling this.I have too many items on my shelf and too many things hanging around.Every where I look.I know each peice.Where it belongs.Where to put it.It still stays.
    Some things are only around because I had no where to put them,other people can see them,they aren't hidden but not within eyes view.Every item is significantly a part of who I am.They are objects.Not people.They hold memories for me.Most happy ones, so they stay.Tangible peices.I can feel the memories holding and looking at them.I won't be reminded... if they're gone.at All.

    Out of sight,out of mind is exasperated in my mind.A coping strategy from too early of an age. With people not things.I love,my memories from my things.As do others.
    I attatch my life to objects around me for my comfort.Does it bring joy? Then it stays.If it provokes pain and hurt.it will not be displayed.Put it away! It Doesn't belong here!It is packed,boxed away securely...unless, I want it shown.I am not a hoarder.I do not purchase or over collect.They were all given,lovely memories.The people leave behind peices but they never stay or I never stay.There is always something left behind....that needs to be put away.

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    Starting to see#CPTSD #artheals #avm #mutations

    I was with a provider that never took the time to explain my diagnosis or prognosis.My husband was told to take me as is or

    Could be much worse type of comment. To say we were left in the dark by the doctors is an understatement.The technicians and nursing staff are informative.The insurance company has given us the actual diagnosis.They have let us know there are many services available.When I question for what...they aren't to sure what to say.They realized we are in the dark.Anything can happen.Another block basically.With the mutations effecting my vascular system and my nervous system,it is a daily juggling act if what now.I've learned my mind lies to me alot.im recognizing g when that happens and how to bri g myself back.I can easily go backwards.it is not my fault Im like this.This is not my doing or lack of doing something.An assault catapulted the AVM.Multiple concussions and gene mutations have caused defects throughout.I can stop asking why,clinically.My lifes choices did not help.I am learning three years later,how it has affected my spouse and son.The guilt is only starting to appear at random times.I am no longer asking why.I understand my actions and reactions towards my family are never going to be resolved by them.I can not change my past.I am getting strong enough to look at it,with the mindfulness Im gaining with support of therapy.im tired of not living.I am learning a slow pace is my life.I no longer multitask.I cannot carry,push or pull.I cannot climb or walk fast.I cannot handle more than one person talking or background conversation.I have to slow down.it is no longer a choice.The sleeping will be the key.When I stop sleeping,that is our sign.Things are blocked,I need to breath slower, deeper and use my tools.I feel bad for the ones who didn't want to know whats happening with us.We are strong.im very proud of us for getting this far.I know its only the beginning.Im more prepared emotionally.And gratefully blessed to have the support I do.I forget.I wish people could understand.

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    Lost a friend I adored #PTSD #artheals #Reflection #apoligized #trees #wrongwords #avm #congenital #calm

    I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change plans.fit me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he say.it took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood on.to a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and intent.it is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
    project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I show.my silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A loyalty.love of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of anger.my enemies would never say those things.
    Instead of expressing how he felt and why.it is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a lie.it shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no win.no one is spared in his rage towards me.

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    Do not understand.#CPTSD ,#avm #artheals

    I have been told, by a case worker, with our insurance provider,a diagnosis I was unaware of.This isn't the first time.I was told by the neurosurgeonsRN called me to tell me size and severity of my AVM prior to knowing I had one.I was told I had claustrophobia after having a seperate surgeon ask for general anesthesia for me.That is still in my chart.I am exhausted of not knowing the truth.my husband doubts anything unless he gears it himself.He won't speak about it without it turning into an argument.An argument over the multiple diagnosis.I can remember when he'd say..I thought it was so n so.Last visit you said it was this.Now your saying this.Ive been actually advocating for myself.Told tonight that I go on and on and on.I had only spoke for less than 5 minutes.no screaming or calling names.Calm.Shocked at his lack of reaction.His accusing look and tone.T hat things are sarcastically implied.Jabs and stares that are defensive and too much for me.I need to express myself.It is not my problem if the person Im talking to cant handle their emotions.Im not keeping mine in anymore.When Im pushed.I react.Why am I wrong for pushing back?When I was asking for reassurance, all you did was fight.

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    Assessments. #artheals #CPTSD

    I'm confused and ashamed.How could I not know.The day started fine.I will reread this, as the others and try to figure what am I referring to?I swear if I don't know,then there is a major issue with me.I started group.I don't know how I feel about it.I feel played.I know thats strange to think.it is being aware of the paranoia and mistrust.Id rather go along nieve as a child.I understand the fractured personality.I can't say from what.I know I can do more.

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    Group#artheals #PTSD #Anxiety #BPD #avm

    I miss my Grandfather.He helped me make this for his pond.I spend a couple summers there with him.Everyday gardening,fixing and building things.He was teaching me to be self sufficient for a girl without a father.He taught me more than I ever recognized.Even at his passing, I only then realized he had been the one constant man in my life.He was a good man.He was patient with me and let me love him.He let me be affectionate with him.Hugs when needed.Sitting in his chair with him eating ice cream.Him being the first I told when I was to deliver. He was one floor above me in the hospital, prostate cancer.He was discharged that day.But came down to my room.one of my favorite memories of him.He met William.Within a month he passed.I miss him.

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    The same#artheals #ptsd#avm #SAH #Support

    It has been over two years now.Maybe three.A year of misdiagnosis and a year of splitting.I am now starting group.im doing too much.I have few moments of non-intrusive thoughts Physically,Im hanging in there.The headaches are more direct and lingering,my balance is off.Ive been driving but it is difficult to keep focus for long.I feel like I should be further along mentally.As if I'm going to snap back.I still have too much to unpack.I feel this never ending doom.A defeat.Last week I was running on adrenaline and hope.I know I have the power to create my own thoughts.My mind is too tired.I tired.im already pretending I'm good so others can move on.im certain he believes its going to go back to the way it was and it can not.I am missing the way it used to be,I suppose.Then I realize, that was four years ago.I don't know what happened after a certain point.There was a breaking point and I cant remember it,still.Im afraid I will always be trying to remember.it is suffocating and lonely.

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    LIES #artheals #PTSD #SAH #Hypothyroid #avm

    I began treatment for my ptsd.I am not liking this way of therapy.in front of strangers.I don't feel right being there.I have a background in behavior.I am too analytical,why I'm in therapy to begin with.I am to the point of no trust again.The doctors put me in a position where I cant leave the therapy.They lie constantly.Im tired of it.My life is surrounded by lies.My so called friends,was 2, now down to one,my son,my husband.All because they say I won't accept it or I will be too sensitive.I won't break.I'll move on as I always have.How hard is that to get.I'm exhausted with the withholding of information.That is the new munipulation for lies.If Im not told...then it is not a lie.im the same person I was before getting sick.This time though,I know the difference between a blatant lie and passively avoiding.If you want to be in my life,do not lie to me.I know.I feel it.I feel all of it,near or far.That always scared me and half my anxiety.The phyical feeling of being mistreated.How sick I feel,my whole life when being lied to,used and munipulated.I can explain to them how it effects me,It doesn't stop.

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    Why am I so nieve?#PTSD #Depression #artheals

    I believe too many people.I fall for lies and flattery.I used to see through BS pretty easy as its happening.But for some people,all I want is to believe them.I can't accept they could be that mean,to my face and behind my back.Why lie about irrelevant things, it has no purpose?I've realized it is to get a reaction.it is wrong on too many levels.im confused and trying to get through with my therapist.my time and energy needs to be on me,not a false flag from someone who lies for sport.I am tired of munipulation,flattery and false hopes.it comes off as desperate.Reaching.The angry,defensive, pessimistic me is taking care of her now.I am done being walked on, over and ignored,a second,third forth option for someone's time. I will not keep searching for closure or expecting it.There is nothing there to resolve.People have chosen to question my word.Thats fine with me.Ive been honest.Two years gone that I will erase,again.Another box closed.Ive been here before.I assumed by being transparent others would follow.Never again.