artheals

I trusted the wrong person,again.This time,I knew but took a leap.I put it aside because I saw my similarities,again.Fate and fairy-tales,matched.Lies,
again.Not from me,me, told too much truth.There are always unanswered questions.I am learning again,I can not live this cycle,even if I wanted to.I wasn't like this before 2017.I've been told it is my environment,my dna mutations,chemistry,my past,my anxiety,my hypothyroidism,my AVM and my TBI.I have few bad days and I'm personally attacked for having an episode,being sick and not going anywhere.it isn't easy driving because of my meds.I am not that sick in the head,needy or a scared person.Others have a version of me that is beyond imagination and all hearsay.I was vulnerable because I wanted to be.I wasn't fooled or played.I was lied to.I felt each time.I was disappointed and relieved.it was never necessary.I expected a choice.I am easy prey.I trust too easy,when,I want to.People think I'm afraid or unaware.No,I see it,feel it and am a few steps ahead.I give people the space to be themselves.I won't question unless I feel it.I havent been wrong.Ive tried to explain it to the closest to me.Ive lived with the disfunction.I know munipulation.It is not necessary,if you know the other is going to actually be honest.I was looking for distance,time and healing.I am in the thick of my assessments.After being pulled back and forth,disrespected and challenged daily,I fell back into the same habits.I am feeling all the anger,mistrust and asking the same questions,again.I am going to keep getting stronger,wiser.I hope I dont remember.it was easy for them to forget.it is only one person.All of my best were thrown away.

I'm in denial.it has kept me in a standstill.I am aware of my own actions and progress,but I am ruminating,as usual.I do the exercises,put in the work,I am trying.I have to try harder.I am considering going completely offline.I know the algorithm is only making me overthink.I am remembering.They have said,I have to start over,again.

Radical Acceptance...nope,not Im not there yet.I am with my employment situation but not the remaining baggage.Take accountability for what,being kept in the dark?Believing people who lie to my face and behind my back.Accept family treating you as a storyline.Sorry,no I do not accept it.I do not accept Dr.s lying or misrepresenting.I do not accept that my parent knew and never told.I won't accept being told everything is fine,when I can feel it is not.I will keep telling how I feel and I will keep asking g questions.Why and how,Im expected to face my own while others keep kicking me.And I am not playing victim.it is the sad truth.I have allowed people to lie and use me.I am too nieve.I want to think people are being honest,ecspecially when I've begged,begged, begged for honesty,they arent.I kept asking and still am given crumbs for responces. I can only be that with and for myself,from now on.I'm trying my hardest to think of others needs,but what does lying to me get anyone?

I rarely write anymore.My paranoia took that,as I reflect.I enjoy the contrast of color in the photo,the yellow,gold against the wood.I have been in over my head before with peices but these cant come quick enough.I spent days resenting the tools,having them.Days spent,fighting to focus without being distracted by,well a speck of dust.I am exhausted,physicallyand mentally.I know the other is relieved,I feel it.

I need to change my view.I hadn't looked up in a couple months.Im ñot feeling this.I have too many items on my shelf and too many things hanging around.Every where I look.I know each peice.Where it belongs.Where to put it.It still stays.
Some things are only around because I had no where to put them,other people can see them,they aren't hidden but not within eyes view.Every item is significantly a part of who I am.They are objects.Not people.They hold memories for me.Most happy ones, so they stay.Tangible peices.I can feel the memories holding and looking at them.I won't be reminded... if they're gone.at All.

Out of sight,out of mind is exasperated in my mind.A coping strategy from too early of an age. With people not things.I love,my memories from my things.As do others.
I attatch my life to objects around me for my comfort.Does it bring joy? Then it stays.If it provokes pain and hurt.it will not be displayed.Put it away! It Doesn't belong here!It is packed,boxed away securely...unless, I want it shown.I am not a hoarder.I do not purchase or over collect.They were all given,lovely memories.The people leave behind peices but they never stay or I never stay.There is always something left behind....that needs to be put away.

I was with a provider that never took the time to explain my diagnosis or prognosis.My husband was told to take me as is or

Could be much worse type of comment. To say we were left in the dark by the doctors is an understatement.The technicians and nursing staff are informative.The insurance company has given us the actual diagnosis.They have let us know there are many services available.When I question for what...they aren't to sure what to say.They realized we are in the dark.Anything can happen.Another block basically.With the mutations effecting my vascular system and my nervous system,it is a daily juggling act if what now.I've learned my mind lies to me alot.im recognizing g when that happens and how to bri g myself back.I can easily go backwards.it is not my fault Im like this.This is not my doing or lack of doing something.An assault catapulted the AVM.Multiple concussions and gene mutations have caused defects throughout.I can stop asking why,clinically.My lifes choices did not help.I am learning three years later,how it has affected my spouse and son.The guilt is only starting to appear at random times.I am no longer asking why.I understand my actions and reactions towards my family are never going to be resolved by them.I can not change my past.I am getting strong enough to look at it,with the mindfulness Im gaining with support of therapy.im tired of not living.I am learning a slow pace is my life.I no longer multitask.I cannot carry,push or pull.I cannot climb or walk fast.I cannot handle more than one person talking or background conversation.I have to slow down.it is no longer a choice.The sleeping will be the key.When I stop sleeping,that is our sign.Things are blocked,I need to breath slower, deeper and use my tools.I feel bad for the ones who didn't want to know whats happening with us.We are strong.im very proud of us for getting this far.I know its only the beginning.Im more prepared emotionally.And gratefully blessed to have the support I do.I forget.I wish people could understand.

I have been told, by a case worker, with our insurance provider,a diagnosis I was unaware of.This isn't the first time.I was told by the neurosurgeonsRN called me to tell me size and severity of my AVM prior to knowing I had one.I was told I had claustrophobia after having a seperate surgeon ask for general anesthesia for me.That is still in my chart.I am exhausted of not knowing the truth.my husband doubts anything unless he gears it himself.He won't speak about it without it turning into an argument.An argument over the multiple diagnosis.I can remember when he'd say..I thought it was so n so.Last visit you said it was this.Now your saying this.Ive been actually advocating for myself.Told tonight that I go on and on and on.I had only spoke for less than 5 minutes.no screaming or calling names.Calm.Shocked at his lack of reaction.His accusing look and tone.T hat things are sarcastically implied.Jabs and stares that are defensive and too much for me.I need to express myself.It is not my problem if the person Im talking to cant handle their emotions.Im not keeping mine in anymore.When Im pushed.I react.Why am I wrong for pushing back?When I was asking for reassurance, all you did was fight.

I'm confused and ashamed.How could I not know.The day started fine.I will reread this, as the others and try to figure what am I referring to?I swear if I don't know,then there is a major issue with me.I started group.I don't know how I feel about it.I feel played.I know thats strange to think.it is being aware of the paranoia and mistrust.Id rather go along nieve as a child.I understand the fractured personality.I can't say from what.I know I can do more.