I have had the same psychiatric nurse practitioner for the past six years manage my meds. She has worked together with my psychologist, my cardiologist and my clergy… together, as a team for the past SIX YEARS! They were the first people in the world I trusted, and I still find it nearly impossible to trust anyone. She is so special to me that she came to my house on her time off and taught me how to vacumme and clean my toilet after being divorcing my husband and always having a maid. I recently had to relocate, too, but kept my team together, through zoom and telehealth, for stability. In my new area, I have tried to get mental health services. Since I want to keep my nurse practitioner, and am not willing to take a new paychiarist from a new facility, no facility will offer me any of their other services such as case management, social work, anger management, anxiety classes, social skills training, etc. There are many services availible, but in order to get them, I must drop my nurse practitioner. Because I would not agree to this, the last six months, since moving (and my dog, of ten years, died during this time), I have not had the resources to deal with the enormity of physical, emotional and mental problems I have had, I have been involuntarily placed in the hospital 5 times in six months. I realized, I will either succeed at dying or continue to be hospitalized if I don’t get the outpatient services I need. I finally agreed to let go of my psych nurse, in order to get outpatient services. I had my last appointment with her the other day. Today, I go for my new psych evaluation. I go with a heavy heart. My team has been shattered. The pain of all I’ve been through in the last six months still so fresh. I don’t recognize my life. I don’t recognize myself. I don’t want to have to start over, but I want to survive. I really want to thrive, so with all the tools I’ve gathered, I’m facing my strongest fears.. trusting anyone new, especially authority figures, being open about my painful past if I have to, being open to the idea that a new doctor is not trying to hurt me, control me, or powertrip me, stepping out of my comfort zone- once again. It seems like the unfamiliar is being FORCED ON ME, over and over and over, lately. It almost seems like a right of passage from one stage of therapy to another. That always held me back…now I’m HAVING TO PRACTICE FACING UNCERTAINTY. I don’t like it! Wish me luck this morning. That I may be open minded, honest, authentic, cooperative, trusting, and genuine. #facinguncertainty #losingaProvider #change #stressors #IntensiveOutpatientTherapy #suicideattemptsurvivor #MentalHealthComesFirst