Feelhelpless

I have worked hard to recover. It hasn’t taken as short as I thought - moreover maybe there IS no “fully healed” until bodily death 🤷🏼‍♀️- nor the path that I expected and set out on when I checked myself in to a hospital to prove to everyone that nope, I’m NOT a drug addict, just suffering emotional breakdown for a second or two. I’ve learned along the way that I was diagnosed (properly, finally) with #CPTSD before it was even really officially labeled that, and that at 28 and hearing that, that I’d likely developed it pre-rape of virginity at 14, but more like around 7 or 8. (Did I ever even have a CHANCE?! But I digress.)

I carried on thru seemingly insurmountable trauma raining on me as the hospital helped it dawn on me that nope, my life had NOT “been normal” and that where there really isn’t any “normal” that my life had more importantly NOT been “one of healthy supports, secure attachments and or validations”. I was 28 and didn’t even realize til almost a decade later that “sense of agency” was “a thing”. And now it’s two years down the line and still I #Feelhelpless #helpless , tho I want to feel anything but; I hate when people describe me as a victim 🤢🤮. It used to just be out of stubbornness, but now the idea of my being a victim?

My toxic family lives thankfully/unthankfully 5 states away. I moved here 12 years ago with a controlling ex whom, when I finally got away from him, stalked me so long and scared me so good I became a recluse for a few years. Then stepped into the world trying to “be healthy, get hobbies, make good supports” and yet still…coming up short because people only want my advice or assume I’m strong Strong STRONG, and I guess to them that equates to me being a robot or incapable of having flaws otherwise. Then 2019 came the the fireworks my neighbors were doing triggered convulsions that made me soooo angry to have that I declared THATS IT! IM USING 2020 TO EXPLORE ALLLLL THE MEETUPS, MAKE ALLLLL THE FRIENDS IN HEALTHY, SLOW TO ATTACH WAYS, AND IM GETTING A SUPPORT SYSTEM SO NEXT NYE I CAN HAVE FRIENDS WITH WHICH TO CHILL AND ***ENJOY*** THE SKY GLITTER WITH, DAMMIT!

And we all know how 2020 went as far as isolating goes; my stalked days surely helped me prep for NOT catching the depression so many got in 2020 and for that I’m so grateful (a box of darkness really IS a blessing sometimes!!), but I also lost my mom, and am now here physically again, alone. Well, I’ve got dogs who, if I died yesterday would most likely eat my meat suit for their dinner welllllll before anybody noticed and came to check that my car hadn’t moved in weeks or months. No neighbors care; no friends are local or emotionally close/concerned enough to care, and even those far away who DO care or WOULD worry? They’re used to my taking weeks to get back to them. I feel like my health anxiety is worsening and I am debilitated to ie go get anything tested/vax for fear I’ll get too sick to care for myself. #ThisIsTorture