helpless

I have entomophobia and I can’t just “deal with it”! Every time I see a bug my heart just sinks and I start to have a weird pain in my stomach. If I see one I won’t be able to stop searching for more I won’t be able to stop moving and walking around to avoid bugs from getting on me. I cry I want to scream I feel childish I feel alone. Every time I see a bug I won’t be able to stay calm I can’t, I’m angry with myself. Every time I know deep down how much bigger I am compared to the bug I know the bug probably wont cause huge physical damage to me but I can’t stay calm I can’t kill it I can’t stop running. Every time it gets to summer all my friends and family are excited about it but I hate it. Every time I have my panic attacks my friends and family would just say deal with it or it’s not a big deal or sometimes give me that annoyed look then kill the bug. I always feel so not heart broken but just sad that they would react that way. I know I’m “childish” but I can’t help it. I feel the wind blowing my hair on to my face I can’t stop scratching my face I can’t stop searching for bugs. Sometimes I can bring myself to kill it if it’s a little mosquito but it kills me every time I do on the inside. My family says I’m crazy they tell me to stop but I can’t it’s not that simple. Sometimes I wish I would I have super power so the bugs in my 10•10 circle around me will disappear to somewhere also I know how bugs benefit the ecosystem and environment but I can’t handle them I can’t handle myself. People around me make me feel like crap and tell me I’ll get over it. I can’t I need help. Just please help me! I feel alone I feel childish I feel sad I’m sad….. I can’t go outside I can’t help you garden. I can’t just kill it. I can’t I don’t know what to do. If you guys have any similar experiences or any suggestions on what I should do please let me know. #Entomophobia #alone #helpless

Hello mighty peeps
You know that your day was a total mess, when it’s 6PM, and everything you’ve tried to do, has gone T…s up!
I call #Bipolar , #BPD , #Depression and #ADD that live in my brain, The Dragons.
Today, they woke up, and #roared like mad!
It works like this:
#the dragons spit #fiery insults at #Loved ones… and I am #helpless to stop them. I seem to be saying #Sorry a lot, for stuff I’ve not done. The worst of it for me, is feeling #helpless . Then, for some stupid reason, every single thing I attempt? #Broken ! My computer decided to stop working, the postman left my packages from an expensive online shop in another district, never to be seen again. Post office takes NO blame!?! Then before computer kicked off, I get an email from another online store’ my package was returned, and I must pay more money for a re-delivery??? The postman is on my hitlist. Everything including my voice is gone, my #mind is #roaring with #fury , #Bipolar is having such fun! And I’m about to take a chill pill, or I’m not responsible.
I hope you all have a fabulous evening
♥️♥️♥️

We got word in Dispatch that the driver of the passenger vehicle was gone the instant of the head-on collision. Which was, at once, sobering and heartbreaking. Given his name, we made contact with his mother, to let her know she needed to meet with deputies about her son being involved in a car accident. A child, really, just 20 years old, who had so proudly driven off the lot with the car he bought all on his own, just months before. A child whose birthday was just a few days away, a milestone year he would never celebrate.

As we were ending what would have been an otherwise uneventful shift, it was eerily quiet (a dreaded word in the world of first response) but for a moment. Not a word spoken among us, or across the airwaves, as we handed off the tragic aftermath and cleanup to the incoming shifts. How do you walk away from something so life-altering for so many, and go on about your day as you stroll through the doors into the daylight? How do you leave that at work? And that is where our littlest comes in…

In case you don’t recall, she was witness to all of the commotion, and took it all in, calmly and nearly wordlessly, without taking any of it on. I’ve always thought of her like she was a sponge, because she loves soaking in and learning new things. She also picks up on emotional and social cues like no one I’ve ever met. Empathetic without letting anything steal her joy or energy. She tightened her grip on my hand once that door opened, and smiled huge up at me as we walked side by side to the running car. Thank goodness for Daddy, he snuck the keys out of my purse to make sure our car was warm and ready. How did she know I needed that big sweet grin? She watched, she saw me, she always sees me, and I’m so thankful for that! For her! You see I had commented to a few of the incoming dispatchers that I felt a bit useless not being able to do much to help. I couldn’t answer 911 lines yet, I couldn’t key up on the radio yet, I was a helpless bystander to all that was going on around me, standing at my CAD watching and listening to the call explode on my screen and in my headset. But then once our little angel and I gathered our things to walk out into the cold wintry morning, and she squeezed my hand, and smiled at me so brightly, a thought suddenly occurred to me. I wasn’t helpless, nor was I useless, I was right where I was meant to be, next to that precious girl, keeping her calm and reassured, answering her quiet questions as best I could about what was going on both around us, and at the scene that her Daddy just rushed off to.

As we got all settled and buckled up I turned to her to ask if she just wanted to take her time getting to school this morning. “Of course”, she agreed enthusiastrically! We drove slowly, carefully, down winding backroads, taking our time looking at the new calves in the fields near our old house, watching the wisps of fog lift over the ponds and streams that led to the river. #ToBeCont

Today my mother brought me my toothbrush into my room because I, a 16 year-old, couldn't get to the bathroom (on my own). The pain from my JIA was so severe, that my legs felt like they burned and every step was one too much. I felt helpless. I cried while I looked to the bathroom, 3 metres away from me, but still unreachable.
My illness and disability always felt like a burden, like something to overcome, but today-... today felt like another level. I never felt THAT helpless, THAT dependent on others, and frankly, it was quite terrifying.
So I brushed my teeth over a bowl, my mother held for me and I felt ashamed. I felt so much shame, from being seen like that by my mother. Shame from needing her help with something as simple as brushing my teeth. I don't want her or anyone to think that I can't live my life on my own. I can and I will. Or at least that's what I thought, but today made me wonder if that's realistic. Today made me fall apart and left me with the question of what my future will look like.
#disabledteenager #helpless #future #ChronicPain #Pain #Shame #struggle #JuvenileIdiopathicArthritis #Arthritis #Family

I have worked hard to recover. It hasn’t taken as short as I thought - moreover maybe there IS no “fully healed” until bodily death 🤷🏼‍♀️- nor the path that I expected and set out on when I checked myself in to a hospital to prove to everyone that nope, I’m NOT a drug addict, just suffering emotional breakdown for a second or two. I’ve learned along the way that I was diagnosed (properly, finally) with #CPTSD before it was even really officially labeled that, and that at 28 and hearing that, that I’d likely developed it pre-rape of virginity at 14, but more like around 7 or 8. (Did I ever even have a CHANCE?! But I digress.)

I carried on thru seemingly insurmountable trauma raining on me as the hospital helped it dawn on me that nope, my life had NOT “been normal” and that where there really isn’t any “normal” that my life had more importantly NOT been “one of healthy supports, secure attachments and or validations”. I was 28 and didn’t even realize til almost a decade later that “sense of agency” was “a thing”. And now it’s two years down the line and still I #Feelhelpless #helpless , tho I want to feel anything but; I hate when people describe me as a victim 🤢🤮. It used to just be out of stubbornness, but now the idea of my being a victim?

My toxic family lives thankfully/unthankfully 5 states away. I moved here 12 years ago with a controlling ex whom, when I finally got away from him, stalked me so long and scared me so good I became a recluse for a few years. Then stepped into the world trying to “be healthy, get hobbies, make good supports” and yet still…coming up short because people only want my advice or assume I’m strong Strong STRONG, and I guess to them that equates to me being a robot or incapable of having flaws otherwise. Then 2019 came the the fireworks my neighbors were doing triggered convulsions that made me soooo angry to have that I declared THATS IT! IM USING 2020 TO EXPLORE ALLLLL THE MEETUPS, MAKE ALLLLL THE FRIENDS IN HEALTHY, SLOW TO ATTACH WAYS, AND IM GETTING A SUPPORT SYSTEM SO NEXT NYE I CAN HAVE FRIENDS WITH WHICH TO CHILL AND ***ENJOY*** THE SKY GLITTER WITH, DAMMIT!

And we all know how 2020 went as far as isolating goes; my stalked days surely helped me prep for NOT catching the depression so many got in 2020 and for that I’m so grateful (a box of darkness really IS a blessing sometimes!!), but I also lost my mom, and am now here physically again, alone. Well, I’ve got dogs who, if I died yesterday would most likely eat my meat suit for their dinner welllllll before anybody noticed and came to check that my car hadn’t moved in weeks or months. No neighbors care; no friends are local or emotionally close/concerned enough to care, and even those far away who DO care or WOULD worry? They’re used to my taking weeks to get back to them. I feel like my health anxiety is worsening and I am debilitated to ie go get anything tested/vax for fear I’ll get too sick to care for myself. #ThisIsTorture

My 21 year old son is diagnosed with MDD. He’s left college and is at home. I’m glad he’s here and needs time to recover. He’s seeing a therapist. He spends all of his time on the phone or computer gaming. He’s up until 3 or 4 am. He says this is his only outlet. I’m afraid he isn’t putting in the work to help his recovery but using technology to mask his issues. And I’m afraid his sleep habits aren’t helping him either. I don’t want to make his feel bad or shamed. How do I help? What can I do or say? Feeling so helpless and a little hopeless

I felt frozen when this topic came up. Fear that i have no values, shame and guilt for feeling indecisive about it and not knowing, fear of what could be my values, feeling helpless and hopeless about it and feeling resentful and angry about it. How do people know their values? What is the difference between values and beliefs? #Fear #Shame #anger #resentment #Guilt #BPD #helpless #hopeless #Indecisive #Judgement

Hi I made mistake last year with my neighbor Alex.my name is Anna#Ifuckedup #ohcrap #mydescion #angry #helpless

The more I think about my life, the more depressed I get. I don't know how to explain this to my family or people around me in general. I'm so tired of everything and all I want to do is just sleep and hope I don't wake up. But that sounds really messed up, when I look at the world and see how many people are struggling/ trying their best just to live another day. This thought eats away at me every single day and I don't know how to deal with it.... #sleepforever #Depression #self -sabotage #helpless #Whyamilikethis