hypochondriac

Well, it's 2:30am and my alarm goes off in 15 minutes because I have to go to the airport. And I haven't slept a bit.

I try so hard to have good sleep hygiene, but I can't seem to make it work. My phone and my brain are both equal problems. I have such difficulty with task switching (thanks pandemic for giving me a fun new probably-OCD symptom) and that includes going to bed/sleep. I get into bed and immediately I'm like "omg I have to read the Wikipedia page for multiple different species of squid because they're so cool, and now I'm reading the page for deep sea fish, and now for ocean trenches, and, and, and" or "I should definitely read this podcaster's whole Twitter feed for the millionth time" (I'm not even on twitter) or "now would be a great time to Google search one of my weird physical symptoms that may or may not be a problem or could just be a figment of my hypochondriac imagination." And when I finally do manage to close the browser and put the phone down, my brain goes wild, thinking thinking thinking. About all kinds of things. Anything. Big or small, real or imagined, important or frivolous, personal or abstract. Or it's too warm. Or too cold. Or I'm hungry. Or I have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Or my TMJ issues are exceptionally terrible. Or it's all of those things at once.

Tonight, it's too warm, my jaw hurts like hell, and I spent a couple of hours being hungry before I gave in and ate some granola. And before that I was stuck on the phone for a couple hours. Then I thought hard for an hour. Gently bonked my pillow against my face for variety.

I'm visiting my grandmother, who neglected to tell me about her cough and laryngitis until I was already here. She's had two covid tests, both negative, so I'm not worried about that. But I'm still nervous about catching whatever she has in case it's something contagious. I can't bring even a common cold back to my campus. I'd feel terrible. I am vigilant, watching for signs of illness. Is that hint of soreness in my throat from allergies or dehydration or an impending disease that will lay me out for days and spread to my beloved classmates and professors?

I am always looking for something external to put me to sleep. I always have. I do not trust my own brain to understand how to sleep, and for good reason. It hasn't shown me convincingly that it is able to do so.

I've come a long way since I was ten years old believing that I was evil and deserved to die because I was unable to fall asleep. Tonight I'm just vibing. Hopefully I'll sleep on the plane. Or maybe my brain will permit me to take a nap when I'm back in my bed in my dorm. It's probably not healthy to think of myself as being at odds with my own mind when it comes to sleeping, but it's hard to do otherwise what with all I've been through.

I think I really need some help with this.

#Insomnia #OCD #HealthAnxiety #phone #Sleep #TemporomandibularJointDisorders #hypochondriac #executivedysfunction

I have worked hard to recover. It hasn’t taken as short as I thought - moreover maybe there IS no “fully healed” until bodily death 🤷🏼‍♀️- nor the path that I expected and set out on when I checked myself in to a hospital to prove to everyone that nope, I’m NOT a drug addict, just suffering emotional breakdown for a second or two. I’ve learned along the way that I was diagnosed (properly, finally) with #CPTSD before it was even really officially labeled that, and that at 28 and hearing that, that I’d likely developed it pre-rape of virginity at 14, but more like around 7 or 8. (Did I ever even have a CHANCE?! But I digress.)

I carried on thru seemingly insurmountable trauma raining on me as the hospital helped it dawn on me that nope, my life had NOT “been normal” and that where there really isn’t any “normal” that my life had more importantly NOT been “one of healthy supports, secure attachments and or validations”. I was 28 and didn’t even realize til almost a decade later that “sense of agency” was “a thing”. And now it’s two years down the line and still I #Feelhelpless #helpless , tho I want to feel anything but; I hate when people describe me as a victim 🤢🤮. It used to just be out of stubbornness, but now the idea of my being a victim?

My toxic family lives thankfully/unthankfully 5 states away. I moved here 12 years ago with a controlling ex whom, when I finally got away from him, stalked me so long and scared me so good I became a recluse for a few years. Then stepped into the world trying to “be healthy, get hobbies, make good supports” and yet still…coming up short because people only want my advice or assume I’m strong Strong STRONG, and I guess to them that equates to me being a robot or incapable of having flaws otherwise. Then 2019 came the the fireworks my neighbors were doing triggered convulsions that made me soooo angry to have that I declared THATS IT! IM USING 2020 TO EXPLORE ALLLLL THE MEETUPS, MAKE ALLLLL THE FRIENDS IN HEALTHY, SLOW TO ATTACH WAYS, AND IM GETTING A SUPPORT SYSTEM SO NEXT NYE I CAN HAVE FRIENDS WITH WHICH TO CHILL AND ***ENJOY*** THE SKY GLITTER WITH, DAMMIT!

And we all know how 2020 went as far as isolating goes; my stalked days surely helped me prep for NOT catching the depression so many got in 2020 and for that I’m so grateful (a box of darkness really IS a blessing sometimes!!), but I also lost my mom, and am now here physically again, alone. Well, I’ve got dogs who, if I died yesterday would most likely eat my meat suit for their dinner welllllll before anybody noticed and came to check that my car hadn’t moved in weeks or months. No neighbors care; no friends are local or emotionally close/concerned enough to care, and even those far away who DO care or WOULD worry? They’re used to my taking weeks to get back to them. I feel like my health anxiety is worsening and I am debilitated to ie go get anything tested/vax for fear I’ll get too sick to care for myself. #ThisIsTorture

My husband daughter and I were eating dinner the other night and my husband flippantly called me a #hypochrondriac . I was really hurt and told him so. Just because I'm aware of my health issues/limitations that doesn't make me a #hypochondriac !