When a Toxic Work Environment Leads to Imposter Syndrome

I’ve worked in a few different places over the course of my career, but one place stands out as particularly rough. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the company or the type of work, but the pressure and expectations placed on me by management, coupled with the hostile communication with teammates who were just as stretched thin as I was, made me feel like I was constantly failing and never measuring up. It completely crushed my self-esteem because I never felt like I was doing a good job.

About five months before I left, I had visited a specialist because my legs were in a ton of pain. I was no stranger to pain, given the muscle and nerve damage years of seizures and episodes of conversion disorder had caused. But the pain had become especially unbearable. I sat shocked in front of my doctor as she told me that at the rate I was going, I’d be lucky if I could walk within a year if I didn’t immediately start treatment. Not being able to walk? How? I was in my early 20s, this didn’t make any sense. So I knew the only option was to start treatment, which she recommended three to four times per week to try and regain some mobility and reduce the pain.

The only problem was, the specialist’s office was in the city, and my work was slightly out of the city so it was at least an hour and a half by transit to get there, and the clinic closed at 5:30, which meant I would have to leave work early. At the same time, I was up for a promotion at work, which I really wanted. I was at treatment one evening at around 5:30 and I got a message from someone at work: “Where are you? The director wants to see you now1” I explained I was at a doctor’s appointment and if I left right now it would be at least 6:15 before I made it back.

“If you’re not here, you won’t get promoted!” I felt horrible. I had left for treatment, it was after regular working hours, and I was going to miss out on an opportunity because I wasn’t committed enough to the job. Luckily, or rather, unluckily, I still got the job after jumping through a number of hoops to get it.

I worked harder at that job than I’ve ever worked. I would get up at 5 a.m., work a couple of hours from home, ride into the office with a coworker at 7:30 and be back online by 8:30, where I’d stay glued to my desk until after 5 p.m. But of course, I still needed treatment. I met with my new boss and explained my situation. I outlined that I would have to leave at 4:30 p.m. for necessary medical treatment. The clinic was kind enough to give me a 5:30 appointment, even though that’s when they closed, and I would pay $25 to Uber to the train station so I could make it in an hour. I explained to my boss that I wouldn’t let anything slip through the cracks, and that I had a plan for ensuring my work was done. I’d work from home after and would be accessible by phone during treatment for emergencies. He just sort of sighed and said “Well, as long as your shit gets done.” There was no inquiry into if I was OK, or if I needed any support. No understanding or leniency. Sometimes I would get comments from coworkers for leaving early about how I was slacking off.

I felt like I was totally incompetent or a bad teammate and employee for having to leave a bit early, even though I worked so hard. I started to wonder if I deserved that promotion, or if it was a mistake. It made me think I’d never be able to handle it if another promotion came along in the future. My goals of moving up the corporate ladder crumbled because I thought that if I was so bad in a junior role like mine, I’d never make it any higher.

Over those next few months, my self-esteem plummeted and I felt like a terrible employee. When I left that company and got a new job, I had a whole speech ready about how I could still work hard and wouldn’t let my health get in the way. My new boss was super understanding and said my health came first and we would find a way to make it work. Over time, the imposter syndrome started to dissipate and my self-esteem started to build up. I also focused my energy on treatment, instead of being attached to my work phone during treatment sessions and my legs improved considerably.

Now I know that my health challenges have nothing to do with my ability to perform at work. Success does not require me to push myself to the point of breakdown, and I deserve to have support at work. It took a long time to get over all the insecurities and imposter syndrome that job caused for me, and sometimes I still deal with it, but now I know that scenario was a case of bad management and bad culture, not a bad employee. If you are made to feel small or lazy at work because of your health, get out. That’s a toxic work environment. I wish I had left sooner, but I’m so grateful for the supportive boss that came after because it completely changed how I saw myself. Sometimes imposter syndrome isn’t just about us and how we see ourselves — it’s about how others make us feel.