How to 'Be Your Own Friend' Instead of Invalidating Your Anxiety

I’ve been on a personal journey to figure out my digestion, and there’s one thing that’s become glaringly obvious: when my belly feels upside-down, it triggers my anxiety.

Anxiety is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. It’s blaring the sirens to get you to pay attention. And there’s a super-strong connection between the gut and the brain, so it’s incredibly common for folks with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) to also have anxiety. Kind of a chicken-or-the-egg situation there, because anxiety can also wreak havoc on the belly.

Each time my anxiety crops up, it’s an opportunity to learn a little bit more. (I know, how annoyingly “silver-lining” of me.) In this case, I noticed something I do to myself often that was very very not helpful, and I wanted to share it with you because I’d bet my stimulus check you do it too…

When I started to feel that rattle in my body and that pit in my stomach — you know the one — I started telling myself, “you’re fine.” I’d sit on my bed and say, “you’re fine,” and I’d look in the bathroom mirror and say, “you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine.” But, I didn’t feel fine, and in all my experience with anxiety, the break finally comes when I can admit that, let it be and allow those walls to come down (even if just for myself).

We live in a society that’s taught us to always “pull ourselves up from the bootstraps” and maybe you grew up in a way where you had to be pretty autonomous, take care of yourself, and always be, well, fine.

But it’s OK if you’re not fine, and yelling “you’re fine!” at yourself is just really invalidating. Anxiety doesn’t like to be bullied; anxiety will fight back.

As with most inner dialogues, I like to think of it like a relationship you might have with a friend. This is your strong friend who really hates asking for help, who really hates being vulnerable. So when they finally come to you waving the white flag, you know it’s really something. Hopefully, we’ve learned by now that when a loved one needs your support, you don’t just tell them they’re fine. You don’t say “pull it together.” You don’t invalidate their feelings and the very real experience they’re having, even if you know with 100% certainty that they will be fine and that there’s no immediate threat to their existence. Because anxiety, well — anxiety will have your friend believing otherwise.

So no, you don’t tell your friend to buck up. You sit with them. You listen. You tell them it makes so much sense that they feel this way right now. You might say, “Hey, I really think you’re gonna be OK, but I know this feels so scary right now. I hear you. I see you. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere. It’s OK to feel the way you feel. I love you. I’m listening.”

Just a reminder — your friend is you. In case you got lost. So next time you’re feeling a little rattley, or sick to your stomach, or lightheaded or scared, be your own friend. Literally, sit and talk it out loud (yes, even if you’re by yourself). Connect with that you inside that decided it was time to turn on the sirens. See what that’s all about. Unlike my overly sensitive smoke detector, it’s making that racket for a reason. Listen.

And in case nobody else has told you today: I love you, and I’m listening.

xo,
m.