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When All You Can Say Is 'That Sucks'

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There have been a lot of tears on my side of the screen lately. But it’s not only because I’m sad. Let me explain. I’ve been hearing a lot of “this stinks” and “that sucks” lately. Being stuck in bed 20 plus hours a day due to medicine-induced fatigue is no joke. And as some of my other symptoms have gotten worse, and my emotional state has taken a hit, I’ve been hearing those phrases more and more. And between you and me? They frustrate me to no end.

Of course, I’m not frustrated at the person saying it. I’m actually grateful. Grateful they are talking to me. Grateful they actually took the time to understand that yeah, my situation sucks. It’s the fact that my situation does stink that makes me so angry. And there’s literally no one to blame. In the last story I wrote, when I said that my chronic illness body slammed me out of nowhere, I meant it. And it’s no ones fault. How do you blame something that no one has control of?

And those tears I mentioned earlier? Those are out of frustration. From the lack of control in my life right now. From the fact that attending my senior prom is still up in the air. From the fact that I can’t wear the shoes I’ve wanted to wear for literal years for graduation because of balance issues. From the fact that I might need a gap year before college. And from the fact that I don’t even know what next week will look like.

But sometimes, those tears are healing. By relinquishing my control, I can allow these emotions to wash over me and move on. I can choose to live fully in the moments of joy, as few and far between as they may seem. Like when I was able to grow lemon balm from a seed in a pot that looks like a lemon (cute, right?). Like when my friends come over and lay on my bed with me as we shoot rubber bands at the ceiling. Like when I was named salutatorian of my graduating class (this ones kind of a big deal).

Yes, my situation sucks. And yes, I’m going to hear those phrases again and again until my situation doesn’t suck anymore. But I’m still making memories and life still goes on. So I’m going to make those little (or not so little) happy memories that I can cherish — even if one day, no one can say to my situation: “that sucks.”

Getty image by Svetlana Aganina

Originally published: May 19, 2021
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