idontdeservethis

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    How much longer??

    I’ve been in this same stupid depressive episode for SEVEN months now… I’ve lost EVERYTHING. My home I worked so hard to buy is about to go to foreclosure and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to box up and remove my family’s belongings to put in storage. My car is paid off so I have that but it desperately needs repairs I can’t afford. I haven’t worked since December and I’m flat broke. I’be been staying with a family friend for the past 4 months because I can’t bare to stay at home with all the memories of who I once was. My 9 yr old son has been staying with his grandparents because I can’t even take care of him. Everyday is only a day of survival. I’m not living… at all. The days are all the same. I wake up with immense dread, anxiety, depression, and above all guilt. I hate the days as I can’t do anything but sit here. I welcome the nights as I can finally go to sleep and dream… in my dreams I feel normal and all is ok. But as soon as I open my eyes, reality is there to remind me of everything I am or better yet all that I’m not and all that I’ve lost. I miss being alive. Most of all I miss being a mother. I’m scared I’m stuck like this forever. I don’t see an end. 7 months… of this. Of hell. Of misery and pain. The darkness has won. It’s swallowed me whole. I’m paralyzed and stuck in this awful rut of survival. I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost my entire life. I’m now a shadow of once was. I didn’t deserve this. Out of nowhere my life was taken from me… just ripped away. All to friggin depression… and I don’t see any way out.
    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #hopeless #depressiontookmylife #thereisnolight #lifeless #idontdeservethis

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